Archives For Couples

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

Often, those whom I coach become my friends; this makes sense since a friend always has your best interest at heart. The coaching relationship can become intense when I see my client engaging in behavior that is extremely detrimental to his relationship goals. At these times my client can’t see how his behavior is killing his relationships. This is certainly true with obvious reckless behavior like drugs and alcohol, but it is just as true with a chronic male behavior of being too nice and accommodating to everyone.

Mr. Nice Guy often ignores his own best wishes and desires to win the approval of other people in his life. And while everyone wants to be liked, the Nice Guys need to be liked and have the approval of others.

According to Dr Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, the nice guy has formed a mental map and paradigm of life to create a “smooth happy life”.  They go out of their way to cover up feelings of inadequacy they felt as children. Being nice is a coping mechanism, a sort of mask worn to keep people from seeing all of the Nice Guy’s “internal toxic shame”. The Nice Guy is trying to survive a world of uncertainty by being nice to create love for himself. It often fails in relationships. Here is why.

Many women are accepting of this type of behavior until they really like a guy. At that point, a woman wants more than sensitivity from a man; she wants a man who can energetically hold all of her emotions, outbursts, and inconsistencies, and the torrent of feelings that she is constantly trying to manage. She wants a man who can see all of her without running away or mentally checking out.

From the Nice Guy’s perspective, her energy can feel like drama and intensity. He either wants to run or placate her emotional energy. He sees an upset woman as someone he needs to protect; he doesn’t really care if this is what is really needed for her growth. In his mind, a woman who is upset simply wants more kindness and placation and he simply wants her emotions to go away. He wants to stop her upset and feel like he is approved and loved again and to gain this approval he will violates his own person to placate her. Women quickly tire of this behavior.

The idea is to get her into a happy state as quickly as possible.  Frustration, anger, sadness, and discontent are all emotions that can threaten the “smooth” life of the nice guy. And while it is valid and true that women want to move quickly through their emotional blocks and barriers, it is also true that a woman wants an emotionally strong man to be a holder and supporter of her emotions.  She wants a man with some grit who will be honest with her and both tender and strong.  

Hence the problem for Mr. Nice Guy in relationships: he is less interested in her expression, expansion or emotional development that he is in his own peace and stability within the relationship. Women easily recognize this limitation when it occurs in a man and routinely opt to play small and demure around a man she feels can’t handle her. Women choose to bottle up parts of themselves, incrementally letting their full personality out. Then once it is clear that Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t care about her concerns but only with pacifying them, she will lose interest and Mr. Nice Guy will try even harder and resent women even more. Until neither she nor he can stand the situation.

To be a man that women find utterly irresistible, be a man who can own his own desires, his own passions, and his own dark side as well as his gentlemanly side. Be authentic. Drop the desire to impress, be approved of, or feel validated as a human being by your partner. It is great when it happens, but stop being Mr. Nice Guy and trading “niceness” for love and approval. Get in touch with your own emotions, passions and desires and learn to express those, even when they are in opposition to your partner. She wants to know your truth!  She wants to feel like she can bring here entire emotional life to the relationship. So stop being so damn nice! She wants to know you can handle all of her emotional sides.

February, 2, 2014

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A couple is fighting about perceived slights from one another, none of what they are saying to each other is landed with the other partner. They wish to be real, authentic, deep and introspective in a relationship with one another, but this only works when each parter can speak only for their emotions, thoughts and feelings.
Making comments or decisions about the feelings, intentions and desires of your partner is simply assumptive thinking. Assumptive thinking allows the person making the assumptions to continue to live out the deep insecurities within themselves without ever facing the reality of their partner in the present moment and the party operating in assumptions doesn’t give themselves the chance to grow by examining the fear that is running them.

Coach George

http://www.georgestreeter.com/rekindlecoaching.com.html

monogamy love

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

This is part of a letter to a person I consider a close friend. Her struggle with the idea of giving up her freedom (to act on her own desires unchecked) to follow a stronger desire for “deeper love and intimacy” in relationship, she has been the catalyst for me to write this article.

I am a relationship coach, so I see the benefit in any number of relationship styles, from conscious single-hood to poly marital arrangements, I can see the pros and cons for every relationship option. Just remember, no matter what your preferences are every relationship style has its own set of limitations.

Every relationship structure has its pros and cons.  No matter what relationship structure you choose there is always a certain amount of hand wringing and gut wrenching that is necessary for love and acceptance to exist between two people.  We are not born with the ability to see and accept all of our partners flaws and short comings.  We learn to do this through the struggle of the relationship.  It seems that no matter how loving, romantic, and drama- less the union is, at some point, for the relationship to become a “romance of a life time” it has to take each participant through the crucible. The crucible is the “fire” needed to heat ones system up so hot that your individual quirks and selfishness can surface and be melted away. The crucible makes you lovable under the pressure of relating.

Often a fascination with finding just the right person, who has just the right background and education, with just the right interests and hobbies becomes an effort to dampen the fire of the crucible so that you won’t have the differences that causes personalities to grow.  Our Mr. and Ms Right syndrome (our rigid preferences) are just a way to cool the fire of the crucible so that no growth or change is possible within the relationship. This we euphemistically term as a relationship with no passion.

So with growth as the guide, I want to take a moment to share some positive thoughts on the topic of monogamy.

To make monogamy work, seek to understand the limitations of monogamy and get in loving agreement with your own motivations for desiring those particular limitations in your life.  In other words, every relationship model has a few fatal flaws and the idea is to pick the poison that offers you the greatest opportunity for sustainable survival.

What is the poison of Monogamy? In every relationship structure you are making a deal with the devil when you enter it, so make sure you are not promising your first-born.  To enter into monogamy successfully know what you are giving up and know for how long you are giving it up for. This will keep you from waking up one day and going to the grocery store and never coming back home again.

The most apparent thing one trades when choosing monogamy is sex with others, however, there are other things people barter with when choosing monogamy.  Here is a short list:  financial autonomy, scheduling freedom (coming and going without checking in), dating freedom (platonic or otherwise), flirting ( following attractions impulses), thought autonomy (who you think about), spacial freedom (what you do with your time and where you spend it).

Understand that sometimes the demands of monogamy changes where you live, how you live, where you work and with whom you socialize. You consciously or unconsciously, trade these little freedoms as you build a partnership of committed love.

Now that you are clear on the type of poison a monogamy relationship can be for you, here are some of the benefits that are most often associated with pair bonding in monogamy.

Monogamy allows for deep, deep connection with a single person. 

Unlike open relationships there are just a few main characters in your relationship. Typically there is your partner, you, your work, his/her work and the kids to think, talk and worry about. Sure there are social concerns, and extended family but these concerns often revolve around work and family.  Monogamy as a structure is optimal for getting to know one another on a deep level. The distraction of other relationships are not present and so there is a natural tendency to focus on one another.

This implies of course that you both are still working on your own personal growth. Monogamy, more than any other relationship structure demands continued self exploration from each partner. Without it monogamy can get boring real fast. And no matter how many social events, dinner’s out or family vacations you have, you still end up looking each other in the face without knowing what to say to one another.

Monogamy allows you to be completely uninhibited sexually. 

Connected uninhibited sex is available in monogamy provided you are able to connect on a deep level ( i.e. continue your own personal growth journey so you have something deep to share).

Despite commonly held beliefs,  being in a more open relationship model, means that you must take more thought and care for all of the physical and emotional needs of your partners. This type of care by its nature is more responsible and less uninhibited.  Important note:  cheating or being deceptive with your liaisons is also by nature less uninhibited.

The uninhibited nature of sex is the main reason why women shelve their desires for variety to have a single partner who can be adequate in bed. The idea is that one man will learn all of her spots and she can safely surrender to him. Interestingly, most of the reasons given for monogamy are for the feeling of safety and security and not the potential for erotic growth that is present with a single partner.

Most are unaware of sexual growth as a motivation and instead focus on ethical, moral or health concerns as the deeper motivation. Deep down she knows that her own sex is like a minefield and is unknown territory even to herself. So the navigation of her own sex feels safer with a single known person… her man.

Monogamy offers the best possible opportunity to curb the distracting force of desire.

Desires can distract us from friends, family and financial concerns.  Passionate relationships feel good, they often feel better than working or focussing on the concerns we have around our day-to-day life.  Which would you rather do? have a hot make out at lunch or read the company email? Our desires can distract us, whether it is within our imagination or in our reality, desires pull us out of our habitual patterns of being and offer us an opportunity to lose ourselves. However, it is this lost feeling that makes us feel so threatened by our own desires and the desires of others.

Monogamy is a natural buffer between our spiritual selves and our desires. The relationship/or partner curbs our urges and impulses. This does not mean that we act like wild dogs when we are in open relationships, but the natural delay of desire in an open relationship is replaced with the natural death of desire that is required in successful monogamy. Don’t believe that?  Then ask yourself is it ok for your partner to fantasize about your best friend on their lunch break? That type of infidelity is typically a no- no in a closed relationship.

Being disciplined in our imagination and thoughts has a benefit.  A person who has restricted his imagination is less free in his thoughts but finds himself more free in his actions. Killing desire frees the mind to think about the concerns of a relationship or of the state of the body and finances.

To a distracted personality, the discipline of monogamy can be like a god-send, and act as a sure-fire way to cultivate new hobbies, interests and skills.

The point here is to enter into and out of relationships with an understanding of who you are and what you want. And to accept and make room for the obvious pit falls of any relationship structure you choose. Just make sure you have an open, honest dialogue to agree on what that your relationship looks like.

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Every man has heard the following from a woman he has been in a significant relationship with:  “I am fighting with you because I love you”. If not those exact words, some version of that. To a man, the above statement is an oxymoron. It doesn’t compute. What does she mean when she says this? Who knows, but the male translation of her logic goes something like this:

“You are fighting me because you are hyper-emotional. If you love me, then there would be no fights between us. None of the stuff that you are saying is important would matter. You love me and I love you.. so everything is fine. Right?”

Wrong. Her version of the same situation would go something like this.

“I love him and I feel disconnected to him. He doesn’t want to spend time talking, walking, sharing emotions, (fill in the blank), therefore I need to get to the bottom of what is going on with him. I love him and I want to feel connected to him. So I will talk about the walk, conversation, event (fill in the blank) and fight with him to get an understanding.”

Women fight to keep connection, to have understanding and to be understood. Repeat this three times over if you are a man.

For a man this is a funny concept at best and a worrisome one at worst. Here is why It is so tough for us to understand female logic here. It is tough for us to see the connection between going to the hardware store together to pick up the screws we need to finish the deck with her desire for connection and understanding.  Yet, to a woman, a trip to the hardware store means more than simply an errand, because she has connected “the trip” to more things. For example, she might want to get her man’s opinion on the purchase of deck chairs that are at the hardware store. She has connected the trip to the hardware store to further approval of the purchase of the chairs for the deck. So when you want to go without her to the hardware store because the football game is on later that evening and she is not back from an errand, she may be a bit fussy about it. For her, your desire to go without her for the sake of efficiency creates disconnection on many levels that men don’t always see. As a man, you may be left wondering what all the fuss is about.

Just remember, unless a woman has a fear of intimacy, she will fight with a man to keep connection and establish mutual understanding. She might communicate this by saying, “I just want you to know….” “I want to be heard on this matter” or ‘I don’t feel heard.”

What should you do with a woman who loves you so much she is willing to fight with you, just to have more of you? Here are six easy steps to remember when your fight is about staying connected and being understood.

Step 1. Remember she wants to feel connected to you and understood by you, no matter how cold, sad, or angry she gets over any situation. Just reminding yourself of this perspective can help you accomplish steps 2-6 better.

Step 2. Speak from your emotions. Don’t simply go over the facts of what happened or what you want to see happen. Explain why you want it emotionally. Here is an example for the emotionally challenged.

“I want to go to the hardware store sooner, rather than later, because watching the football game makes me feel happy and contented with my life. Watching the football game is a little moment of peace and I get to feel that here in the house.”  Women reading this are smiling right now. This type of statement can get you very far with a woman who loves you.

Step 3. Tone it down. When we get upset, fearful, or angry, our vocal tone changes.  As men, when we don’t understand something or feel we are being challenged, our tone becomes harsh and stern. The saying “it’s not what you say it’s how you say it” is scientifically true.  Studies have shown only 7 % of what we say is actually registering in any given conversation. Yep, so often the words don’t ever matter.  55% of the listener’s attention when hearing any communication is focused on the non-verbal cues of the speaker and a whopping 35% of all communication that is registered in the listener is the speaker’s tone! So you can be saying, “I want to have some ice cream” and the tone can be signaling “Leave me alone. I don’t want to be around you”.  Pay a lot of attention to tone.

Step 4.  Stay in the present with your argument. Keep to the issue of the toilet seat on the day the toilet seat is up, and not on the toilet seat mishap from yesterday or even tomorrow’s potential toilet seat issues. Just as importantly, no matter how complicated the issue is, stay as best you can in the present moment with your emotions and feelings.

Step 5. Stay in contact, literally. Connection can keep an argument contained. Resist the urge to pull away. A relationship is a full-contact sport. Keep yourself open in heart as well as in mind.

Step 6.  Stay engaged. Resist the urge to check out as she emotes at you. Stay fully present. A good way to remain conscious through the barrage of female intensity is to remember Step 1, then engage intensely in your own way. Don’t dwell on details or issues; instead fight for connection and understanding. Do not let her pull away or go into a shell.  If you get angry, do so around threats to maintaining a strong connection to her. Let her know when you think she is not being fully engaged or is retreating. She will find this side of you a complete turn-on.

Happy fighting, ahem, I mean loving.

I teach men how to get out of their heads and into their hearts, this makes life more exciting and more rewarding, and it makes you more desirable to women.  Want a free consultation?

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An interesting thing for men to notice is this: to the degree that your mental boxes overlap, you feel messy and out of control.  It is at this edge of mental mess that you have the greatest opportunity for connection to a woman.

Here is how it works. When you put a woman into a mental check box, she will wonder if you can even see her for who she really is, or worse she will question if you can see her as a complete human being. To a woman the mental check box you use for work, leisure and everything else in life including the mental picture that is held for the “ideal” woman, feels limiting.

When a woman feels that we are more infatuated with the “idea”  of her than the flesh and blood of her she feels “unmet” and that a greater part of her true beauty and personality is undiscovered by you.  It is tough as a man to recognize when we are in love with the idea of relationship instead of the woman we are relating to. If you have ever heard these words “ you don’t even know me” or “you don’t really see me for who I am” she is expressing a complaint that you are not truly seeing her. You may be stuck in a mental image of her and not relating to her in a heart connection. She is also telling you that there are unexpressed parts of herself that she wishes to express but can’t because she feels unmet in the relationship.  This can cause friction in a relationship.

In order to be your “ideal” woman she has to play a role that has very little room for her cultivate her deeper parts, leaving her interior life to “die on the vine” as she tries to match the “ideal” mental picture you have about her. Look, a woman wants the space to explore who she can be with you. Being in your head about the relationship is a hindrance to really connecting at a heart level with her.  And it is this deeper heart level connection that allows you to really get to fully know a woman.

So the first thing to do is to drop the mental picture and get in touch with what you feel about the woman you are relating to.

Secondly, see every women you relate to as a complete and unique set of personality traits. Remember she has a personality and preferences that you both are learning to interact with. Be curious about who she really is.

Thirdly, leave space in your mind for curious exploration of who she is. She is also curious about who she can be in relation to you as a man.  Remember, a woman will be crazy for a man who can reflect back to her more than she every expected to see in herself.

Fourthly, stay in the present moment and never fixate on how things were done the last time you were with that woman. People change moment by moment; let your heart guide you and not your head. It will be more messy but also more rewarding.

Allowing a woman to feel your willingness to connect with every incarnation of her personality and with every side of her emotional life will enable her to trust you in a deeper way.  Trust will make your relationship much richer, rewarding and more gratifying on all levels. It enables parts of a woman that have been shy and hiding to come out and play with you in ways that are exciting and new for you both!

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The Truth Is We Lie

September 17, 2013 — Leave a comment

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

The truth is that we lie.  As men we typically operate out of integrity. This sounds harsh and it is, but someone has to call a spade a spade. Someone has to free us from the disconnection to each other and ourselves. I am speaking now because I don’t hear the truth espoused anywhere. Why is it so easy for us to live in disconnection?  Because the majority of the messages we receive as men perpetuate a lie. What is this lie? That the world, society, our families can not afford to have us live life as real men.

And so we hide ourselves from the world, society, our families and ourselves.  We hang our authentic selves on a rack like a winter coat, only to be used on especially cold nights. We accept the idea that our true masculine selves are too hard, too intense, too sensitive, too strong and too unpredictable to be a part of the “normal” reality we live in. We shut ourselves down, dissipate our power and disassociate from others to protect our fragile male egos. And there lies the truth.

Some egos are more fragile than others, so they tend to dominate, to push for control, but this is all a form of self-protection. The hard exterior of an alpha male or a type A personality or a cynic, belies the soft gooey middle that is in such need of nourishment, love and connection. Another extreme is the checked out male and the “nice guy” both of whom live in a cesspool of anger and resentment, smiling like a crocodile and stuffing his true feelings about everything so far down that his feelings can no longer be felt by anyone, even himself.

Fortunately the vast majority of us, live in the broad bland space in between the two extremes above.  Yet, in my practice as a life coach I find that men in the broad expanse are more prone to lie to themselves and others in 3 main areas of life.

The need to connect deeply with other men

As men we set ourselves apart from the connection of other males in society.  At best we have our cliché, our small group that supports us in our isolation. We operate as rogue states, protecting our boundaries from other rouge states. Unless we work in a job that routinely puts people from varied backgrounds together for a purpose, like a sports team, or the military, men rarely get the opportunity to feel exactly what they feel about another male (be it dislike, envy, jealousy, irritation, or disapproval) and have the need to stay in connection.

Women, on the other hand, do this all the time. They feel an emotion about another woman, whether positive or negative and they manage to remain connected. Men see connection as approval.  And approval of our negative emotions or even worse approval of a man we feel a jealousy towards is forbidden in the disconnected code of male behavior.  The real truth is that when we connect to another person we like or dislike, what is really being approved of are our own emotions.

That we desire intimacy even more than women.

Ask any sex worker, we want to connect deeply to another human, sex is about more than just sex. Most sex workers spend very little time engaged in actual sex. Men tend to pay for sex as a way to connect with a women. Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and noted author, has found in her research that men fall in love faster than women almost twice as fast. She also notes that men go into new relationships faster than women and men live longer lives within in a committed relationship.

We also have deep concerns about our adequacy in the area of sex. We over compensate and hide our discomfort of relating with a woman’s desire for connected sex.  It makes sense, our anatomy makes it obvious when we are not feeling sexual. We can’t hide at the moment of passion when our cocks are flaccid, so we hide in the many moments outside of the bedroom when we check out mentally, our we pour ourselves into our work.  A more radical check out is to play so hard in life that we make ourselves unavailable for meaningful connection.

“I feel bored once the chase is over” is something that men relate to me in my coaching practice. Often boredom after the “chase” is over is a man’s unwillingness to play a deeper game in relationship to a woman.   So inherent in the “i feel bored…” comment is a lie about our level of connection. The un-spoken communication is that “I want to check out on the opportunity to go deeper by creating the next opportunity to chase next woman, play the next game, pick up the next woman.

Whatever the method, we short change ourselves and others by not facing our emotions around our desires for intimacy. We stay on a superficial level refusing to get in touch with ourselves so that we can communicate what we need in each moment.  Let me just state for the record, the heart of a woman, when open to a man, is as vast as the diversity in the ocean. And like marine life, fascinating, awe-inspiring and frightening. So dive in.

We lie to ourselves as we hide behind appropriateness. 

At a deep level we convince ourselves we are something we are not. The beings that know what justice is, know what it is to have empathy and understand that love is more than peaceful politically correct feelings, often takes a back seat to a person, who is trying to play small, keep his head down and go unnoticed and just get through the day.

In relationships appropriateness denies our loved ones with our clarity, our tough love, our decisiveness and our passion. We let loved ones live in disconnection with us, tuning them out so that we don’t feel the emotions that our the source of our disconnection.

Truth is integrity and integrity is a two-step process. Step one is knowing what do and step two is doing it.  If you know what to do to maintain integrity and refuse to do it, you are no longer in integrity. If you live life pretending that you don’t know what the next right step is, you are also out of integrity.

So I am asking all men to live in the truth and let’s stop living our little lies.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

The first romantic getaway with your new date will be perfect if you remember these 7 tips for making any getaway a pleasurable one.

Taking that first overnight trip with your new date can be disastrous if you don’t  use these seven tips to make the trip remarkable. To a woman the first getaway is an opportunity to see if the relationship has any real staying power.   If you fail to employ these 7 tips in this phase of your relationship, it be could be fatal to the relationship.

Here are seven things you want to remember about the first out-of-town getaway.

1. How you treat others says everything about how you will treat her.

This may sound ominous and over exaggerated but it’s not. When you head out-of-town with that perfect woman, she is watching everything you do and say to the people you come in contact with and comparing it with everything you did and said in the past, and with her ideals about relationship.

How did you treat the concierge at the front desk? or that snarky waitress at dinner?  She is watching to see how you will respond to the customer service rep at the airport. She wants to see if it is safe for her to show more vulnerable aspects of her personality  to you.

Despite how well you think you know her, there are things, at this stage of the relationship, that haven’t even been spoken between you two. At this stage she wants to feel safety in your presence. She is looking for the degree of openness you have so that she can share herself with you more.

The Take Away:

Be yourself and keep part of your focus on her even when you are interacting with another. So if the bartender skips over you for the tenth time, remember in that moment she cares more about connecting with you while at the bar than being ignored by the bartender. Just keep engaging with her until the bartender comes around.

2. Let her feel your excitement… for anything.

Whether you are type A or less than type A, find something on the overnight trip to get you really excited that is not work related or (pay attention to me here) sex related.  Remember she is watching everything and  is judging your reactions for their potential to make her feel safe enough to be more vulnerable and real with you.

She wants to feel your genuine feelings of joy and your real enthusiasm for anything other than work or sex.  She needs to know your capacity to be happy, and she is measuring your capacity against her own for long-term compatibility.

The Take away:

Here is a tip if you are under 40.  Do you recall the joy and enthusiasm you had about your first Nintendo Gameboy? Well go Nintendo wild about any topic, let that good feeling take over you, and share it with her. She will give you all of that joy back 10 fold.

3. Say “No Thank You”.

We have a tendency to want to give people everything early in the relationship, even at the expense of our own needs and wants. On this getaway let her feel your “no”. When you are not a full enthusiastic yes, clear your throat and say “no thank you”.  It is a kind thing to do. Remember to give her an idea of something you would rather do instead.

Gentlemen this is harder than it seems, but showing her you have a spine and that you are a man who knows what he doesn’t want, will go a long way for building the trust and safety she is craving.

The Take Away:

When you feel a little resistant to anything on the trip, let her know the minute you feel it, but leave room to negotiate an outcome that meets your needs and hers.  A phrase as simple as “ I am not feeling ( fill in the blank) at the moment,  I would prefer to do ( fill in the blank), how would you feel about doing that” will go a long way.  SImple? Yes!  Easy, No!

4. Do all the planning for one of your excursions.

So whether you are going to a dance club,  a sight-seeing excursion or staying in the hotel for a movie and room service that night, take some time and thought to completely handle some aspect of your entertainment while on your getaway.

Remember, her primary motivation is for the success of the trip. When you handle the planning for some aspect of the trip she can relax knowing that you are doing something entirely for your own pleasure.  The knowledge that you are acting make something fun happen for the two of you is a real turn on for her.  This tip will win you many brownie points.

The Take Away:

To find the best local hangouts speak with the hotel concierge or review yelp. If you arrive at your getaway destination via plane, get an area guide at the airport.  Google is a great way prep for any excursion. The key is planning, so make a good plan for dinner and have a back up just in case the menu doesn’t agree. Your thoughtfulness and preparedness will go along way towards allowing her to relax and enjoy you.

5. Recharge when you need time to yourself.

While you are practicing an authentic “no”, also practice saying “yes” to taking time for yourself on your getaway.  Everyone needs, time alone to recalibrate and she may too. Give her permission to attend to her own needs, by getting permission to attend to your own needs. Taking time and space to read, hot tub, sit alone, phone a friend or veg in front of a television are necessary to the proper care and functioning of a man.  So don’t neglect the time you need

The Take Away:

Take a few minutes everyday to let your mind dwell on nothing at all, but only after you incorporate tip #4.

6. Share something vulnerable.

This is the perfect opportunity to get in touch with yourself and share your insights with her.  By now you are well on your way to having more intimacy and a closer relationship than ever before. Take a moment and share some aspect of your life.  Sharing your fears, dreams, longings, the  little hurts that we all feel from time to time over her a glimpse of you. There is also a chance for connection when you come with complete transparency.

The take away:

Do an internal gut check here, if what you have to say doesn’t make you swallow hard just thinking about saying it, then you need to go deeper. When you feel that pit in your stomach, you know you are in the right spot.

7. Keep your sense humor

Humor is a great tension reliever. In fact studies show that a man who can make a woman laugh makes her feel cared for supported. Laughter produces a feeling of security in women. Laughter releases endorphins and endorphins produce the chemical cocktails that leads to sexual arousal. Funny guys have all the fun.

The take away:

There is a difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone else’s expense. This is a very important distinction.  Laughing as the pepper dispenser opens into the plate of food she has just ordered in the restaurant… not cool. Laughing at the white sunscreen that spatters her face like an indian warrior – funny.  The former may cause tension, the later will cause connection.

Following these seven tips will make your next getaway more pleasurable and more satisfying for you both.

Bon Voyage!