The Truth Is We Lie

September 17, 2013 — Leave a comment

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

The truth is that we lie.  As men we typically operate out of integrity. This sounds harsh and it is, but someone has to call a spade a spade. Someone has to free us from the disconnection to each other and ourselves. I am speaking now because I don’t hear the truth espoused anywhere. Why is it so easy for us to live in disconnection?  Because the majority of the messages we receive as men perpetuate a lie. What is this lie? That the world, society, our families can not afford to have us live life as real men.

And so we hide ourselves from the world, society, our families and ourselves.  We hang our authentic selves on a rack like a winter coat, only to be used on especially cold nights. We accept the idea that our true masculine selves are too hard, too intense, too sensitive, too strong and too unpredictable to be a part of the “normal” reality we live in. We shut ourselves down, dissipate our power and disassociate from others to protect our fragile male egos. And there lies the truth.

Some egos are more fragile than others, so they tend to dominate, to push for control, but this is all a form of self-protection. The hard exterior of an alpha male or a type A personality or a cynic, belies the soft gooey middle that is in such need of nourishment, love and connection. Another extreme is the checked out male and the “nice guy” both of whom live in a cesspool of anger and resentment, smiling like a crocodile and stuffing his true feelings about everything so far down that his feelings can no longer be felt by anyone, even himself.

Fortunately the vast majority of us, live in the broad bland space in between the two extremes above.  Yet, in my practice as a life coach I find that men in the broad expanse are more prone to lie to themselves and others in 3 main areas of life.

The need to connect deeply with other men

As men we set ourselves apart from the connection of other males in society.  At best we have our cliché, our small group that supports us in our isolation. We operate as rogue states, protecting our boundaries from other rouge states. Unless we work in a job that routinely puts people from varied backgrounds together for a purpose, like a sports team, or the military, men rarely get the opportunity to feel exactly what they feel about another male (be it dislike, envy, jealousy, irritation, or disapproval) and have the need to stay in connection.

Women, on the other hand, do this all the time. They feel an emotion about another woman, whether positive or negative and they manage to remain connected. Men see connection as approval.  And approval of our negative emotions or even worse approval of a man we feel a jealousy towards is forbidden in the disconnected code of male behavior.  The real truth is that when we connect to another person we like or dislike, what is really being approved of are our own emotions.

That we desire intimacy even more than women.

Ask any sex worker, we want to connect deeply to another human, sex is about more than just sex. Most sex workers spend very little time engaged in actual sex. Men tend to pay for sex as a way to connect with a women. Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and noted author, has found in her research that men fall in love faster than women almost twice as fast. She also notes that men go into new relationships faster than women and men live longer lives within in a committed relationship.

We also have deep concerns about our adequacy in the area of sex. We over compensate and hide our discomfort of relating with a woman’s desire for connected sex.  It makes sense, our anatomy makes it obvious when we are not feeling sexual. We can’t hide at the moment of passion when our cocks are flaccid, so we hide in the many moments outside of the bedroom when we check out mentally, our we pour ourselves into our work.  A more radical check out is to play so hard in life that we make ourselves unavailable for meaningful connection.

“I feel bored once the chase is over” is something that men relate to me in my coaching practice. Often boredom after the “chase” is over is a man’s unwillingness to play a deeper game in relationship to a woman.   So inherent in the “i feel bored…” comment is a lie about our level of connection. The un-spoken communication is that “I want to check out on the opportunity to go deeper by creating the next opportunity to chase next woman, play the next game, pick up the next woman.

Whatever the method, we short change ourselves and others by not facing our emotions around our desires for intimacy. We stay on a superficial level refusing to get in touch with ourselves so that we can communicate what we need in each moment.  Let me just state for the record, the heart of a woman, when open to a man, is as vast as the diversity in the ocean. And like marine life, fascinating, awe-inspiring and frightening. So dive in.

We lie to ourselves as we hide behind appropriateness. 

At a deep level we convince ourselves we are something we are not. The beings that know what justice is, know what it is to have empathy and understand that love is more than peaceful politically correct feelings, often takes a back seat to a person, who is trying to play small, keep his head down and go unnoticed and just get through the day.

In relationships appropriateness denies our loved ones with our clarity, our tough love, our decisiveness and our passion. We let loved ones live in disconnection with us, tuning them out so that we don’t feel the emotions that our the source of our disconnection.

Truth is integrity and integrity is a two-step process. Step one is knowing what do and step two is doing it.  If you know what to do to maintain integrity and refuse to do it, you are no longer in integrity. If you live life pretending that you don’t know what the next right step is, you are also out of integrity.

So I am asking all men to live in the truth and let’s stop living our little lies.

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