Archives For On Sex

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Overt and frequent communication around sex is the only way to ensure you are getting the truth about how good you are in bed.  When I ask men the question, “How do you know if you are pleasing to a woman in bed?” I often get the same nervous defensive answer from them, “Well she hasn’t told me I am doing anything wrong.” I reply, “Has she told you that you were doing anything well?” a question to which I usually receive silence.

erotic potential photo

As I teach men and women how to reach their erotic potential in my seminars (click here for more information), a class will often come to a screeching halt as I reveal the truth around sex and communication in a typical relationship.

The truth is this: Women don’t tell us the truth about what they want more of, what they don’t want any more of, or what they feel needs to be improved in sex, because they fear bruising your ego.

As I lead the discussion, woman after woman confesses that she doesn’t make requests in bed or ask for something different from her lover because she is:

Concerned you will get angry

Concerned she will hurt you

Concerned your ego will be bruised

Concerned your cock will not get hard

Women would rather endure your unskillful touch than tell you the truth. This is because you haven’t given her overt permission to tell you the truth in bed. If you want to create an atmosphere where your sex life can be truly hot, raunchy, and uninhibited, then create intimacy with honest dialogue around the topic of sex.

Here is how to make your sex life uninhibited and super hot:

1. Give her permission to tell you what she likes in sex.

Women are afraid to hurt your ego, so they will often change the subject or avoid answering directly when you ask the question, “How is our sex life?” so don’t ask. Before your next hot make-out, give her permission to speak frankly, openly, and honestly about every aspect of your sex life.

2. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.

Talking about sex is something women love to do! Give them an opportunity to say their thoughts around the subject. Women are conditioned to believe that sex talk with a man must necessarily lead to sex. Talking about sex in a situation where an innocent conversation remains a conversation.

3. Don’t get angry or hurt.

If you do, it will reinforce her fear that telling you the truth about your sexual ability will alter the relationship for the worse and she will never tell you the complete truth. She will need to be coaxed into delivering the awful, awful thoughts that will bring her into greater ecstasy. And believe me, the idea of bruising your sexy animal is a far greater fear than unsatisfying sex. 

4 Be playful around sex.

The more light-hearted you are around the issue of sex, the more sexual confidence you exude and the more space you create for her to be honest with you on the topic. Remember, you are creating an atmosphere of honesty so that you can have a hotter more connected sex life. What is so serious about that? Stay playful.

5 Tell her your hurts, before they become resentments.

Let her know what you like and don’t like as well. This will relax her in bed. She can feel your emotions even if you don’t tell her what you are thinking. Speak what you are feeling, because if you don’t she will think your withhold is about her and feel self-conscious with you. Being self-conscious is the opposite of being uninhibited.

Be the 1 of 100 men to do these tips and see how quickly your sex life moves from mediocre to marvelous.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

What is desire? Philosophers have been debating the question since antiquity.  It is defined as “ to strongly wish for or want something” . The word has synonyms like: crave, yearn, covet, long, lust, will or wish.  And yet none of the synonyms alone adequately describe the feeling a woman has when you express the true nature of  your desire for her in a way that makes her feminine heart flutter.

For a woman, that feeling of being desired is more encompassing than lust, more gracious than coveting, more nourishing than yearning, more solid that wishing and less expectant that willing.  The words used to define desire seem to have the object of our desire in a less than connected relationship to the one desiring. Obviously this is not your goal or hers.

In romance desire can be seen as the will to devour and consume one’s beloved with the grace to suffer the yearning of wanting indefinitely.  It means feeling the hunger to devour and consume and living in that feeling in a gracious spacious manner. To a woman this is a total turn on. To a man this is as hard as doing… handstand scorpion yoga pose. Not sure what I am talking about… check it out then.

Nicole Daedone, founder and leader of Onetaste, which practices and teaches Orgasmic Meditation, says that the feeling of both having and wanting ( true desire) comes from being full on orgasm and living life in flow.  Orgasm being your life force sexual energy and flow being well flow.  The formula looks something like this :

Desire + Flow(grace) = a full orgasm.

Being full on orgasm keeps ones desire from feeling like hunger. See my blog post on Hunger vs Desire Part 1.

To simplify, hunger and desire differ in expectation. Desire is all the hunger without the nasty agitated, goal oriented maneuvering that she feels as “yucky” in her body. Desire allows sexual tension to build organically, and it radiates a sense of contentment enjoying every excruciating movement of longing for her. Longing that is free of resentment. Get it? Got it… Good!

Desire plays with and feeds off of anticipation. Spoken desire mixed with anticipation is a pleasantly lethal combination that women find hard to resist. This is called building desire and it is key to a woman’s happiness and her feelings of being sexy and desired by you.

The longer and more familiar your relationship with a woman is, the more you will need to work on building desire through anticipation.

Here are a few tips to build desire:

  • Tell her something you are grateful for about her.
  • Thank her for being in your life.
  • Show her an appreciation.
  • Offer to do something nice, to contribute without her asking.
  • Buy a small gift for no reason at all.

And most importantly…

Tell her when you desire her sexually the moment you feel it… and do nothing else but allow her to bask your feelings for her.  Wait in your desire and she will find you irresistible.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

“I don’t want to feel your expectation, your “sex” doesn’t feel good in my body”, that was the report of a conversation between my friend and his partner. 

“what does that mean?” he inquired of me. He was totally lost as to how to respond to her. 

“Do you want sex with your partner?” I asked.

“Yes!, I need it so bad. She just doesn’t want sex as much as I do…..right?.

“Wrong” I say, “she just doesn’t like the way your “hunger” feels in her body but she desires sex, especially from you.” 

“Hunger? My hunger is my passion!” he exclaimed. “she is always talking about wanting more passion in our relationship…” 

“I get that”, I say “ what she wants is to feel your desire and not your hunger.” 

This real life example conversation would be played out in 95 out of 100 conversations  with most males.  So what is the difference between hunger and desire and why is one so lethal and one so potent?

To a man, the drive for sex is a simple straight forward thing. It works like this:  grunt first, then have the thought “I want sex”, then act to seek out a sex partner, next have sex, finally, roll over and go sleep satisfied. Goal achieved!

When the object of a man’s sex drive is a woman, that straight forward, goal oriented motivation of a man, feels full of expectation to her.  Expectation + male sex drive hunger. Hunger feels awful to a woman, unless she is also hungry and then it is just tolerated.

Why does hunger feel awful to a woman?

Male hunger is expressed in agitation, expectation, it is guilt laden, heavy handed and disconnected from the present moment.  Of course the above description would not feel good in a woman’s body.  But wait there is more….  Here is another more important reason why you should learn to drop hunger and operate from desire.

To a woman hot sex is always spontaneous.  Women want “spontaneity” when it comes to sex.  What does it mean to be spontaneous in sex?  Despite what the latest Cosmopolitan says,  it simply means, all the fun, passion, and connection associated with “getting her in the mood” without feeling like she is on a one way street to the bedroom, with no way to change course.

Translation please:  she feels like she is expected to satisfy your hunger no matter whether she feels desirous of sex in the moment.

To a woman, that feels “yucky”. As one woman put it  “it (male hunger) makes me feel like I am less than a person”.

So what is desire?…..we will cover that in part 2.

By George Streeter – Relationship Coach

We are inundated with sexual misinformation on what “good” sex is from the porn industry and magazines. Both give us a false picture of what “good” looks like in sex. The focus is on the intensity, duration, positions and techniques. But hardly any material out there focusses on the heart of the matter… showing up in a way that is authentic to how you are feeling in the moment.

Men put pressure on themselves to be show up in the bed room like the Marvel comic book super hero Batman.  That is, both men and women expect, a man to be a lover who will have the exact right gadget to get them both out of any unwanted sexual situation.  Low libido? pop a pill. Low sensation? try the latest porn position. Sexually bored?  How about a new fetish.

The expectation is that he will know what to say and do to handle any unwanted situation.  Men feel like they need Batman’s utility belt (of tricks and techniques) to please her, or the sex has the potential for being a joke.

But men don’t have utility belts and sometimes we feel less than “super” in the moment of intimacy. What do we do then?  Here are three simple things we can do to go from mediocre to super in her eyes.

 Own our own feelings.

73% of men and 75% of women suffer from speech anxiety. That is the fear of public speaking. One of the techniques used by great speakers to overcome this fear is to admit “I am nervous” just before speaking.  Just saying the words reduces anxiety in both mind and body and releases the right chemical cocktail to help the speaker perform better.  This will work in the bedroom as well. Verbalization in the moment is one sure fire way of “owning” one’s own feelings.

Refrain from blaming your partner. 

When I feel pressure, the first thing I want to do is remove the “thing” that I feel is pressuring me. Often in relationship when one refuses to own their own feelings, we will blame another person for causing our feelings. Blame makes another person responsible for our own internal state. It is a bad idea when you have your clothing on, and blame is an even worse idea if you intend to connect in the bedroom.

Stop!, take a moment and feel into the pressure you are feeling to perform. Verbalize to reduce that feeling of pressure and don’t say a word about how your partner is showing up in that moment.  Keep the focus of your mind and energies on the navigation of your own internal space. And once you are there, don’t blame yourself either!

Finally, change your expectations of the situation.

Performance anxiety is all about living up to the mental images we create in our own minds. Often our partner has no clue about film footage that is running in our minds, that is causing us to be less than present in intimacy with our partners.

Turning off the imagery in our minds and focussing on the visual information from our pupils, is the single best way to respond to your partner in the present moment. Try this the next time the “film footage” is taking you out of your game.

Bring your attention to her body. Noticing every inch and curve of her landscape is the best way to create a hot steamy present moment picture in your mind.  Take as long as you need to admire her, give your eyes a smorgasbord of her body.  And women stop being self conscious and give him the opportunity to appreciate what he already likes about you.

So whether you play Batman or Superman in the bed room, owning your own feelings, refraining from blame and stopping the sexual “film footage” in your mind are three quick ways you can please her every time.

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