How Do I Create The Type of Relationship I Want?

July 31, 2013 — Leave a comment

By George Streeter

Creating the type of relationship that you want is similar to going on a trip to a destination you have never been before. A “destination” being the type of relationship you want and a “map” being the conscious thought you apply to have it. People often start creating a relationship with no idea of where they want to go, or some vague general idea of what the relationship destination will look it. To get from point A to point B the best way is to use a map.

A  good map helps you reach a desired destination, using the most desired path, at the most desired level of efficiency. In other words you go where you want to go, along the path you choose, at your own pace and level of difficulty.

No matter how good a map is,  you can’t expect your map to have all of the obstacles conveniently located on it, with sure fire short cuts to guide you past every obstacle. Real maps don’t work that way and neither do relationship maps.  Having a map is definitely the best way to begin a journey, but the map alone won’t ensure a successful journey.  Every journey has it’s own obstacles and barriers that can act as roadblocks on your journey. So having the skills and tools to navigate roadblocks and obstacles are also critical.

A roadblock in life or relationship can be overcome with insight.  What is insight?  It is a fresh thought that you have never had before or a deep intuitive understanding that leads to fresh perspectives and solutions.  Dr. Gary Klein in his book Seeing What Others Don’t: The remarkable was we gain insight, notes that there are four reasons why people miss insights that could help them:

  1. “Tenaciously” holding on to flawed beliefs. Sometimes we take historical data and use it successfully to trend in the present moment, but often historical thinking about a person or situation only leads to the same old solutions or worse it limits fresh ideas. It is like we get stuck in the same old neighborhood. Dr Klein noted that staying clear of erroneous beliefs is a quick way to gain insight.
  2. Being too comfortable in a narrow set of experiences.  Lets face it change is hard and sometimes we like to live in our comfort zone. Being able to have experiences outside of our comfort zone gives a person a greater breadth of knowledge from which to tackle potential roadblocks.You gain more tools with more experiences. Making you ready to tackle persistent problems in fresh ways.
  3. Being passive instead of actively seeking new questions and answers in life.  Asking ourselves the hard questions and actively seeking answers to those questions helps us gain insight. Every time I take a chance, whether I fail or succeed, I learn something, and that allows me to gain “new questions and answers in life”.
  4. “A fixation with concrete reasoning” that restricts playful hypothetical reasoning.  We bolster our confidence with a long list of reasons why. But seldom do we formulate a long list of reasons for  “why not”. We can think of a lot of reasons why it might be a bad idea to bungie jump off of bridge, but can you think of just as many for why it would be a good idea? Being able to adapt our line of reasoning adds to our capacity to gain understanding and insight.

With map in hand, a destination in our hearts and a few mental tools we can navigate the creation of a relationship that we want.

I help people navigate the creation of the type of relationships they want.  Contact me at

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