Archives For August 2013

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

What is desire? Philosophers have been debating the question since antiquity.  It is defined as “ to strongly wish for or want something” . The word has synonyms like: crave, yearn, covet, long, lust, will or wish.  And yet none of the synonyms alone adequately describe the feeling a woman has when you express the true nature of  your desire for her in a way that makes her feminine heart flutter.

For a woman, that feeling of being desired is more encompassing than lust, more gracious than coveting, more nourishing than yearning, more solid that wishing and less expectant that willing.  The words used to define desire seem to have the object of our desire in a less than connected relationship to the one desiring. Obviously this is not your goal or hers.

In romance desire can be seen as the will to devour and consume one’s beloved with the grace to suffer the yearning of wanting indefinitely.  It means feeling the hunger to devour and consume and living in that feeling in a gracious spacious manner. To a woman this is a total turn on. To a man this is as hard as doing… handstand scorpion yoga pose. Not sure what I am talking about… check it out then.

Nicole Daedone, founder and leader of Onetaste, which practices and teaches Orgasmic Meditation, says that the feeling of both having and wanting ( true desire) comes from being full on orgasm and living life in flow.  Orgasm being your life force sexual energy and flow being well flow.  The formula looks something like this :

Desire + Flow(grace) = a full orgasm.

Being full on orgasm keeps ones desire from feeling like hunger. See my blog post on Hunger vs Desire Part 1.

To simplify, hunger and desire differ in expectation. Desire is all the hunger without the nasty agitated, goal oriented maneuvering that she feels as “yucky” in her body. Desire allows sexual tension to build organically, and it radiates a sense of contentment enjoying every excruciating movement of longing for her. Longing that is free of resentment. Get it? Got it… Good!

Desire plays with and feeds off of anticipation. Spoken desire mixed with anticipation is a pleasantly lethal combination that women find hard to resist. This is called building desire and it is key to a woman’s happiness and her feelings of being sexy and desired by you.

The longer and more familiar your relationship with a woman is, the more you will need to work on building desire through anticipation.

Here are a few tips to build desire:

  • Tell her something you are grateful for about her.
  • Thank her for being in your life.
  • Show her an appreciation.
  • Offer to do something nice, to contribute without her asking.
  • Buy a small gift for no reason at all.

And most importantly…

Tell her when you desire her sexually the moment you feel it… and do nothing else but allow her to bask your feelings for her.  Wait in your desire and she will find you irresistible.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

“I don’t want to feel your expectation, your “sex” doesn’t feel good in my body”, that was the report of a conversation between my friend and his partner. 

“what does that mean?” he inquired of me. He was totally lost as to how to respond to her. 

“Do you want sex with your partner?” I asked.

“Yes!, I need it so bad. She just doesn’t want sex as much as I do…..right?.

“Wrong” I say, “she just doesn’t like the way your “hunger” feels in her body but she desires sex, especially from you.” 

“Hunger? My hunger is my passion!” he exclaimed. “she is always talking about wanting more passion in our relationship…” 

“I get that”, I say “ what she wants is to feel your desire and not your hunger.” 

This real life example conversation would be played out in 95 out of 100 conversations  with most males.  So what is the difference between hunger and desire and why is one so lethal and one so potent?

To a man, the drive for sex is a simple straight forward thing. It works like this:  grunt first, then have the thought “I want sex”, then act to seek out a sex partner, next have sex, finally, roll over and go sleep satisfied. Goal achieved!

When the object of a man’s sex drive is a woman, that straight forward, goal oriented motivation of a man, feels full of expectation to her.  Expectation + male sex drive hunger. Hunger feels awful to a woman, unless she is also hungry and then it is just tolerated.

Why does hunger feel awful to a woman?

Male hunger is expressed in agitation, expectation, it is guilt laden, heavy handed and disconnected from the present moment.  Of course the above description would not feel good in a woman’s body.  But wait there is more….  Here is another more important reason why you should learn to drop hunger and operate from desire.

To a woman hot sex is always spontaneous.  Women want “spontaneity” when it comes to sex.  What does it mean to be spontaneous in sex?  Despite what the latest Cosmopolitan says,  it simply means, all the fun, passion, and connection associated with “getting her in the mood” without feeling like she is on a one way street to the bedroom, with no way to change course.

Translation please:  she feels like she is expected to satisfy your hunger no matter whether she feels desirous of sex in the moment.

To a woman, that feels “yucky”. As one woman put it  “it (male hunger) makes me feel like I am less than a person”.

So what is desire?…..we will cover that in part 2.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

Scarcity is the most lethal killer of romantic interest in a woman, second only to being a jerk.   It is the silver bullet shot into the heart of the beast known as romantic passion.  Nothing irritates women more than the relentless, selfish motivational energy that is scarcity.

What is it exactly? and how do I know if I am operating in it?

Well for starters scarcity is completely different from hunger or desire, which offer their own unique benefits and problems. Scarcity is the itch on a phantom limb that can never be scratched. It is the idea that there is an inadequate amount to go around for everyone.  Satiation for a person who lives with thoughts of scarcity is an impossibility.

How do you know if you have a scarcity mentality about relationships? Here are three simple ways. There are others of course but a yes to any of theses questions means you have a few issues to work out before you can completely enjoy what you have.

1. You feel jealously and envy of what other men have that you (perceive you) don’t.

If you have a scarcity mindset you see resources as limited, so love and pleasure are resources and de facto limited. This is obviously absurd, because love, pleasure and connection are never limited, but are in fact unlimited. The loss of equilibrium at the thought of someone having something that is unavailable to you…. scarcity mentality.

2. You see other men as threats and rivals.

When you walk into a room with a woman on your arm, do you tense up at the site of a group of men in the room? Do you feel aggressive and over protective? Men are a great source of camaraderie and a group of guys can provide the energy and support needed to help a man get out of his comfort zone and live a little.  If there is an abundance of resources available to you, there is no need to create a rivalry.  If scarcity is your mental state, then even your friends appear to be potential rivals.

3. You feel that you will be forgotten if you don’t take act in your own best interest.

When you feel compelled to initiate every action in the relationship ( to get what you need)  while feeling frustration that you must initiate every action in your relationship (to get what you need), you are in scarcity.  This attitude diminishes the opportunity for your partner to meet you at your desires. Basically you are not giving others a chance to show you how wonderful you are to them.

If your relationship is on a respirator it may be because of a scarcity mindset. Operating as a person who believes in abundance is the only way to break the cycle scarcity,  the most potent killer of romantic passion.

By George Streeter – Relationship Coach

We are inundated with sexual misinformation on what “good” sex is from the porn industry and magazines. Both give us a false picture of what “good” looks like in sex. The focus is on the intensity, duration, positions and techniques. But hardly any material out there focusses on the heart of the matter… showing up in a way that is authentic to how you are feeling in the moment.

Men put pressure on themselves to be show up in the bed room like the Marvel comic book super hero Batman.  That is, both men and women expect, a man to be a lover who will have the exact right gadget to get them both out of any unwanted sexual situation.  Low libido? pop a pill. Low sensation? try the latest porn position. Sexually bored?  How about a new fetish.

The expectation is that he will know what to say and do to handle any unwanted situation.  Men feel like they need Batman’s utility belt (of tricks and techniques) to please her, or the sex has the potential for being a joke.

But men don’t have utility belts and sometimes we feel less than “super” in the moment of intimacy. What do we do then?  Here are three simple things we can do to go from mediocre to super in her eyes.

 Own our own feelings.

73% of men and 75% of women suffer from speech anxiety. That is the fear of public speaking. One of the techniques used by great speakers to overcome this fear is to admit “I am nervous” just before speaking.  Just saying the words reduces anxiety in both mind and body and releases the right chemical cocktail to help the speaker perform better.  This will work in the bedroom as well. Verbalization in the moment is one sure fire way of “owning” one’s own feelings.

Refrain from blaming your partner. 

When I feel pressure, the first thing I want to do is remove the “thing” that I feel is pressuring me. Often in relationship when one refuses to own their own feelings, we will blame another person for causing our feelings. Blame makes another person responsible for our own internal state. It is a bad idea when you have your clothing on, and blame is an even worse idea if you intend to connect in the bedroom.

Stop!, take a moment and feel into the pressure you are feeling to perform. Verbalize to reduce that feeling of pressure and don’t say a word about how your partner is showing up in that moment.  Keep the focus of your mind and energies on the navigation of your own internal space. And once you are there, don’t blame yourself either!

Finally, change your expectations of the situation.

Performance anxiety is all about living up to the mental images we create in our own minds. Often our partner has no clue about film footage that is running in our minds, that is causing us to be less than present in intimacy with our partners.

Turning off the imagery in our minds and focussing on the visual information from our pupils, is the single best way to respond to your partner in the present moment. Try this the next time the “film footage” is taking you out of your game.

Bring your attention to her body. Noticing every inch and curve of her landscape is the best way to create a hot steamy present moment picture in your mind.  Take as long as you need to admire her, give your eyes a smorgasbord of her body.  And women stop being self conscious and give him the opportunity to appreciate what he already likes about you.

So whether you play Batman or Superman in the bed room, owning your own feelings, refraining from blame and stopping the sexual “film footage” in your mind are three quick ways you can please her every time.

Contact 415 766 0397

By George Streeter

All you want to do in that moment is nothing. However, does the following dialogue sound familiar? Her: what are you feeling right now? Him: Nothing, it is just that I don’t like the situation. Her: Well how do you feel about the situation?  Him: “I told you, I don’t like it?”  Her: (Staring incredulously and becoming more irritated, wondering why he is holding back his true feelings with her on the topic.)  Him:  What? (shrugging).

I was asked once to choose just one area for a man to change in himself that would make a huge impact on his relationships with women.  This is a difficult question when you think about the diversity around what women want. Yet the question becomes less complicated when you change the question to:  What is the single most problematic area for men? The answer:  sharing emotions.

Men cause women undue suffering by simply being stoic and keeping their emotions on the inside. According to studies, men miss opportunities to “engage” with their partners on a deeper level, when we fail to share our emotions, especially when a man hides his frustrations.

Men tend to deal with negative emotions by stuffing them down. We don’t often take the time to deal with our own seething angers and let them build into resentments.  Often, underneath male anger and resentment you find a man who has not expressed his real desires, or shared his hurt or feelings of loss.

Women, when faced with an emotionally distant man, will feel disconnected from him and bewildered by the emotion she feels from him that is not being expressed by him. 

When a man is emotional disconnected a couple of thoughts that may cross her mind; She often wonders “Can he handle my emotions, because he can’t seem to get a handle on his own?  Or “Is he willing to invest in this relationship?”

For many men the idea that his frustrations can be a bridge to connection with his partner are… unbelievable.  Shiri Cohen, a clinical psychologist and researcher at Massachusetts General Hospital, asked 156 couples to remember incidents in the relationship that upset them and compared their reactions.

What she found is that “women tend to want to engage around conflict”. She continued, “In other words, women are deriving more satisfaction when they see that their partner is upset. That is telling her (the woman) something about his availability to engage in the relationship.”

Women should keep in mind that men feel exactly the opposite about those moments of conflict and see them as a threat to the relationship.  And men should keep it in mind that If a conflict comes up, a woman is generally looking for a way to penetrate your stoic armor and connect with you and she wants to feel your sadness, frustrations and joy.