By George Streeter – Relationship Coach
We are inundated with sexual misinformation on what “good” sex is from the porn industry and magazines. Both give us a false picture of what “good” looks like in sex. The focus is on the intensity, duration, positions and techniques. But hardly any material out there focusses on the heart of the matter… showing up in a way that is authentic to how you are feeling in the moment.
Men put pressure on themselves to be show up in the bed room like the Marvel comic book super hero Batman. That is, both men and women expect, a man to be a lover who will have the exact right gadget to get them both out of any unwanted sexual situation. Low libido? pop a pill. Low sensation? try the latest porn position. Sexually bored? How about a new fetish.
The expectation is that he will know what to say and do to handle any unwanted situation. Men feel like they need Batman’s utility belt (of tricks and techniques) to please her, or the sex has the potential for being a joke.
But men don’t have utility belts and sometimes we feel less than “super” in the moment of intimacy. What do we do then? Here are three simple things we can do to go from mediocre to super in her eyes.
Own our own feelings.
73% of men and 75% of women suffer from speech anxiety. That is the fear of public speaking. One of the techniques used by great speakers to overcome this fear is to admit “I am nervous” just before speaking. Just saying the words reduces anxiety in both mind and body and releases the right chemical cocktail to help the speaker perform better. This will work in the bedroom as well. Verbalization in the moment is one sure fire way of “owning” one’s own feelings.
Refrain from blaming your partner.
When I feel pressure, the first thing I want to do is remove the “thing” that I feel is pressuring me. Often in relationship when one refuses to own their own feelings, we will blame another person for causing our feelings. Blame makes another person responsible for our own internal state. It is a bad idea when you have your clothing on, and blame is an even worse idea if you intend to connect in the bedroom.
Stop!, take a moment and feel into the pressure you are feeling to perform. Verbalize to reduce that feeling of pressure and don’t say a word about how your partner is showing up in that moment. Keep the focus of your mind and energies on the navigation of your own internal space. And once you are there, don’t blame yourself either!
Finally, change your expectations of the situation.
Performance anxiety is all about living up to the mental images we create in our own minds. Often our partner has no clue about film footage that is running in our minds, that is causing us to be less than present in intimacy with our partners.
Turning off the imagery in our minds and focussing on the visual information from our pupils, is the single best way to respond to your partner in the present moment. Try this the next time the “film footage” is taking you out of your game.
Bring your attention to her body. Noticing every inch and curve of her landscape is the best way to create a hot steamy present moment picture in your mind. Take as long as you need to admire her, give your eyes a smorgasbord of her body. And women stop being self conscious and give him the opportunity to appreciate what he already likes about you.
So whether you play Batman or Superman in the bed room, owning your own feelings, refraining from blame and stopping the sexual “film footage” in your mind are three quick ways you can please her every time.
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