Archives For On Love and intimacy

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

Often, those whom I coach become my friends; this makes sense since a friend always has your best interest at heart. The coaching relationship can become intense when I see my client engaging in behavior that is extremely detrimental to his relationship goals. At these times my client can’t see how his behavior is killing his relationships. This is certainly true with obvious reckless behavior like drugs and alcohol, but it is just as true with a chronic male behavior of being too nice and accommodating to everyone.

Mr. Nice Guy often ignores his own best wishes and desires to win the approval of other people in his life. And while everyone wants to be liked, the Nice Guys need to be liked and have the approval of others.

According to Dr Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, the nice guy has formed a mental map and paradigm of life to create a “smooth happy life”.  They go out of their way to cover up feelings of inadequacy they felt as children. Being nice is a coping mechanism, a sort of mask worn to keep people from seeing all of the Nice Guy’s “internal toxic shame”. The Nice Guy is trying to survive a world of uncertainty by being nice to create love for himself. It often fails in relationships. Here is why.

Many women are accepting of this type of behavior until they really like a guy. At that point, a woman wants more than sensitivity from a man; she wants a man who can energetically hold all of her emotions, outbursts, and inconsistencies, and the torrent of feelings that she is constantly trying to manage. She wants a man who can see all of her without running away or mentally checking out.

From the Nice Guy’s perspective, her energy can feel like drama and intensity. He either wants to run or placate her emotional energy. He sees an upset woman as someone he needs to protect; he doesn’t really care if this is what is really needed for her growth. In his mind, a woman who is upset simply wants more kindness and placation and he simply wants her emotions to go away. He wants to stop her upset and feel like he is approved and loved again and to gain this approval he will violates his own person to placate her. Women quickly tire of this behavior.

The idea is to get her into a happy state as quickly as possible.  Frustration, anger, sadness, and discontent are all emotions that can threaten the “smooth” life of the nice guy. And while it is valid and true that women want to move quickly through their emotional blocks and barriers, it is also true that a woman wants an emotionally strong man to be a holder and supporter of her emotions.  She wants a man with some grit who will be honest with her and both tender and strong.  

Hence the problem for Mr. Nice Guy in relationships: he is less interested in her expression, expansion or emotional development that he is in his own peace and stability within the relationship. Women easily recognize this limitation when it occurs in a man and routinely opt to play small and demure around a man she feels can’t handle her. Women choose to bottle up parts of themselves, incrementally letting their full personality out. Then once it is clear that Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t care about her concerns but only with pacifying them, she will lose interest and Mr. Nice Guy will try even harder and resent women even more. Until neither she nor he can stand the situation.

To be a man that women find utterly irresistible, be a man who can own his own desires, his own passions, and his own dark side as well as his gentlemanly side. Be authentic. Drop the desire to impress, be approved of, or feel validated as a human being by your partner. It is great when it happens, but stop being Mr. Nice Guy and trading “niceness” for love and approval. Get in touch with your own emotions, passions and desires and learn to express those, even when they are in opposition to your partner. She wants to know your truth!  She wants to feel like she can bring here entire emotional life to the relationship. So stop being so damn nice! She wants to know you can handle all of her emotional sides.

February, 2, 2014

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A couple is fighting about perceived slights from one another, none of what they are saying to each other is landed with the other partner. They wish to be real, authentic, deep and introspective in a relationship with one another, but this only works when each parter can speak only for their emotions, thoughts and feelings.
Making comments or decisions about the feelings, intentions and desires of your partner is simply assumptive thinking. Assumptive thinking allows the person making the assumptions to continue to live out the deep insecurities within themselves without ever facing the reality of their partner in the present moment and the party operating in assumptions doesn’t give themselves the chance to grow by examining the fear that is running them.

Coach George

http://www.georgestreeter.com/rekindlecoaching.com.html

monogamy love

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

This is part of a letter to a person I consider a close friend. Her struggle with the idea of giving up her freedom (to act on her own desires unchecked) to follow a stronger desire for “deeper love and intimacy” in relationship, she has been the catalyst for me to write this article.

I am a relationship coach, so I see the benefit in any number of relationship styles, from conscious single-hood to poly marital arrangements, I can see the pros and cons for every relationship option. Just remember, no matter what your preferences are every relationship style has its own set of limitations.

Every relationship structure has its pros and cons.  No matter what relationship structure you choose there is always a certain amount of hand wringing and gut wrenching that is necessary for love and acceptance to exist between two people.  We are not born with the ability to see and accept all of our partners flaws and short comings.  We learn to do this through the struggle of the relationship.  It seems that no matter how loving, romantic, and drama- less the union is, at some point, for the relationship to become a “romance of a life time” it has to take each participant through the crucible. The crucible is the “fire” needed to heat ones system up so hot that your individual quirks and selfishness can surface and be melted away. The crucible makes you lovable under the pressure of relating.

Often a fascination with finding just the right person, who has just the right background and education, with just the right interests and hobbies becomes an effort to dampen the fire of the crucible so that you won’t have the differences that causes personalities to grow.  Our Mr. and Ms Right syndrome (our rigid preferences) are just a way to cool the fire of the crucible so that no growth or change is possible within the relationship. This we euphemistically term as a relationship with no passion.

So with growth as the guide, I want to take a moment to share some positive thoughts on the topic of monogamy.

To make monogamy work, seek to understand the limitations of monogamy and get in loving agreement with your own motivations for desiring those particular limitations in your life.  In other words, every relationship model has a few fatal flaws and the idea is to pick the poison that offers you the greatest opportunity for sustainable survival.

What is the poison of Monogamy? In every relationship structure you are making a deal with the devil when you enter it, so make sure you are not promising your first-born.  To enter into monogamy successfully know what you are giving up and know for how long you are giving it up for. This will keep you from waking up one day and going to the grocery store and never coming back home again.

The most apparent thing one trades when choosing monogamy is sex with others, however, there are other things people barter with when choosing monogamy.  Here is a short list:  financial autonomy, scheduling freedom (coming and going without checking in), dating freedom (platonic or otherwise), flirting ( following attractions impulses), thought autonomy (who you think about), spacial freedom (what you do with your time and where you spend it).

Understand that sometimes the demands of monogamy changes where you live, how you live, where you work and with whom you socialize. You consciously or unconsciously, trade these little freedoms as you build a partnership of committed love.

Now that you are clear on the type of poison a monogamy relationship can be for you, here are some of the benefits that are most often associated with pair bonding in monogamy.

Monogamy allows for deep, deep connection with a single person. 

Unlike open relationships there are just a few main characters in your relationship. Typically there is your partner, you, your work, his/her work and the kids to think, talk and worry about. Sure there are social concerns, and extended family but these concerns often revolve around work and family.  Monogamy as a structure is optimal for getting to know one another on a deep level. The distraction of other relationships are not present and so there is a natural tendency to focus on one another.

This implies of course that you both are still working on your own personal growth. Monogamy, more than any other relationship structure demands continued self exploration from each partner. Without it monogamy can get boring real fast. And no matter how many social events, dinner’s out or family vacations you have, you still end up looking each other in the face without knowing what to say to one another.

Monogamy allows you to be completely uninhibited sexually. 

Connected uninhibited sex is available in monogamy provided you are able to connect on a deep level ( i.e. continue your own personal growth journey so you have something deep to share).

Despite commonly held beliefs,  being in a more open relationship model, means that you must take more thought and care for all of the physical and emotional needs of your partners. This type of care by its nature is more responsible and less uninhibited.  Important note:  cheating or being deceptive with your liaisons is also by nature less uninhibited.

The uninhibited nature of sex is the main reason why women shelve their desires for variety to have a single partner who can be adequate in bed. The idea is that one man will learn all of her spots and she can safely surrender to him. Interestingly, most of the reasons given for monogamy are for the feeling of safety and security and not the potential for erotic growth that is present with a single partner.

Most are unaware of sexual growth as a motivation and instead focus on ethical, moral or health concerns as the deeper motivation. Deep down she knows that her own sex is like a minefield and is unknown territory even to herself. So the navigation of her own sex feels safer with a single known person… her man.

Monogamy offers the best possible opportunity to curb the distracting force of desire.

Desires can distract us from friends, family and financial concerns.  Passionate relationships feel good, they often feel better than working or focussing on the concerns we have around our day-to-day life.  Which would you rather do? have a hot make out at lunch or read the company email? Our desires can distract us, whether it is within our imagination or in our reality, desires pull us out of our habitual patterns of being and offer us an opportunity to lose ourselves. However, it is this lost feeling that makes us feel so threatened by our own desires and the desires of others.

Monogamy is a natural buffer between our spiritual selves and our desires. The relationship/or partner curbs our urges and impulses. This does not mean that we act like wild dogs when we are in open relationships, but the natural delay of desire in an open relationship is replaced with the natural death of desire that is required in successful monogamy. Don’t believe that?  Then ask yourself is it ok for your partner to fantasize about your best friend on their lunch break? That type of infidelity is typically a no- no in a closed relationship.

Being disciplined in our imagination and thoughts has a benefit.  A person who has restricted his imagination is less free in his thoughts but finds himself more free in his actions. Killing desire frees the mind to think about the concerns of a relationship or of the state of the body and finances.

To a distracted personality, the discipline of monogamy can be like a god-send, and act as a sure-fire way to cultivate new hobbies, interests and skills.

The point here is to enter into and out of relationships with an understanding of who you are and what you want. And to accept and make room for the obvious pit falls of any relationship structure you choose. Just make sure you have an open, honest dialogue to agree on what that your relationship looks like.

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Overt and frequent communication around sex is the only way to ensure you are getting the truth about how good you are in bed.  When I ask men the question, “How do you know if you are pleasing to a woman in bed?” I often get the same nervous defensive answer from them, “Well she hasn’t told me I am doing anything wrong.” I reply, “Has she told you that you were doing anything well?” a question to which I usually receive silence.

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As I teach men and women how to reach their erotic potential in my seminars (click here for more information), a class will often come to a screeching halt as I reveal the truth around sex and communication in a typical relationship.

The truth is this: Women don’t tell us the truth about what they want more of, what they don’t want any more of, or what they feel needs to be improved in sex, because they fear bruising your ego.

As I lead the discussion, woman after woman confesses that she doesn’t make requests in bed or ask for something different from her lover because she is:

Concerned you will get angry

Concerned she will hurt you

Concerned your ego will be bruised

Concerned your cock will not get hard

Women would rather endure your unskillful touch than tell you the truth. This is because you haven’t given her overt permission to tell you the truth in bed. If you want to create an atmosphere where your sex life can be truly hot, raunchy, and uninhibited, then create intimacy with honest dialogue around the topic of sex.

Here is how to make your sex life uninhibited and super hot:

1. Give her permission to tell you what she likes in sex.

Women are afraid to hurt your ego, so they will often change the subject or avoid answering directly when you ask the question, “How is our sex life?” so don’t ask. Before your next hot make-out, give her permission to speak frankly, openly, and honestly about every aspect of your sex life.

2. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.

Talking about sex is something women love to do! Give them an opportunity to say their thoughts around the subject. Women are conditioned to believe that sex talk with a man must necessarily lead to sex. Talking about sex in a situation where an innocent conversation remains a conversation.

3. Don’t get angry or hurt.

If you do, it will reinforce her fear that telling you the truth about your sexual ability will alter the relationship for the worse and she will never tell you the complete truth. She will need to be coaxed into delivering the awful, awful thoughts that will bring her into greater ecstasy. And believe me, the idea of bruising your sexy animal is a far greater fear than unsatisfying sex. 

4 Be playful around sex.

The more light-hearted you are around the issue of sex, the more sexual confidence you exude and the more space you create for her to be honest with you on the topic. Remember, you are creating an atmosphere of honesty so that you can have a hotter more connected sex life. What is so serious about that? Stay playful.

5 Tell her your hurts, before they become resentments.

Let her know what you like and don’t like as well. This will relax her in bed. She can feel your emotions even if you don’t tell her what you are thinking. Speak what you are feeling, because if you don’t she will think your withhold is about her and feel self-conscious with you. Being self-conscious is the opposite of being uninhibited.

Be the 1 of 100 men to do these tips and see how quickly your sex life moves from mediocre to marvelous.

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Every man has heard the following from a woman he has been in a significant relationship with:  “I am fighting with you because I love you”. If not those exact words, some version of that. To a man, the above statement is an oxymoron. It doesn’t compute. What does she mean when she says this? Who knows, but the male translation of her logic goes something like this:

“You are fighting me because you are hyper-emotional. If you love me, then there would be no fights between us. None of the stuff that you are saying is important would matter. You love me and I love you.. so everything is fine. Right?”

Wrong. Her version of the same situation would go something like this.

“I love him and I feel disconnected to him. He doesn’t want to spend time talking, walking, sharing emotions, (fill in the blank), therefore I need to get to the bottom of what is going on with him. I love him and I want to feel connected to him. So I will talk about the walk, conversation, event (fill in the blank) and fight with him to get an understanding.”

Women fight to keep connection, to have understanding and to be understood. Repeat this three times over if you are a man.

For a man this is a funny concept at best and a worrisome one at worst. Here is why It is so tough for us to understand female logic here. It is tough for us to see the connection between going to the hardware store together to pick up the screws we need to finish the deck with her desire for connection and understanding.  Yet, to a woman, a trip to the hardware store means more than simply an errand, because she has connected “the trip” to more things. For example, she might want to get her man’s opinion on the purchase of deck chairs that are at the hardware store. She has connected the trip to the hardware store to further approval of the purchase of the chairs for the deck. So when you want to go without her to the hardware store because the football game is on later that evening and she is not back from an errand, she may be a bit fussy about it. For her, your desire to go without her for the sake of efficiency creates disconnection on many levels that men don’t always see. As a man, you may be left wondering what all the fuss is about.

Just remember, unless a woman has a fear of intimacy, she will fight with a man to keep connection and establish mutual understanding. She might communicate this by saying, “I just want you to know….” “I want to be heard on this matter” or ‘I don’t feel heard.”

What should you do with a woman who loves you so much she is willing to fight with you, just to have more of you? Here are six easy steps to remember when your fight is about staying connected and being understood.

Step 1. Remember she wants to feel connected to you and understood by you, no matter how cold, sad, or angry she gets over any situation. Just reminding yourself of this perspective can help you accomplish steps 2-6 better.

Step 2. Speak from your emotions. Don’t simply go over the facts of what happened or what you want to see happen. Explain why you want it emotionally. Here is an example for the emotionally challenged.

“I want to go to the hardware store sooner, rather than later, because watching the football game makes me feel happy and contented with my life. Watching the football game is a little moment of peace and I get to feel that here in the house.”  Women reading this are smiling right now. This type of statement can get you very far with a woman who loves you.

Step 3. Tone it down. When we get upset, fearful, or angry, our vocal tone changes.  As men, when we don’t understand something or feel we are being challenged, our tone becomes harsh and stern. The saying “it’s not what you say it’s how you say it” is scientifically true.  Studies have shown only 7 % of what we say is actually registering in any given conversation. Yep, so often the words don’t ever matter.  55% of the listener’s attention when hearing any communication is focused on the non-verbal cues of the speaker and a whopping 35% of all communication that is registered in the listener is the speaker’s tone! So you can be saying, “I want to have some ice cream” and the tone can be signaling “Leave me alone. I don’t want to be around you”.  Pay a lot of attention to tone.

Step 4.  Stay in the present with your argument. Keep to the issue of the toilet seat on the day the toilet seat is up, and not on the toilet seat mishap from yesterday or even tomorrow’s potential toilet seat issues. Just as importantly, no matter how complicated the issue is, stay as best you can in the present moment with your emotions and feelings.

Step 5. Stay in contact, literally. Connection can keep an argument contained. Resist the urge to pull away. A relationship is a full-contact sport. Keep yourself open in heart as well as in mind.

Step 6.  Stay engaged. Resist the urge to check out as she emotes at you. Stay fully present. A good way to remain conscious through the barrage of female intensity is to remember Step 1, then engage intensely in your own way. Don’t dwell on details or issues; instead fight for connection and understanding. Do not let her pull away or go into a shell.  If you get angry, do so around threats to maintaining a strong connection to her. Let her know when you think she is not being fully engaged or is retreating. She will find this side of you a complete turn-on.

Happy fighting, ahem, I mean loving.

I teach men how to get out of their heads and into their hearts, this makes life more exciting and more rewarding, and it makes you more desirable to women.  Want a free consultation?

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An interesting thing for men to notice is this: to the degree that your mental boxes overlap, you feel messy and out of control.  It is at this edge of mental mess that you have the greatest opportunity for connection to a woman.

Here is how it works. When you put a woman into a mental check box, she will wonder if you can even see her for who she really is, or worse she will question if you can see her as a complete human being. To a woman the mental check box you use for work, leisure and everything else in life including the mental picture that is held for the “ideal” woman, feels limiting.

When a woman feels that we are more infatuated with the “idea”  of her than the flesh and blood of her she feels “unmet” and that a greater part of her true beauty and personality is undiscovered by you.  It is tough as a man to recognize when we are in love with the idea of relationship instead of the woman we are relating to. If you have ever heard these words “ you don’t even know me” or “you don’t really see me for who I am” she is expressing a complaint that you are not truly seeing her. You may be stuck in a mental image of her and not relating to her in a heart connection. She is also telling you that there are unexpressed parts of herself that she wishes to express but can’t because she feels unmet in the relationship.  This can cause friction in a relationship.

In order to be your “ideal” woman she has to play a role that has very little room for her cultivate her deeper parts, leaving her interior life to “die on the vine” as she tries to match the “ideal” mental picture you have about her. Look, a woman wants the space to explore who she can be with you. Being in your head about the relationship is a hindrance to really connecting at a heart level with her.  And it is this deeper heart level connection that allows you to really get to fully know a woman.

So the first thing to do is to drop the mental picture and get in touch with what you feel about the woman you are relating to.

Secondly, see every women you relate to as a complete and unique set of personality traits. Remember she has a personality and preferences that you both are learning to interact with. Be curious about who she really is.

Thirdly, leave space in your mind for curious exploration of who she is. She is also curious about who she can be in relation to you as a man.  Remember, a woman will be crazy for a man who can reflect back to her more than she every expected to see in herself.

Fourthly, stay in the present moment and never fixate on how things were done the last time you were with that woman. People change moment by moment; let your heart guide you and not your head. It will be more messy but also more rewarding.

Allowing a woman to feel your willingness to connect with every incarnation of her personality and with every side of her emotional life will enable her to trust you in a deeper way.  Trust will make your relationship much richer, rewarding and more gratifying on all levels. It enables parts of a woman that have been shy and hiding to come out and play with you in ways that are exciting and new for you both!

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

What is desire? Philosophers have been debating the question since antiquity.  It is defined as “ to strongly wish for or want something” . The word has synonyms like: crave, yearn, covet, long, lust, will or wish.  And yet none of the synonyms alone adequately describe the feeling a woman has when you express the true nature of  your desire for her in a way that makes her feminine heart flutter.

For a woman, that feeling of being desired is more encompassing than lust, more gracious than coveting, more nourishing than yearning, more solid that wishing and less expectant that willing.  The words used to define desire seem to have the object of our desire in a less than connected relationship to the one desiring. Obviously this is not your goal or hers.

In romance desire can be seen as the will to devour and consume one’s beloved with the grace to suffer the yearning of wanting indefinitely.  It means feeling the hunger to devour and consume and living in that feeling in a gracious spacious manner. To a woman this is a total turn on. To a man this is as hard as doing… handstand scorpion yoga pose. Not sure what I am talking about… check it out then.

Nicole Daedone, founder and leader of Onetaste, which practices and teaches Orgasmic Meditation, says that the feeling of both having and wanting ( true desire) comes from being full on orgasm and living life in flow.  Orgasm being your life force sexual energy and flow being well flow.  The formula looks something like this :

Desire + Flow(grace) = a full orgasm.

Being full on orgasm keeps ones desire from feeling like hunger. See my blog post on Hunger vs Desire Part 1.

To simplify, hunger and desire differ in expectation. Desire is all the hunger without the nasty agitated, goal oriented maneuvering that she feels as “yucky” in her body. Desire allows sexual tension to build organically, and it radiates a sense of contentment enjoying every excruciating movement of longing for her. Longing that is free of resentment. Get it? Got it… Good!

Desire plays with and feeds off of anticipation. Spoken desire mixed with anticipation is a pleasantly lethal combination that women find hard to resist. This is called building desire and it is key to a woman’s happiness and her feelings of being sexy and desired by you.

The longer and more familiar your relationship with a woman is, the more you will need to work on building desire through anticipation.

Here are a few tips to build desire:

  • Tell her something you are grateful for about her.
  • Thank her for being in your life.
  • Show her an appreciation.
  • Offer to do something nice, to contribute without her asking.
  • Buy a small gift for no reason at all.

And most importantly…

Tell her when you desire her sexually the moment you feel it… and do nothing else but allow her to bask your feelings for her.  Wait in your desire and she will find you irresistible.