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By Coach George Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com/

The tale tell signs I have of when I am lost in my own thoughts are the reflections I receive from those around me.  Here are a few cues to let you know when you are less present with others and trapped in your own thoughts and what to do about it the next time it happens to you.  You are probably in stuck in your own head when”

1.  You become sensitive and just about anything anyone else says or does irritates you.

If you notice that the the way your best friend says “you want a cup of coffee?” is suddenly making you want to pour the cup of coffee on his head, then it would be safe to say you are in preoccupied by your own thoughts. Why would one react with irritation at a simple request? Because when you get lost in your own thoughts it creates a backlog. Life and relationships don’t stop when you go inside yourself.  We feel the pressure to respond to our present moment surroundings without the mental space to do it, because we have too many mental tabs open in our own mind.  It’s like a computer trying to process information with too many applications running. However, unlike life, a computer can freeze until its processing catches up. We can’t do that so we explode on others.

2.  You lose perspective on time

Choosing to day dream is much different than being trapped in one’s own thoughts. The former produces pleasure and the latter produces mental gaps in recollection of our day.  When you day dream, the fantasy fills one with a sensation. A feeling of pleasure, strength or even fear and loneliness. You have a sense that your mind took you on a roller coaster ride, you may not like the ride but you can account for the time.

When you are trapped in your thoughts, time slips away. It passes through your fingers like sand and you have no idea where the time has gone. There is a feeling of confusion about how the time was spent. For some people, being lost in thought can go on for days and weeks. It is a feeling like you are walking around in a fog. Or walking around in the dark in with a candle that doesn’t quite light well enough to see your next step. At this point some action should be taken to get back into the light again.

3. People are talking to you, but you can’t register what they are saying or feeling

This is a tough one to recognize without “cold water in the face” reality of another person, most often that person is a partner. When she says, “you are not paying attention”,  “you are not understanding” , “you are not getting it” or “I am not speaking anymore cause you can’t hear me” she is saying eh hm “TURN OFF YOUR THOUGHTS AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” read this

It is best to close some programs at this point and listen or get vulnerable and say your concerns and fears around the thoughts you are holding.

How do you unlock your mind and get unstuck from thoughts?  Try these tips:

1.  Get moving

Body movement creates a new circuit in the brain that can pause circular thoughts. The nice thing is any movement can unlock your thoughts. You don’t need to be a marathon runner to take advantage of this. Simply pace in your office,  walk around the block or dance to music. Exercise and yoga are all great ways to get your body moving and to clear your head.  If you are in pinch for time try 10 jumping jacks and 10 toe touches, my particular favorites. Moving will short circuit your mental blockage.

2. Mediation

Spending a few moments relaxing and getting centered is a great way to slow the heart rate and operate your system at slower pace. The change from frenetic energy to soothing energy will help your thoughts slow down. Slowing your thoughts gives you more space to feel the emotion of your thoughts and react in accordance with your highest intentions. Slowing down keeps you from over reacting.  Try a sitting mediation, they can be done anywhere and is a good practice for developing mindfulness.

3. Get Inspired

Reading your favorite quotes, listening to music that moves you and writing can all help you change the dialogue in your head. We get stuck in our heads when we resist the thoughts in our head, that is we don’t want to feel the emotions associated with the thoughts. This sort of disconnection from our emotions is exhausting and makes one feel tense and edgy.  In some way we are not honoring those emotions within us. We make things worse when we project our dishonoring behavior onto those around us.  Inspiration are thoughts that feed up with good feelings. And you guessed it!, feelings are emotions. Inspiration is a way to enjoy thoughts that sink deep down inside of us and nurture us with feelings of pleasure.

4. Laugh

Laughter is a remedy for a lot of what ails us.  according to Socrates laughter is a mixture of both pain and pleasure.  Our emotions and reason react with opposite reactions, the former feelings of pleasure and amusement and the later touches upon our justice or political correctness. This means that laughter touches reason in a place that allows you to laugh at things that may not be totally appropriate. This gives your mind enough of a reason to let go of its serious attachment to its preoccupation. In other words, you are taken out of your head when you laugh, and when you go back to those thoughts you will have more levity.

Every here the story about the guy who bought a brand new jeep Cherokee and sunk it a frozen lake in Michigan while Ice fishing with dynamite?  Its funny and horrible making it grate our sensibilices and tickle our funny bone.

These tips will help you get out of your own head and help you to be more present. Try them the next time you get feedback that you are preoccupied.

I teach men how to get out of their heads and into their hearts, this makes life more exciting and more rewarding, and it makes you more desirable to women.  Want a free consultation?

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An interesting thing for men to notice is this: to the degree that your mental boxes overlap, you feel messy and out of control.  It is at this edge of mental mess that you have the greatest opportunity for connection to a woman.

Here is how it works. When you put a woman into a mental check box, she will wonder if you can even see her for who she really is, or worse she will question if you can see her as a complete human being. To a woman the mental check box you use for work, leisure and everything else in life including the mental picture that is held for the “ideal” woman, feels limiting.

When a woman feels that we are more infatuated with the “idea”  of her than the flesh and blood of her she feels “unmet” and that a greater part of her true beauty and personality is undiscovered by you.  It is tough as a man to recognize when we are in love with the idea of relationship instead of the woman we are relating to. If you have ever heard these words “ you don’t even know me” or “you don’t really see me for who I am” she is expressing a complaint that you are not truly seeing her. You may be stuck in a mental image of her and not relating to her in a heart connection. She is also telling you that there are unexpressed parts of herself that she wishes to express but can’t because she feels unmet in the relationship.  This can cause friction in a relationship.

In order to be your “ideal” woman she has to play a role that has very little room for her cultivate her deeper parts, leaving her interior life to “die on the vine” as she tries to match the “ideal” mental picture you have about her. Look, a woman wants the space to explore who she can be with you. Being in your head about the relationship is a hindrance to really connecting at a heart level with her.  And it is this deeper heart level connection that allows you to really get to fully know a woman.

So the first thing to do is to drop the mental picture and get in touch with what you feel about the woman you are relating to.

Secondly, see every women you relate to as a complete and unique set of personality traits. Remember she has a personality and preferences that you both are learning to interact with. Be curious about who she really is.

Thirdly, leave space in your mind for curious exploration of who she is. She is also curious about who she can be in relation to you as a man.  Remember, a woman will be crazy for a man who can reflect back to her more than she every expected to see in herself.

Fourthly, stay in the present moment and never fixate on how things were done the last time you were with that woman. People change moment by moment; let your heart guide you and not your head. It will be more messy but also more rewarding.

Allowing a woman to feel your willingness to connect with every incarnation of her personality and with every side of her emotional life will enable her to trust you in a deeper way.  Trust will make your relationship much richer, rewarding and more gratifying on all levels. It enables parts of a woman that have been shy and hiding to come out and play with you in ways that are exciting and new for you both!

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

What is desire? Philosophers have been debating the question since antiquity.  It is defined as “ to strongly wish for or want something” . The word has synonyms like: crave, yearn, covet, long, lust, will or wish.  And yet none of the synonyms alone adequately describe the feeling a woman has when you express the true nature of  your desire for her in a way that makes her feminine heart flutter.

For a woman, that feeling of being desired is more encompassing than lust, more gracious than coveting, more nourishing than yearning, more solid that wishing and less expectant that willing.  The words used to define desire seem to have the object of our desire in a less than connected relationship to the one desiring. Obviously this is not your goal or hers.

In romance desire can be seen as the will to devour and consume one’s beloved with the grace to suffer the yearning of wanting indefinitely.  It means feeling the hunger to devour and consume and living in that feeling in a gracious spacious manner. To a woman this is a total turn on. To a man this is as hard as doing… handstand scorpion yoga pose. Not sure what I am talking about… check it out then.

Nicole Daedone, founder and leader of Onetaste, which practices and teaches Orgasmic Meditation, says that the feeling of both having and wanting ( true desire) comes from being full on orgasm and living life in flow.  Orgasm being your life force sexual energy and flow being well flow.  The formula looks something like this :

Desire + Flow(grace) = a full orgasm.

Being full on orgasm keeps ones desire from feeling like hunger. See my blog post on Hunger vs Desire Part 1.

To simplify, hunger and desire differ in expectation. Desire is all the hunger without the nasty agitated, goal oriented maneuvering that she feels as “yucky” in her body. Desire allows sexual tension to build organically, and it radiates a sense of contentment enjoying every excruciating movement of longing for her. Longing that is free of resentment. Get it? Got it… Good!

Desire plays with and feeds off of anticipation. Spoken desire mixed with anticipation is a pleasantly lethal combination that women find hard to resist. This is called building desire and it is key to a woman’s happiness and her feelings of being sexy and desired by you.

The longer and more familiar your relationship with a woman is, the more you will need to work on building desire through anticipation.

Here are a few tips to build desire:

  • Tell her something you are grateful for about her.
  • Thank her for being in your life.
  • Show her an appreciation.
  • Offer to do something nice, to contribute without her asking.
  • Buy a small gift for no reason at all.

And most importantly…

Tell her when you desire her sexually the moment you feel it… and do nothing else but allow her to bask your feelings for her.  Wait in your desire and she will find you irresistible.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

“I don’t want to feel your expectation, your “sex” doesn’t feel good in my body”, that was the report of a conversation between my friend and his partner. 

“what does that mean?” he inquired of me. He was totally lost as to how to respond to her. 

“Do you want sex with your partner?” I asked.

“Yes!, I need it so bad. She just doesn’t want sex as much as I do…..right?.

“Wrong” I say, “she just doesn’t like the way your “hunger” feels in her body but she desires sex, especially from you.” 

“Hunger? My hunger is my passion!” he exclaimed. “she is always talking about wanting more passion in our relationship…” 

“I get that”, I say “ what she wants is to feel your desire and not your hunger.” 

This real life example conversation would be played out in 95 out of 100 conversations  with most males.  So what is the difference between hunger and desire and why is one so lethal and one so potent?

To a man, the drive for sex is a simple straight forward thing. It works like this:  grunt first, then have the thought “I want sex”, then act to seek out a sex partner, next have sex, finally, roll over and go sleep satisfied. Goal achieved!

When the object of a man’s sex drive is a woman, that straight forward, goal oriented motivation of a man, feels full of expectation to her.  Expectation + male sex drive hunger. Hunger feels awful to a woman, unless she is also hungry and then it is just tolerated.

Why does hunger feel awful to a woman?

Male hunger is expressed in agitation, expectation, it is guilt laden, heavy handed and disconnected from the present moment.  Of course the above description would not feel good in a woman’s body.  But wait there is more….  Here is another more important reason why you should learn to drop hunger and operate from desire.

To a woman hot sex is always spontaneous.  Women want “spontaneity” when it comes to sex.  What does it mean to be spontaneous in sex?  Despite what the latest Cosmopolitan says,  it simply means, all the fun, passion, and connection associated with “getting her in the mood” without feeling like she is on a one way street to the bedroom, with no way to change course.

Translation please:  she feels like she is expected to satisfy your hunger no matter whether she feels desirous of sex in the moment.

To a woman, that feels “yucky”. As one woman put it  “it (male hunger) makes me feel like I am less than a person”.

So what is desire?…..we will cover that in part 2.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

Scarcity is the most lethal killer of romantic interest in a woman, second only to being a jerk.   It is the silver bullet shot into the heart of the beast known as romantic passion.  Nothing irritates women more than the relentless, selfish motivational energy that is scarcity.

What is it exactly? and how do I know if I am operating in it?

Well for starters scarcity is completely different from hunger or desire, which offer their own unique benefits and problems. Scarcity is the itch on a phantom limb that can never be scratched. It is the idea that there is an inadequate amount to go around for everyone.  Satiation for a person who lives with thoughts of scarcity is an impossibility.

How do you know if you have a scarcity mentality about relationships? Here are three simple ways. There are others of course but a yes to any of theses questions means you have a few issues to work out before you can completely enjoy what you have.

1. You feel jealously and envy of what other men have that you (perceive you) don’t.

If you have a scarcity mindset you see resources as limited, so love and pleasure are resources and de facto limited. This is obviously absurd, because love, pleasure and connection are never limited, but are in fact unlimited. The loss of equilibrium at the thought of someone having something that is unavailable to you…. scarcity mentality.

2. You see other men as threats and rivals.

When you walk into a room with a woman on your arm, do you tense up at the site of a group of men in the room? Do you feel aggressive and over protective? Men are a great source of camaraderie and a group of guys can provide the energy and support needed to help a man get out of his comfort zone and live a little.  If there is an abundance of resources available to you, there is no need to create a rivalry.  If scarcity is your mental state, then even your friends appear to be potential rivals.

3. You feel that you will be forgotten if you don’t take act in your own best interest.

When you feel compelled to initiate every action in the relationship ( to get what you need)  while feeling frustration that you must initiate every action in your relationship (to get what you need), you are in scarcity.  This attitude diminishes the opportunity for your partner to meet you at your desires. Basically you are not giving others a chance to show you how wonderful you are to them.

If your relationship is on a respirator it may be because of a scarcity mindset. Operating as a person who believes in abundance is the only way to break the cycle scarcity,  the most potent killer of romantic passion.

By George Streeter

Creating the type of relationship that you want is similar to going on a trip to a destination you have never been before. A “destination” being the type of relationship you want and a “map” being the conscious thought you apply to have it. People often start creating a relationship with no idea of where they want to go, or some vague general idea of what the relationship destination will look it. To get from point A to point B the best way is to use a map.

A  good map helps you reach a desired destination, using the most desired path, at the most desired level of efficiency. In other words you go where you want to go, along the path you choose, at your own pace and level of difficulty.

No matter how good a map is,  you can’t expect your map to have all of the obstacles conveniently located on it, with sure fire short cuts to guide you past every obstacle. Real maps don’t work that way and neither do relationship maps.  Having a map is definitely the best way to begin a journey, but the map alone won’t ensure a successful journey.  Every journey has it’s own obstacles and barriers that can act as roadblocks on your journey. So having the skills and tools to navigate roadblocks and obstacles are also critical.

A roadblock in life or relationship can be overcome with insight.  What is insight?  It is a fresh thought that you have never had before or a deep intuitive understanding that leads to fresh perspectives and solutions.  Dr. Gary Klein in his book Seeing What Others Don’t: The remarkable was we gain insight, notes that there are four reasons why people miss insights that could help them:

  1. “Tenaciously” holding on to flawed beliefs. Sometimes we take historical data and use it successfully to trend in the present moment, but often historical thinking about a person or situation only leads to the same old solutions or worse it limits fresh ideas. It is like we get stuck in the same old neighborhood. Dr Klein noted that staying clear of erroneous beliefs is a quick way to gain insight.
  2. Being too comfortable in a narrow set of experiences.  Lets face it change is hard and sometimes we like to live in our comfort zone. Being able to have experiences outside of our comfort zone gives a person a greater breadth of knowledge from which to tackle potential roadblocks.You gain more tools with more experiences. Making you ready to tackle persistent problems in fresh ways.
  3. Being passive instead of actively seeking new questions and answers in life.  Asking ourselves the hard questions and actively seeking answers to those questions helps us gain insight. Every time I take a chance, whether I fail or succeed, I learn something, and that allows me to gain “new questions and answers in life”.
  4. “A fixation with concrete reasoning” that restricts playful hypothetical reasoning.  We bolster our confidence with a long list of reasons why. But seldom do we formulate a long list of reasons for  “why not”. We can think of a lot of reasons why it might be a bad idea to bungie jump off of bridge, but can you think of just as many for why it would be a good idea? Being able to adapt our line of reasoning adds to our capacity to gain understanding and insight.

With map in hand, a destination in our hearts and a few mental tools we can navigate the creation of a relationship that we want.

I help people navigate the creation of the type of relationships they want.  Contact me at http://www.iwantthescore.com/