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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

Often, those whom I coach become my friends; this makes sense since a friend always has your best interest at heart. The coaching relationship can become intense when I see my client engaging in behavior that is extremely detrimental to his relationship goals. At these times my client can’t see how his behavior is killing his relationships. This is certainly true with obvious reckless behavior like drugs and alcohol, but it is just as true with a chronic male behavior of being too nice and accommodating to everyone.

Mr. Nice Guy often ignores his own best wishes and desires to win the approval of other people in his life. And while everyone wants to be liked, the Nice Guys need to be liked and have the approval of others.

According to Dr Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, the nice guy has formed a mental map and paradigm of life to create a “smooth happy life”.  They go out of their way to cover up feelings of inadequacy they felt as children. Being nice is a coping mechanism, a sort of mask worn to keep people from seeing all of the Nice Guy’s “internal toxic shame”. The Nice Guy is trying to survive a world of uncertainty by being nice to create love for himself. It often fails in relationships. Here is why.

Many women are accepting of this type of behavior until they really like a guy. At that point, a woman wants more than sensitivity from a man; she wants a man who can energetically hold all of her emotions, outbursts, and inconsistencies, and the torrent of feelings that she is constantly trying to manage. She wants a man who can see all of her without running away or mentally checking out.

From the Nice Guy’s perspective, her energy can feel like drama and intensity. He either wants to run or placate her emotional energy. He sees an upset woman as someone he needs to protect; he doesn’t really care if this is what is really needed for her growth. In his mind, a woman who is upset simply wants more kindness and placation and he simply wants her emotions to go away. He wants to stop her upset and feel like he is approved and loved again and to gain this approval he will violates his own person to placate her. Women quickly tire of this behavior.

The idea is to get her into a happy state as quickly as possible.  Frustration, anger, sadness, and discontent are all emotions that can threaten the “smooth” life of the nice guy. And while it is valid and true that women want to move quickly through their emotional blocks and barriers, it is also true that a woman wants an emotionally strong man to be a holder and supporter of her emotions.  She wants a man with some grit who will be honest with her and both tender and strong.  

Hence the problem for Mr. Nice Guy in relationships: he is less interested in her expression, expansion or emotional development that he is in his own peace and stability within the relationship. Women easily recognize this limitation when it occurs in a man and routinely opt to play small and demure around a man she feels can’t handle her. Women choose to bottle up parts of themselves, incrementally letting their full personality out. Then once it is clear that Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t care about her concerns but only with pacifying them, she will lose interest and Mr. Nice Guy will try even harder and resent women even more. Until neither she nor he can stand the situation.

To be a man that women find utterly irresistible, be a man who can own his own desires, his own passions, and his own dark side as well as his gentlemanly side. Be authentic. Drop the desire to impress, be approved of, or feel validated as a human being by your partner. It is great when it happens, but stop being Mr. Nice Guy and trading “niceness” for love and approval. Get in touch with your own emotions, passions and desires and learn to express those, even when they are in opposition to your partner. She wants to know your truth!  She wants to feel like she can bring here entire emotional life to the relationship. So stop being so damn nice! She wants to know you can handle all of her emotional sides.

February, 2, 2014

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A couple is fighting about perceived slights from one another, none of what they are saying to each other is landed with the other partner. They wish to be real, authentic, deep and introspective in a relationship with one another, but this only works when each parter can speak only for their emotions, thoughts and feelings.
Making comments or decisions about the feelings, intentions and desires of your partner is simply assumptive thinking. Assumptive thinking allows the person making the assumptions to continue to live out the deep insecurities within themselves without ever facing the reality of their partner in the present moment and the party operating in assumptions doesn’t give themselves the chance to grow by examining the fear that is running them.

Coach George

http://www.georgestreeter.com/rekindlecoaching.com.html

By George Streeter Relationship coach- for more info email george@georgestreeter.com

“Out with the old and in with the new” it is a New Years saying that refers to starting “new relationships, challenges, adventures, realities, successes, goals, etc.” and moving away from old habits, thoughts, and feelings that block us from attracting and receiving… well something new!

It is time of year that our energies are refocused on committing to be our better selves, the people we know we are right before we aren’t. For me that happens when I get that third cookie out of the cookie jar right before dinner.  Ouch! why did I do that?

There is not growth without change. Change can be hard to navigate, especially when you are going through a much-needed change on your own. Seeking the help of a trusted friend or your relationship partner can sometimes create a strain on that relationship. Finding people you can be with as you grow, is a real blessing.

Sometimes, it is the littlest problems that trip us up the most. I have a friend who struggles with feeling accepted by others. And no matter how much good he does, or how much others say they appreciate him, he still feels under appreciated. This affects the quality of his relationships because he finds himself feeling short-tempered and frustrated because he feels his needs are not being met.

From his vantage point, his hunger for acceptance is only met with ambivalence, but he has love all around him. What is going on?  This is his reality, his internal feelings are real, and sometimes he does support his internal state by acting a bit aloof. The shift for him is to operate as if he has all the love and connection he wants, until his internal state begin to register that truth.  This shift comes from his behavior and not exclusively from focussing on his internal state.

To make change, to “bring something in” that is “new”  my friend must change the way he operates in the world, this will change the way he perceives the world and of course the way the world perceives him.

2014This is what coaching does, we work on “bringing in the new”. I help to motivate, guide and help people towards their own personal change. This happens confidentially, in an atmosphere of approval. For some it is not a big change, or therapy that they are looking for just some clear coaching/mentoring from someone who can help support their growth.

monogamy love

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

This is part of a letter to a person I consider a close friend. Her struggle with the idea of giving up her freedom (to act on her own desires unchecked) to follow a stronger desire for “deeper love and intimacy” in relationship, she has been the catalyst for me to write this article.

I am a relationship coach, so I see the benefit in any number of relationship styles, from conscious single-hood to poly marital arrangements, I can see the pros and cons for every relationship option. Just remember, no matter what your preferences are every relationship style has its own set of limitations.

Every relationship structure has its pros and cons.  No matter what relationship structure you choose there is always a certain amount of hand wringing and gut wrenching that is necessary for love and acceptance to exist between two people.  We are not born with the ability to see and accept all of our partners flaws and short comings.  We learn to do this through the struggle of the relationship.  It seems that no matter how loving, romantic, and drama- less the union is, at some point, for the relationship to become a “romance of a life time” it has to take each participant through the crucible. The crucible is the “fire” needed to heat ones system up so hot that your individual quirks and selfishness can surface and be melted away. The crucible makes you lovable under the pressure of relating.

Often a fascination with finding just the right person, who has just the right background and education, with just the right interests and hobbies becomes an effort to dampen the fire of the crucible so that you won’t have the differences that causes personalities to grow.  Our Mr. and Ms Right syndrome (our rigid preferences) are just a way to cool the fire of the crucible so that no growth or change is possible within the relationship. This we euphemistically term as a relationship with no passion.

So with growth as the guide, I want to take a moment to share some positive thoughts on the topic of monogamy.

To make monogamy work, seek to understand the limitations of monogamy and get in loving agreement with your own motivations for desiring those particular limitations in your life.  In other words, every relationship model has a few fatal flaws and the idea is to pick the poison that offers you the greatest opportunity for sustainable survival.

What is the poison of Monogamy? In every relationship structure you are making a deal with the devil when you enter it, so make sure you are not promising your first-born.  To enter into monogamy successfully know what you are giving up and know for how long you are giving it up for. This will keep you from waking up one day and going to the grocery store and never coming back home again.

The most apparent thing one trades when choosing monogamy is sex with others, however, there are other things people barter with when choosing monogamy.  Here is a short list:  financial autonomy, scheduling freedom (coming and going without checking in), dating freedom (platonic or otherwise), flirting ( following attractions impulses), thought autonomy (who you think about), spacial freedom (what you do with your time and where you spend it).

Understand that sometimes the demands of monogamy changes where you live, how you live, where you work and with whom you socialize. You consciously or unconsciously, trade these little freedoms as you build a partnership of committed love.

Now that you are clear on the type of poison a monogamy relationship can be for you, here are some of the benefits that are most often associated with pair bonding in monogamy.

Monogamy allows for deep, deep connection with a single person. 

Unlike open relationships there are just a few main characters in your relationship. Typically there is your partner, you, your work, his/her work and the kids to think, talk and worry about. Sure there are social concerns, and extended family but these concerns often revolve around work and family.  Monogamy as a structure is optimal for getting to know one another on a deep level. The distraction of other relationships are not present and so there is a natural tendency to focus on one another.

This implies of course that you both are still working on your own personal growth. Monogamy, more than any other relationship structure demands continued self exploration from each partner. Without it monogamy can get boring real fast. And no matter how many social events, dinner’s out or family vacations you have, you still end up looking each other in the face without knowing what to say to one another.

Monogamy allows you to be completely uninhibited sexually. 

Connected uninhibited sex is available in monogamy provided you are able to connect on a deep level ( i.e. continue your own personal growth journey so you have something deep to share).

Despite commonly held beliefs,  being in a more open relationship model, means that you must take more thought and care for all of the physical and emotional needs of your partners. This type of care by its nature is more responsible and less uninhibited.  Important note:  cheating or being deceptive with your liaisons is also by nature less uninhibited.

The uninhibited nature of sex is the main reason why women shelve their desires for variety to have a single partner who can be adequate in bed. The idea is that one man will learn all of her spots and she can safely surrender to him. Interestingly, most of the reasons given for monogamy are for the feeling of safety and security and not the potential for erotic growth that is present with a single partner.

Most are unaware of sexual growth as a motivation and instead focus on ethical, moral or health concerns as the deeper motivation. Deep down she knows that her own sex is like a minefield and is unknown territory even to herself. So the navigation of her own sex feels safer with a single known person… her man.

Monogamy offers the best possible opportunity to curb the distracting force of desire.

Desires can distract us from friends, family and financial concerns.  Passionate relationships feel good, they often feel better than working or focussing on the concerns we have around our day-to-day life.  Which would you rather do? have a hot make out at lunch or read the company email? Our desires can distract us, whether it is within our imagination or in our reality, desires pull us out of our habitual patterns of being and offer us an opportunity to lose ourselves. However, it is this lost feeling that makes us feel so threatened by our own desires and the desires of others.

Monogamy is a natural buffer between our spiritual selves and our desires. The relationship/or partner curbs our urges and impulses. This does not mean that we act like wild dogs when we are in open relationships, but the natural delay of desire in an open relationship is replaced with the natural death of desire that is required in successful monogamy. Don’t believe that?  Then ask yourself is it ok for your partner to fantasize about your best friend on their lunch break? That type of infidelity is typically a no- no in a closed relationship.

Being disciplined in our imagination and thoughts has a benefit.  A person who has restricted his imagination is less free in his thoughts but finds himself more free in his actions. Killing desire frees the mind to think about the concerns of a relationship or of the state of the body and finances.

To a distracted personality, the discipline of monogamy can be like a god-send, and act as a sure-fire way to cultivate new hobbies, interests and skills.

The point here is to enter into and out of relationships with an understanding of who you are and what you want. And to accept and make room for the obvious pit falls of any relationship structure you choose. Just make sure you have an open, honest dialogue to agree on what that your relationship looks like.

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Overt and frequent communication around sex is the only way to ensure you are getting the truth about how good you are in bed.  When I ask men the question, “How do you know if you are pleasing to a woman in bed?” I often get the same nervous defensive answer from them, “Well she hasn’t told me I am doing anything wrong.” I reply, “Has she told you that you were doing anything well?” a question to which I usually receive silence.

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As I teach men and women how to reach their erotic potential in my seminars (click here for more information), a class will often come to a screeching halt as I reveal the truth around sex and communication in a typical relationship.

The truth is this: Women don’t tell us the truth about what they want more of, what they don’t want any more of, or what they feel needs to be improved in sex, because they fear bruising your ego.

As I lead the discussion, woman after woman confesses that she doesn’t make requests in bed or ask for something different from her lover because she is:

Concerned you will get angry

Concerned she will hurt you

Concerned your ego will be bruised

Concerned your cock will not get hard

Women would rather endure your unskillful touch than tell you the truth. This is because you haven’t given her overt permission to tell you the truth in bed. If you want to create an atmosphere where your sex life can be truly hot, raunchy, and uninhibited, then create intimacy with honest dialogue around the topic of sex.

Here is how to make your sex life uninhibited and super hot:

1. Give her permission to tell you what she likes in sex.

Women are afraid to hurt your ego, so they will often change the subject or avoid answering directly when you ask the question, “How is our sex life?” so don’t ask. Before your next hot make-out, give her permission to speak frankly, openly, and honestly about every aspect of your sex life.

2. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.

Talking about sex is something women love to do! Give them an opportunity to say their thoughts around the subject. Women are conditioned to believe that sex talk with a man must necessarily lead to sex. Talking about sex in a situation where an innocent conversation remains a conversation.

3. Don’t get angry or hurt.

If you do, it will reinforce her fear that telling you the truth about your sexual ability will alter the relationship for the worse and she will never tell you the complete truth. She will need to be coaxed into delivering the awful, awful thoughts that will bring her into greater ecstasy. And believe me, the idea of bruising your sexy animal is a far greater fear than unsatisfying sex. 

4 Be playful around sex.

The more light-hearted you are around the issue of sex, the more sexual confidence you exude and the more space you create for her to be honest with you on the topic. Remember, you are creating an atmosphere of honesty so that you can have a hotter more connected sex life. What is so serious about that? Stay playful.

5 Tell her your hurts, before they become resentments.

Let her know what you like and don’t like as well. This will relax her in bed. She can feel your emotions even if you don’t tell her what you are thinking. Speak what you are feeling, because if you don’t she will think your withhold is about her and feel self-conscious with you. Being self-conscious is the opposite of being uninhibited.

Be the 1 of 100 men to do these tips and see how quickly your sex life moves from mediocre to marvelous.

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By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Here are three ways to increase your chances of getting a phone number or a date when approaching a woman.

The single best thing to remember when approaching a woman is be in vibrational resonance with her before you speak to her.

Let me paint a picture. You are in a sarcastic and playful mood and you walk up to a perky blonde. She is excited about her sexy new dress, having a great time out with friends, and feeling good.  Whatever the reason, she is happy and you are sarcastic; you are both in two totally different zip codes.

From here there is nothing you can say from your neighborhood to reach her effectively and nothing she can say to you that would reach you from her zip code. From your perspective, her happiness looks a bit fraudulent and from her point of view, your sarcasm feels mean and resentful.

The key is that someone has to change zip codes (shift mood) to get into vibrational frequency with the other.

Switching “zip codes” can happen in an instant when there is mutual physical attraction or some sort of deep connection. When this instant love connection happens both parties become one and speak, talk and radiate on the same frequency.  That type of connection doesn’t happen everyday, most often we miss each other and two people often struggle to make contact with one another.

Here are three tips to get into vibrational frequency with any woman you choose:

1. Know thyself

Check your frequency before you approach.  Look for women that match your current present moment reality.  If you are playful or sarcastic, look for someone who appears to have a cause. If she is in the center of her crew giving a rousing speech. she is supporting a cause. Your playfulness will fit well with her passion and willingness to be less self-absorbed. Playful challenging goes a long way here.

2. Be authentic to your feelings

When you approach a woman don’t try to fake being in an emotional place you are not. Don’t feign seriousness when you are jovial or vice versa. Let your true feelings be expressed. This allows a woman to get a clear read on who you are in that moment.  It’s one thing to know tip 2 “know thyself” and another thing to act from what you know. Whether you are feeling tender, or mischievous, insecure or confident, trusting or suspicious, recognize where you are on your own emotional playing field. A woman is better able to feel you when your inner frequency matches what you show the world. Acting happy when you feel less than happy will feel awkward to you both.

3. If you lock eyes don’t waste time.

This is the adage that you accelerate on a green light. Women say a lot though nonverbal communication. Looking for cues will go along way to making you better at connecting with women. When you think she is checking you out and you see a cue like her locking eyes with you, act on it without wasting time building your courage. That glance was meant for you and your mood of the moment. Don’t change your mood worrying; “just make a move” as Tony Robbins would say.

These simple perspectives will help you appear confident and charismatic in her mind.

www.georgestreeter.com

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By Coach George Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com/

The tale tell signs I have of when I am lost in my own thoughts are the reflections I receive from those around me.  Here are a few cues to let you know when you are less present with others and trapped in your own thoughts and what to do about it the next time it happens to you.  You are probably in stuck in your own head when”

1.  You become sensitive and just about anything anyone else says or does irritates you.

If you notice that the the way your best friend says “you want a cup of coffee?” is suddenly making you want to pour the cup of coffee on his head, then it would be safe to say you are in preoccupied by your own thoughts. Why would one react with irritation at a simple request? Because when you get lost in your own thoughts it creates a backlog. Life and relationships don’t stop when you go inside yourself.  We feel the pressure to respond to our present moment surroundings without the mental space to do it, because we have too many mental tabs open in our own mind.  It’s like a computer trying to process information with too many applications running. However, unlike life, a computer can freeze until its processing catches up. We can’t do that so we explode on others.

2.  You lose perspective on time

Choosing to day dream is much different than being trapped in one’s own thoughts. The former produces pleasure and the latter produces mental gaps in recollection of our day.  When you day dream, the fantasy fills one with a sensation. A feeling of pleasure, strength or even fear and loneliness. You have a sense that your mind took you on a roller coaster ride, you may not like the ride but you can account for the time.

When you are trapped in your thoughts, time slips away. It passes through your fingers like sand and you have no idea where the time has gone. There is a feeling of confusion about how the time was spent. For some people, being lost in thought can go on for days and weeks. It is a feeling like you are walking around in a fog. Or walking around in the dark in with a candle that doesn’t quite light well enough to see your next step. At this point some action should be taken to get back into the light again.

3. People are talking to you, but you can’t register what they are saying or feeling

This is a tough one to recognize without “cold water in the face” reality of another person, most often that person is a partner. When she says, “you are not paying attention”,  “you are not understanding” , “you are not getting it” or “I am not speaking anymore cause you can’t hear me” she is saying eh hm “TURN OFF YOUR THOUGHTS AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” read this

It is best to close some programs at this point and listen or get vulnerable and say your concerns and fears around the thoughts you are holding.

How do you unlock your mind and get unstuck from thoughts?  Try these tips:

1.  Get moving

Body movement creates a new circuit in the brain that can pause circular thoughts. The nice thing is any movement can unlock your thoughts. You don’t need to be a marathon runner to take advantage of this. Simply pace in your office,  walk around the block or dance to music. Exercise and yoga are all great ways to get your body moving and to clear your head.  If you are in pinch for time try 10 jumping jacks and 10 toe touches, my particular favorites. Moving will short circuit your mental blockage.

2. Mediation

Spending a few moments relaxing and getting centered is a great way to slow the heart rate and operate your system at slower pace. The change from frenetic energy to soothing energy will help your thoughts slow down. Slowing your thoughts gives you more space to feel the emotion of your thoughts and react in accordance with your highest intentions. Slowing down keeps you from over reacting.  Try a sitting mediation, they can be done anywhere and is a good practice for developing mindfulness.

3. Get Inspired

Reading your favorite quotes, listening to music that moves you and writing can all help you change the dialogue in your head. We get stuck in our heads when we resist the thoughts in our head, that is we don’t want to feel the emotions associated with the thoughts. This sort of disconnection from our emotions is exhausting and makes one feel tense and edgy.  In some way we are not honoring those emotions within us. We make things worse when we project our dishonoring behavior onto those around us.  Inspiration are thoughts that feed up with good feelings. And you guessed it!, feelings are emotions. Inspiration is a way to enjoy thoughts that sink deep down inside of us and nurture us with feelings of pleasure.

4. Laugh

Laughter is a remedy for a lot of what ails us.  according to Socrates laughter is a mixture of both pain and pleasure.  Our emotions and reason react with opposite reactions, the former feelings of pleasure and amusement and the later touches upon our justice or political correctness. This means that laughter touches reason in a place that allows you to laugh at things that may not be totally appropriate. This gives your mind enough of a reason to let go of its serious attachment to its preoccupation. In other words, you are taken out of your head when you laugh, and when you go back to those thoughts you will have more levity.

Every here the story about the guy who bought a brand new jeep Cherokee and sunk it a frozen lake in Michigan while Ice fishing with dynamite?  Its funny and horrible making it grate our sensibilices and tickle our funny bone.

These tips will help you get out of your own head and help you to be more present. Try them the next time you get feedback that you are preoccupied.