Archives For September 2013

The Truth Is We Lie

September 17, 2013 — Leave a comment

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

The truth is that we lie.  As men we typically operate out of integrity. This sounds harsh and it is, but someone has to call a spade a spade. Someone has to free us from the disconnection to each other and ourselves. I am speaking now because I don’t hear the truth espoused anywhere. Why is it so easy for us to live in disconnection?  Because the majority of the messages we receive as men perpetuate a lie. What is this lie? That the world, society, our families can not afford to have us live life as real men.

And so we hide ourselves from the world, society, our families and ourselves.  We hang our authentic selves on a rack like a winter coat, only to be used on especially cold nights. We accept the idea that our true masculine selves are too hard, too intense, too sensitive, too strong and too unpredictable to be a part of the “normal” reality we live in. We shut ourselves down, dissipate our power and disassociate from others to protect our fragile male egos. And there lies the truth.

Some egos are more fragile than others, so they tend to dominate, to push for control, but this is all a form of self-protection. The hard exterior of an alpha male or a type A personality or a cynic, belies the soft gooey middle that is in such need of nourishment, love and connection. Another extreme is the checked out male and the “nice guy” both of whom live in a cesspool of anger and resentment, smiling like a crocodile and stuffing his true feelings about everything so far down that his feelings can no longer be felt by anyone, even himself.

Fortunately the vast majority of us, live in the broad bland space in between the two extremes above.  Yet, in my practice as a life coach I find that men in the broad expanse are more prone to lie to themselves and others in 3 main areas of life.

The need to connect deeply with other men

As men we set ourselves apart from the connection of other males in society.  At best we have our cliché, our small group that supports us in our isolation. We operate as rogue states, protecting our boundaries from other rouge states. Unless we work in a job that routinely puts people from varied backgrounds together for a purpose, like a sports team, or the military, men rarely get the opportunity to feel exactly what they feel about another male (be it dislike, envy, jealousy, irritation, or disapproval) and have the need to stay in connection.

Women, on the other hand, do this all the time. They feel an emotion about another woman, whether positive or negative and they manage to remain connected. Men see connection as approval.  And approval of our negative emotions or even worse approval of a man we feel a jealousy towards is forbidden in the disconnected code of male behavior.  The real truth is that when we connect to another person we like or dislike, what is really being approved of are our own emotions.

That we desire intimacy even more than women.

Ask any sex worker, we want to connect deeply to another human, sex is about more than just sex. Most sex workers spend very little time engaged in actual sex. Men tend to pay for sex as a way to connect with a women. Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and noted author, has found in her research that men fall in love faster than women almost twice as fast. She also notes that men go into new relationships faster than women and men live longer lives within in a committed relationship.

We also have deep concerns about our adequacy in the area of sex. We over compensate and hide our discomfort of relating with a woman’s desire for connected sex.  It makes sense, our anatomy makes it obvious when we are not feeling sexual. We can’t hide at the moment of passion when our cocks are flaccid, so we hide in the many moments outside of the bedroom when we check out mentally, our we pour ourselves into our work.  A more radical check out is to play so hard in life that we make ourselves unavailable for meaningful connection.

“I feel bored once the chase is over” is something that men relate to me in my coaching practice. Often boredom after the “chase” is over is a man’s unwillingness to play a deeper game in relationship to a woman.   So inherent in the “i feel bored…” comment is a lie about our level of connection. The un-spoken communication is that “I want to check out on the opportunity to go deeper by creating the next opportunity to chase next woman, play the next game, pick up the next woman.

Whatever the method, we short change ourselves and others by not facing our emotions around our desires for intimacy. We stay on a superficial level refusing to get in touch with ourselves so that we can communicate what we need in each moment.  Let me just state for the record, the heart of a woman, when open to a man, is as vast as the diversity in the ocean. And like marine life, fascinating, awe-inspiring and frightening. So dive in.

We lie to ourselves as we hide behind appropriateness. 

At a deep level we convince ourselves we are something we are not. The beings that know what justice is, know what it is to have empathy and understand that love is more than peaceful politically correct feelings, often takes a back seat to a person, who is trying to play small, keep his head down and go unnoticed and just get through the day.

In relationships appropriateness denies our loved ones with our clarity, our tough love, our decisiveness and our passion. We let loved ones live in disconnection with us, tuning them out so that we don’t feel the emotions that our the source of our disconnection.

Truth is integrity and integrity is a two-step process. Step one is knowing what do and step two is doing it.  If you know what to do to maintain integrity and refuse to do it, you are no longer in integrity. If you live life pretending that you don’t know what the next right step is, you are also out of integrity.

So I am asking all men to live in the truth and let’s stop living our little lies.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

The first romantic getaway with your new date will be perfect if you remember these 7 tips for making any getaway a pleasurable one.

Taking that first overnight trip with your new date can be disastrous if you don’t  use these seven tips to make the trip remarkable. To a woman the first getaway is an opportunity to see if the relationship has any real staying power.   If you fail to employ these 7 tips in this phase of your relationship, it be could be fatal to the relationship.

Here are seven things you want to remember about the first out-of-town getaway.

1. How you treat others says everything about how you will treat her.

This may sound ominous and over exaggerated but it’s not. When you head out-of-town with that perfect woman, she is watching everything you do and say to the people you come in contact with and comparing it with everything you did and said in the past, and with her ideals about relationship.

How did you treat the concierge at the front desk? or that snarky waitress at dinner?  She is watching to see how you will respond to the customer service rep at the airport. She wants to see if it is safe for her to show more vulnerable aspects of her personality  to you.

Despite how well you think you know her, there are things, at this stage of the relationship, that haven’t even been spoken between you two. At this stage she wants to feel safety in your presence. She is looking for the degree of openness you have so that she can share herself with you more.

The Take Away:

Be yourself and keep part of your focus on her even when you are interacting with another. So if the bartender skips over you for the tenth time, remember in that moment she cares more about connecting with you while at the bar than being ignored by the bartender. Just keep engaging with her until the bartender comes around.

2. Let her feel your excitement… for anything.

Whether you are type A or less than type A, find something on the overnight trip to get you really excited that is not work related or (pay attention to me here) sex related.  Remember she is watching everything and  is judging your reactions for their potential to make her feel safe enough to be more vulnerable and real with you.

She wants to feel your genuine feelings of joy and your real enthusiasm for anything other than work or sex.  She needs to know your capacity to be happy, and she is measuring your capacity against her own for long-term compatibility.

The Take away:

Here is a tip if you are under 40.  Do you recall the joy and enthusiasm you had about your first Nintendo Gameboy? Well go Nintendo wild about any topic, let that good feeling take over you, and share it with her. She will give you all of that joy back 10 fold.

3. Say “No Thank You”.

We have a tendency to want to give people everything early in the relationship, even at the expense of our own needs and wants. On this getaway let her feel your “no”. When you are not a full enthusiastic yes, clear your throat and say “no thank you”.  It is a kind thing to do. Remember to give her an idea of something you would rather do instead.

Gentlemen this is harder than it seems, but showing her you have a spine and that you are a man who knows what he doesn’t want, will go a long way for building the trust and safety she is craving.

The Take Away:

When you feel a little resistant to anything on the trip, let her know the minute you feel it, but leave room to negotiate an outcome that meets your needs and hers.  A phrase as simple as “ I am not feeling ( fill in the blank) at the moment,  I would prefer to do ( fill in the blank), how would you feel about doing that” will go a long way.  SImple? Yes!  Easy, No!

4. Do all the planning for one of your excursions.

So whether you are going to a dance club,  a sight-seeing excursion or staying in the hotel for a movie and room service that night, take some time and thought to completely handle some aspect of your entertainment while on your getaway.

Remember, her primary motivation is for the success of the trip. When you handle the planning for some aspect of the trip she can relax knowing that you are doing something entirely for your own pleasure.  The knowledge that you are acting make something fun happen for the two of you is a real turn on for her.  This tip will win you many brownie points.

The Take Away:

To find the best local hangouts speak with the hotel concierge or review yelp. If you arrive at your getaway destination via plane, get an area guide at the airport.  Google is a great way prep for any excursion. The key is planning, so make a good plan for dinner and have a back up just in case the menu doesn’t agree. Your thoughtfulness and preparedness will go along way towards allowing her to relax and enjoy you.

5. Recharge when you need time to yourself.

While you are practicing an authentic “no”, also practice saying “yes” to taking time for yourself on your getaway.  Everyone needs, time alone to recalibrate and she may too. Give her permission to attend to her own needs, by getting permission to attend to your own needs. Taking time and space to read, hot tub, sit alone, phone a friend or veg in front of a television are necessary to the proper care and functioning of a man.  So don’t neglect the time you need

The Take Away:

Take a few minutes everyday to let your mind dwell on nothing at all, but only after you incorporate tip #4.

6. Share something vulnerable.

This is the perfect opportunity to get in touch with yourself and share your insights with her.  By now you are well on your way to having more intimacy and a closer relationship than ever before. Take a moment and share some aspect of your life.  Sharing your fears, dreams, longings, the  little hurts that we all feel from time to time over her a glimpse of you. There is also a chance for connection when you come with complete transparency.

The take away:

Do an internal gut check here, if what you have to say doesn’t make you swallow hard just thinking about saying it, then you need to go deeper. When you feel that pit in your stomach, you know you are in the right spot.

7. Keep your sense humor

Humor is a great tension reliever. In fact studies show that a man who can make a woman laugh makes her feel cared for supported. Laughter produces a feeling of security in women. Laughter releases endorphins and endorphins produce the chemical cocktails that leads to sexual arousal. Funny guys have all the fun.

The take away:

There is a difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone else’s expense. This is a very important distinction.  Laughing as the pepper dispenser opens into the plate of food she has just ordered in the restaurant… not cool. Laughing at the white sunscreen that spatters her face like an indian warrior – funny.  The former may cause tension, the later will cause connection.

Following these seven tips will make your next getaway more pleasurable and more satisfying for you both.

Bon Voyage!