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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

Often, those whom I coach become my friends; this makes sense since a friend always has your best interest at heart. The coaching relationship can become intense when I see my client engaging in behavior that is extremely detrimental to his relationship goals. At these times my client can’t see how his behavior is killing his relationships. This is certainly true with obvious reckless behavior like drugs and alcohol, but it is just as true with a chronic male behavior of being too nice and accommodating to everyone.

Mr. Nice Guy often ignores his own best wishes and desires to win the approval of other people in his life. And while everyone wants to be liked, the Nice Guys need to be liked and have the approval of others.

According to Dr Robert Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy, the nice guy has formed a mental map and paradigm of life to create a “smooth happy life”.  They go out of their way to cover up feelings of inadequacy they felt as children. Being nice is a coping mechanism, a sort of mask worn to keep people from seeing all of the Nice Guy’s “internal toxic shame”. The Nice Guy is trying to survive a world of uncertainty by being nice to create love for himself. It often fails in relationships. Here is why.

Many women are accepting of this type of behavior until they really like a guy. At that point, a woman wants more than sensitivity from a man; she wants a man who can energetically hold all of her emotions, outbursts, and inconsistencies, and the torrent of feelings that she is constantly trying to manage. She wants a man who can see all of her without running away or mentally checking out.

From the Nice Guy’s perspective, her energy can feel like drama and intensity. He either wants to run or placate her emotional energy. He sees an upset woman as someone he needs to protect; he doesn’t really care if this is what is really needed for her growth. In his mind, a woman who is upset simply wants more kindness and placation and he simply wants her emotions to go away. He wants to stop her upset and feel like he is approved and loved again and to gain this approval he will violates his own person to placate her. Women quickly tire of this behavior.

The idea is to get her into a happy state as quickly as possible.  Frustration, anger, sadness, and discontent are all emotions that can threaten the “smooth” life of the nice guy. And while it is valid and true that women want to move quickly through their emotional blocks and barriers, it is also true that a woman wants an emotionally strong man to be a holder and supporter of her emotions.  She wants a man with some grit who will be honest with her and both tender and strong.  

Hence the problem for Mr. Nice Guy in relationships: he is less interested in her expression, expansion or emotional development that he is in his own peace and stability within the relationship. Women easily recognize this limitation when it occurs in a man and routinely opt to play small and demure around a man she feels can’t handle her. Women choose to bottle up parts of themselves, incrementally letting their full personality out. Then once it is clear that Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t care about her concerns but only with pacifying them, she will lose interest and Mr. Nice Guy will try even harder and resent women even more. Until neither she nor he can stand the situation.

To be a man that women find utterly irresistible, be a man who can own his own desires, his own passions, and his own dark side as well as his gentlemanly side. Be authentic. Drop the desire to impress, be approved of, or feel validated as a human being by your partner. It is great when it happens, but stop being Mr. Nice Guy and trading “niceness” for love and approval. Get in touch with your own emotions, passions and desires and learn to express those, even when they are in opposition to your partner. She wants to know your truth!  She wants to feel like she can bring here entire emotional life to the relationship. So stop being so damn nice! She wants to know you can handle all of her emotional sides.

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Overt and frequent communication around sex is the only way to ensure you are getting the truth about how good you are in bed.  When I ask men the question, “How do you know if you are pleasing to a woman in bed?” I often get the same nervous defensive answer from them, “Well she hasn’t told me I am doing anything wrong.” I reply, “Has she told you that you were doing anything well?” a question to which I usually receive silence.

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As I teach men and women how to reach their erotic potential in my seminars (click here for more information), a class will often come to a screeching halt as I reveal the truth around sex and communication in a typical relationship.

The truth is this: Women don’t tell us the truth about what they want more of, what they don’t want any more of, or what they feel needs to be improved in sex, because they fear bruising your ego.

As I lead the discussion, woman after woman confesses that she doesn’t make requests in bed or ask for something different from her lover because she is:

Concerned you will get angry

Concerned she will hurt you

Concerned your ego will be bruised

Concerned your cock will not get hard

Women would rather endure your unskillful touch than tell you the truth. This is because you haven’t given her overt permission to tell you the truth in bed. If you want to create an atmosphere where your sex life can be truly hot, raunchy, and uninhibited, then create intimacy with honest dialogue around the topic of sex.

Here is how to make your sex life uninhibited and super hot:

1. Give her permission to tell you what she likes in sex.

Women are afraid to hurt your ego, so they will often change the subject or avoid answering directly when you ask the question, “How is our sex life?” so don’t ask. Before your next hot make-out, give her permission to speak frankly, openly, and honestly about every aspect of your sex life.

2. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.

Talking about sex is something women love to do! Give them an opportunity to say their thoughts around the subject. Women are conditioned to believe that sex talk with a man must necessarily lead to sex. Talking about sex in a situation where an innocent conversation remains a conversation.

3. Don’t get angry or hurt.

If you do, it will reinforce her fear that telling you the truth about your sexual ability will alter the relationship for the worse and she will never tell you the complete truth. She will need to be coaxed into delivering the awful, awful thoughts that will bring her into greater ecstasy. And believe me, the idea of bruising your sexy animal is a far greater fear than unsatisfying sex. 

4 Be playful around sex.

The more light-hearted you are around the issue of sex, the more sexual confidence you exude and the more space you create for her to be honest with you on the topic. Remember, you are creating an atmosphere of honesty so that you can have a hotter more connected sex life. What is so serious about that? Stay playful.

5 Tell her your hurts, before they become resentments.

Let her know what you like and don’t like as well. This will relax her in bed. She can feel your emotions even if you don’t tell her what you are thinking. Speak what you are feeling, because if you don’t she will think your withhold is about her and feel self-conscious with you. Being self-conscious is the opposite of being uninhibited.

Be the 1 of 100 men to do these tips and see how quickly your sex life moves from mediocre to marvelous.

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By Coach George Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com/

The tale tell signs I have of when I am lost in my own thoughts are the reflections I receive from those around me.  Here are a few cues to let you know when you are less present with others and trapped in your own thoughts and what to do about it the next time it happens to you.  You are probably in stuck in your own head when”

1.  You become sensitive and just about anything anyone else says or does irritates you.

If you notice that the the way your best friend says “you want a cup of coffee?” is suddenly making you want to pour the cup of coffee on his head, then it would be safe to say you are in preoccupied by your own thoughts. Why would one react with irritation at a simple request? Because when you get lost in your own thoughts it creates a backlog. Life and relationships don’t stop when you go inside yourself.  We feel the pressure to respond to our present moment surroundings without the mental space to do it, because we have too many mental tabs open in our own mind.  It’s like a computer trying to process information with too many applications running. However, unlike life, a computer can freeze until its processing catches up. We can’t do that so we explode on others.

2.  You lose perspective on time

Choosing to day dream is much different than being trapped in one’s own thoughts. The former produces pleasure and the latter produces mental gaps in recollection of our day.  When you day dream, the fantasy fills one with a sensation. A feeling of pleasure, strength or even fear and loneliness. You have a sense that your mind took you on a roller coaster ride, you may not like the ride but you can account for the time.

When you are trapped in your thoughts, time slips away. It passes through your fingers like sand and you have no idea where the time has gone. There is a feeling of confusion about how the time was spent. For some people, being lost in thought can go on for days and weeks. It is a feeling like you are walking around in a fog. Or walking around in the dark in with a candle that doesn’t quite light well enough to see your next step. At this point some action should be taken to get back into the light again.

3. People are talking to you, but you can’t register what they are saying or feeling

This is a tough one to recognize without “cold water in the face” reality of another person, most often that person is a partner. When she says, “you are not paying attention”,  “you are not understanding” , “you are not getting it” or “I am not speaking anymore cause you can’t hear me” she is saying eh hm “TURN OFF YOUR THOUGHTS AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” read this

It is best to close some programs at this point and listen or get vulnerable and say your concerns and fears around the thoughts you are holding.

How do you unlock your mind and get unstuck from thoughts?  Try these tips:

1.  Get moving

Body movement creates a new circuit in the brain that can pause circular thoughts. The nice thing is any movement can unlock your thoughts. You don’t need to be a marathon runner to take advantage of this. Simply pace in your office,  walk around the block or dance to music. Exercise and yoga are all great ways to get your body moving and to clear your head.  If you are in pinch for time try 10 jumping jacks and 10 toe touches, my particular favorites. Moving will short circuit your mental blockage.

2. Mediation

Spending a few moments relaxing and getting centered is a great way to slow the heart rate and operate your system at slower pace. The change from frenetic energy to soothing energy will help your thoughts slow down. Slowing your thoughts gives you more space to feel the emotion of your thoughts and react in accordance with your highest intentions. Slowing down keeps you from over reacting.  Try a sitting mediation, they can be done anywhere and is a good practice for developing mindfulness.

3. Get Inspired

Reading your favorite quotes, listening to music that moves you and writing can all help you change the dialogue in your head. We get stuck in our heads when we resist the thoughts in our head, that is we don’t want to feel the emotions associated with the thoughts. This sort of disconnection from our emotions is exhausting and makes one feel tense and edgy.  In some way we are not honoring those emotions within us. We make things worse when we project our dishonoring behavior onto those around us.  Inspiration are thoughts that feed up with good feelings. And you guessed it!, feelings are emotions. Inspiration is a way to enjoy thoughts that sink deep down inside of us and nurture us with feelings of pleasure.

4. Laugh

Laughter is a remedy for a lot of what ails us.  according to Socrates laughter is a mixture of both pain and pleasure.  Our emotions and reason react with opposite reactions, the former feelings of pleasure and amusement and the later touches upon our justice or political correctness. This means that laughter touches reason in a place that allows you to laugh at things that may not be totally appropriate. This gives your mind enough of a reason to let go of its serious attachment to its preoccupation. In other words, you are taken out of your head when you laugh, and when you go back to those thoughts you will have more levity.

Every here the story about the guy who bought a brand new jeep Cherokee and sunk it a frozen lake in Michigan while Ice fishing with dynamite?  Its funny and horrible making it grate our sensibilices and tickle our funny bone.

These tips will help you get out of your own head and help you to be more present. Try them the next time you get feedback that you are preoccupied.

I teach men how to get out of their heads and into their hearts, this makes life more exciting and more rewarding, and it makes you more desirable to women.  Want a free consultation?

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An interesting thing for men to notice is this: to the degree that your mental boxes overlap, you feel messy and out of control.  It is at this edge of mental mess that you have the greatest opportunity for connection to a woman.

Here is how it works. When you put a woman into a mental check box, she will wonder if you can even see her for who she really is, or worse she will question if you can see her as a complete human being. To a woman the mental check box you use for work, leisure and everything else in life including the mental picture that is held for the “ideal” woman, feels limiting.

When a woman feels that we are more infatuated with the “idea”  of her than the flesh and blood of her she feels “unmet” and that a greater part of her true beauty and personality is undiscovered by you.  It is tough as a man to recognize when we are in love with the idea of relationship instead of the woman we are relating to. If you have ever heard these words “ you don’t even know me” or “you don’t really see me for who I am” she is expressing a complaint that you are not truly seeing her. You may be stuck in a mental image of her and not relating to her in a heart connection. She is also telling you that there are unexpressed parts of herself that she wishes to express but can’t because she feels unmet in the relationship.  This can cause friction in a relationship.

In order to be your “ideal” woman she has to play a role that has very little room for her cultivate her deeper parts, leaving her interior life to “die on the vine” as she tries to match the “ideal” mental picture you have about her. Look, a woman wants the space to explore who she can be with you. Being in your head about the relationship is a hindrance to really connecting at a heart level with her.  And it is this deeper heart level connection that allows you to really get to fully know a woman.

So the first thing to do is to drop the mental picture and get in touch with what you feel about the woman you are relating to.

Secondly, see every women you relate to as a complete and unique set of personality traits. Remember she has a personality and preferences that you both are learning to interact with. Be curious about who she really is.

Thirdly, leave space in your mind for curious exploration of who she is. She is also curious about who she can be in relation to you as a man.  Remember, a woman will be crazy for a man who can reflect back to her more than she every expected to see in herself.

Fourthly, stay in the present moment and never fixate on how things were done the last time you were with that woman. People change moment by moment; let your heart guide you and not your head. It will be more messy but also more rewarding.

Allowing a woman to feel your willingness to connect with every incarnation of her personality and with every side of her emotional life will enable her to trust you in a deeper way.  Trust will make your relationship much richer, rewarding and more gratifying on all levels. It enables parts of a woman that have been shy and hiding to come out and play with you in ways that are exciting and new for you both!

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The Truth Is We Lie

September 17, 2013 — Leave a comment

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

The truth is that we lie.  As men we typically operate out of integrity. This sounds harsh and it is, but someone has to call a spade a spade. Someone has to free us from the disconnection to each other and ourselves. I am speaking now because I don’t hear the truth espoused anywhere. Why is it so easy for us to live in disconnection?  Because the majority of the messages we receive as men perpetuate a lie. What is this lie? That the world, society, our families can not afford to have us live life as real men.

And so we hide ourselves from the world, society, our families and ourselves.  We hang our authentic selves on a rack like a winter coat, only to be used on especially cold nights. We accept the idea that our true masculine selves are too hard, too intense, too sensitive, too strong and too unpredictable to be a part of the “normal” reality we live in. We shut ourselves down, dissipate our power and disassociate from others to protect our fragile male egos. And there lies the truth.

Some egos are more fragile than others, so they tend to dominate, to push for control, but this is all a form of self-protection. The hard exterior of an alpha male or a type A personality or a cynic, belies the soft gooey middle that is in such need of nourishment, love and connection. Another extreme is the checked out male and the “nice guy” both of whom live in a cesspool of anger and resentment, smiling like a crocodile and stuffing his true feelings about everything so far down that his feelings can no longer be felt by anyone, even himself.

Fortunately the vast majority of us, live in the broad bland space in between the two extremes above.  Yet, in my practice as a life coach I find that men in the broad expanse are more prone to lie to themselves and others in 3 main areas of life.

The need to connect deeply with other men

As men we set ourselves apart from the connection of other males in society.  At best we have our cliché, our small group that supports us in our isolation. We operate as rogue states, protecting our boundaries from other rouge states. Unless we work in a job that routinely puts people from varied backgrounds together for a purpose, like a sports team, or the military, men rarely get the opportunity to feel exactly what they feel about another male (be it dislike, envy, jealousy, irritation, or disapproval) and have the need to stay in connection.

Women, on the other hand, do this all the time. They feel an emotion about another woman, whether positive or negative and they manage to remain connected. Men see connection as approval.  And approval of our negative emotions or even worse approval of a man we feel a jealousy towards is forbidden in the disconnected code of male behavior.  The real truth is that when we connect to another person we like or dislike, what is really being approved of are our own emotions.

That we desire intimacy even more than women.

Ask any sex worker, we want to connect deeply to another human, sex is about more than just sex. Most sex workers spend very little time engaged in actual sex. Men tend to pay for sex as a way to connect with a women. Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and noted author, has found in her research that men fall in love faster than women almost twice as fast. She also notes that men go into new relationships faster than women and men live longer lives within in a committed relationship.

We also have deep concerns about our adequacy in the area of sex. We over compensate and hide our discomfort of relating with a woman’s desire for connected sex.  It makes sense, our anatomy makes it obvious when we are not feeling sexual. We can’t hide at the moment of passion when our cocks are flaccid, so we hide in the many moments outside of the bedroom when we check out mentally, our we pour ourselves into our work.  A more radical check out is to play so hard in life that we make ourselves unavailable for meaningful connection.

“I feel bored once the chase is over” is something that men relate to me in my coaching practice. Often boredom after the “chase” is over is a man’s unwillingness to play a deeper game in relationship to a woman.   So inherent in the “i feel bored…” comment is a lie about our level of connection. The un-spoken communication is that “I want to check out on the opportunity to go deeper by creating the next opportunity to chase next woman, play the next game, pick up the next woman.

Whatever the method, we short change ourselves and others by not facing our emotions around our desires for intimacy. We stay on a superficial level refusing to get in touch with ourselves so that we can communicate what we need in each moment.  Let me just state for the record, the heart of a woman, when open to a man, is as vast as the diversity in the ocean. And like marine life, fascinating, awe-inspiring and frightening. So dive in.

We lie to ourselves as we hide behind appropriateness. 

At a deep level we convince ourselves we are something we are not. The beings that know what justice is, know what it is to have empathy and understand that love is more than peaceful politically correct feelings, often takes a back seat to a person, who is trying to play small, keep his head down and go unnoticed and just get through the day.

In relationships appropriateness denies our loved ones with our clarity, our tough love, our decisiveness and our passion. We let loved ones live in disconnection with us, tuning them out so that we don’t feel the emotions that our the source of our disconnection.

Truth is integrity and integrity is a two-step process. Step one is knowing what do and step two is doing it.  If you know what to do to maintain integrity and refuse to do it, you are no longer in integrity. If you live life pretending that you don’t know what the next right step is, you are also out of integrity.

So I am asking all men to live in the truth and let’s stop living our little lies.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

What is desire? Philosophers have been debating the question since antiquity.  It is defined as “ to strongly wish for or want something” . The word has synonyms like: crave, yearn, covet, long, lust, will or wish.  And yet none of the synonyms alone adequately describe the feeling a woman has when you express the true nature of  your desire for her in a way that makes her feminine heart flutter.

For a woman, that feeling of being desired is more encompassing than lust, more gracious than coveting, more nourishing than yearning, more solid that wishing and less expectant that willing.  The words used to define desire seem to have the object of our desire in a less than connected relationship to the one desiring. Obviously this is not your goal or hers.

In romance desire can be seen as the will to devour and consume one’s beloved with the grace to suffer the yearning of wanting indefinitely.  It means feeling the hunger to devour and consume and living in that feeling in a gracious spacious manner. To a woman this is a total turn on. To a man this is as hard as doing… handstand scorpion yoga pose. Not sure what I am talking about… check it out then.

Nicole Daedone, founder and leader of Onetaste, which practices and teaches Orgasmic Meditation, says that the feeling of both having and wanting ( true desire) comes from being full on orgasm and living life in flow.  Orgasm being your life force sexual energy and flow being well flow.  The formula looks something like this :

Desire + Flow(grace) = a full orgasm.

Being full on orgasm keeps ones desire from feeling like hunger. See my blog post on Hunger vs Desire Part 1.

To simplify, hunger and desire differ in expectation. Desire is all the hunger without the nasty agitated, goal oriented maneuvering that she feels as “yucky” in her body. Desire allows sexual tension to build organically, and it radiates a sense of contentment enjoying every excruciating movement of longing for her. Longing that is free of resentment. Get it? Got it… Good!

Desire plays with and feeds off of anticipation. Spoken desire mixed with anticipation is a pleasantly lethal combination that women find hard to resist. This is called building desire and it is key to a woman’s happiness and her feelings of being sexy and desired by you.

The longer and more familiar your relationship with a woman is, the more you will need to work on building desire through anticipation.

Here are a few tips to build desire:

  • Tell her something you are grateful for about her.
  • Thank her for being in your life.
  • Show her an appreciation.
  • Offer to do something nice, to contribute without her asking.
  • Buy a small gift for no reason at all.

And most importantly…

Tell her when you desire her sexually the moment you feel it… and do nothing else but allow her to bask your feelings for her.  Wait in your desire and she will find you irresistible.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

“I don’t want to feel your expectation, your “sex” doesn’t feel good in my body”, that was the report of a conversation between my friend and his partner. 

“what does that mean?” he inquired of me. He was totally lost as to how to respond to her. 

“Do you want sex with your partner?” I asked.

“Yes!, I need it so bad. She just doesn’t want sex as much as I do…..right?.

“Wrong” I say, “she just doesn’t like the way your “hunger” feels in her body but she desires sex, especially from you.” 

“Hunger? My hunger is my passion!” he exclaimed. “she is always talking about wanting more passion in our relationship…” 

“I get that”, I say “ what she wants is to feel your desire and not your hunger.” 

This real life example conversation would be played out in 95 out of 100 conversations  with most males.  So what is the difference between hunger and desire and why is one so lethal and one so potent?

To a man, the drive for sex is a simple straight forward thing. It works like this:  grunt first, then have the thought “I want sex”, then act to seek out a sex partner, next have sex, finally, roll over and go sleep satisfied. Goal achieved!

When the object of a man’s sex drive is a woman, that straight forward, goal oriented motivation of a man, feels full of expectation to her.  Expectation + male sex drive hunger. Hunger feels awful to a woman, unless she is also hungry and then it is just tolerated.

Why does hunger feel awful to a woman?

Male hunger is expressed in agitation, expectation, it is guilt laden, heavy handed and disconnected from the present moment.  Of course the above description would not feel good in a woman’s body.  But wait there is more….  Here is another more important reason why you should learn to drop hunger and operate from desire.

To a woman hot sex is always spontaneous.  Women want “spontaneity” when it comes to sex.  What does it mean to be spontaneous in sex?  Despite what the latest Cosmopolitan says,  it simply means, all the fun, passion, and connection associated with “getting her in the mood” without feeling like she is on a one way street to the bedroom, with no way to change course.

Translation please:  she feels like she is expected to satisfy your hunger no matter whether she feels desirous of sex in the moment.

To a woman, that feels “yucky”. As one woman put it  “it (male hunger) makes me feel like I am less than a person”.

So what is desire?…..we will cover that in part 2.