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By George Streeter Relationship coach- for more info email george@georgestreeter.com

“Out with the old and in with the new” it is a New Years saying that refers to starting “new relationships, challenges, adventures, realities, successes, goals, etc.” and moving away from old habits, thoughts, and feelings that block us from attracting and receiving… well something new!

It is time of year that our energies are refocused on committing to be our better selves, the people we know we are right before we aren’t. For me that happens when I get that third cookie out of the cookie jar right before dinner.  Ouch! why did I do that?

There is not growth without change. Change can be hard to navigate, especially when you are going through a much-needed change on your own. Seeking the help of a trusted friend or your relationship partner can sometimes create a strain on that relationship. Finding people you can be with as you grow, is a real blessing.

Sometimes, it is the littlest problems that trip us up the most. I have a friend who struggles with feeling accepted by others. And no matter how much good he does, or how much others say they appreciate him, he still feels under appreciated. This affects the quality of his relationships because he finds himself feeling short-tempered and frustrated because he feels his needs are not being met.

From his vantage point, his hunger for acceptance is only met with ambivalence, but he has love all around him. What is going on?  This is his reality, his internal feelings are real, and sometimes he does support his internal state by acting a bit aloof. The shift for him is to operate as if he has all the love and connection he wants, until his internal state begin to register that truth.  This shift comes from his behavior and not exclusively from focussing on his internal state.

To make change, to “bring something in” that is “new”  my friend must change the way he operates in the world, this will change the way he perceives the world and of course the way the world perceives him.

2014This is what coaching does, we work on “bringing in the new”. I help to motivate, guide and help people towards their own personal change. This happens confidentially, in an atmosphere of approval. For some it is not a big change, or therapy that they are looking for just some clear coaching/mentoring from someone who can help support their growth.

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Overt and frequent communication around sex is the only way to ensure you are getting the truth about how good you are in bed.  When I ask men the question, “How do you know if you are pleasing to a woman in bed?” I often get the same nervous defensive answer from them, “Well she hasn’t told me I am doing anything wrong.” I reply, “Has she told you that you were doing anything well?” a question to which I usually receive silence.

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As I teach men and women how to reach their erotic potential in my seminars (click here for more information), a class will often come to a screeching halt as I reveal the truth around sex and communication in a typical relationship.

The truth is this: Women don’t tell us the truth about what they want more of, what they don’t want any more of, or what they feel needs to be improved in sex, because they fear bruising your ego.

As I lead the discussion, woman after woman confesses that she doesn’t make requests in bed or ask for something different from her lover because she is:

Concerned you will get angry

Concerned she will hurt you

Concerned your ego will be bruised

Concerned your cock will not get hard

Women would rather endure your unskillful touch than tell you the truth. This is because you haven’t given her overt permission to tell you the truth in bed. If you want to create an atmosphere where your sex life can be truly hot, raunchy, and uninhibited, then create intimacy with honest dialogue around the topic of sex.

Here is how to make your sex life uninhibited and super hot:

1. Give her permission to tell you what she likes in sex.

Women are afraid to hurt your ego, so they will often change the subject or avoid answering directly when you ask the question, “How is our sex life?” so don’t ask. Before your next hot make-out, give her permission to speak frankly, openly, and honestly about every aspect of your sex life.

2. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.

Talking about sex is something women love to do! Give them an opportunity to say their thoughts around the subject. Women are conditioned to believe that sex talk with a man must necessarily lead to sex. Talking about sex in a situation where an innocent conversation remains a conversation.

3. Don’t get angry or hurt.

If you do, it will reinforce her fear that telling you the truth about your sexual ability will alter the relationship for the worse and she will never tell you the complete truth. She will need to be coaxed into delivering the awful, awful thoughts that will bring her into greater ecstasy. And believe me, the idea of bruising your sexy animal is a far greater fear than unsatisfying sex. 

4 Be playful around sex.

The more light-hearted you are around the issue of sex, the more sexual confidence you exude and the more space you create for her to be honest with you on the topic. Remember, you are creating an atmosphere of honesty so that you can have a hotter more connected sex life. What is so serious about that? Stay playful.

5 Tell her your hurts, before they become resentments.

Let her know what you like and don’t like as well. This will relax her in bed. She can feel your emotions even if you don’t tell her what you are thinking. Speak what you are feeling, because if you don’t she will think your withhold is about her and feel self-conscious with you. Being self-conscious is the opposite of being uninhibited.

Be the 1 of 100 men to do these tips and see how quickly your sex life moves from mediocre to marvelous.

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By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Here are three ways to increase your chances of getting a phone number or a date when approaching a woman.

The single best thing to remember when approaching a woman is be in vibrational resonance with her before you speak to her.

Let me paint a picture. You are in a sarcastic and playful mood and you walk up to a perky blonde. She is excited about her sexy new dress, having a great time out with friends, and feeling good.  Whatever the reason, she is happy and you are sarcastic; you are both in two totally different zip codes.

From here there is nothing you can say from your neighborhood to reach her effectively and nothing she can say to you that would reach you from her zip code. From your perspective, her happiness looks a bit fraudulent and from her point of view, your sarcasm feels mean and resentful.

The key is that someone has to change zip codes (shift mood) to get into vibrational frequency with the other.

Switching “zip codes” can happen in an instant when there is mutual physical attraction or some sort of deep connection. When this instant love connection happens both parties become one and speak, talk and radiate on the same frequency.  That type of connection doesn’t happen everyday, most often we miss each other and two people often struggle to make contact with one another.

Here are three tips to get into vibrational frequency with any woman you choose:

1. Know thyself

Check your frequency before you approach.  Look for women that match your current present moment reality.  If you are playful or sarcastic, look for someone who appears to have a cause. If she is in the center of her crew giving a rousing speech. she is supporting a cause. Your playfulness will fit well with her passion and willingness to be less self-absorbed. Playful challenging goes a long way here.

2. Be authentic to your feelings

When you approach a woman don’t try to fake being in an emotional place you are not. Don’t feign seriousness when you are jovial or vice versa. Let your true feelings be expressed. This allows a woman to get a clear read on who you are in that moment.  It’s one thing to know tip 2 “know thyself” and another thing to act from what you know. Whether you are feeling tender, or mischievous, insecure or confident, trusting or suspicious, recognize where you are on your own emotional playing field. A woman is better able to feel you when your inner frequency matches what you show the world. Acting happy when you feel less than happy will feel awkward to you both.

3. If you lock eyes don’t waste time.

This is the adage that you accelerate on a green light. Women say a lot though nonverbal communication. Looking for cues will go along way to making you better at connecting with women. When you think she is checking you out and you see a cue like her locking eyes with you, act on it without wasting time building your courage. That glance was meant for you and your mood of the moment. Don’t change your mood worrying; “just make a move” as Tony Robbins would say.

These simple perspectives will help you appear confident and charismatic in her mind.

www.georgestreeter.com

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By Coach George Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com/

The tale tell signs I have of when I am lost in my own thoughts are the reflections I receive from those around me.  Here are a few cues to let you know when you are less present with others and trapped in your own thoughts and what to do about it the next time it happens to you.  You are probably in stuck in your own head when”

1.  You become sensitive and just about anything anyone else says or does irritates you.

If you notice that the the way your best friend says “you want a cup of coffee?” is suddenly making you want to pour the cup of coffee on his head, then it would be safe to say you are in preoccupied by your own thoughts. Why would one react with irritation at a simple request? Because when you get lost in your own thoughts it creates a backlog. Life and relationships don’t stop when you go inside yourself.  We feel the pressure to respond to our present moment surroundings without the mental space to do it, because we have too many mental tabs open in our own mind.  It’s like a computer trying to process information with too many applications running. However, unlike life, a computer can freeze until its processing catches up. We can’t do that so we explode on others.

2.  You lose perspective on time

Choosing to day dream is much different than being trapped in one’s own thoughts. The former produces pleasure and the latter produces mental gaps in recollection of our day.  When you day dream, the fantasy fills one with a sensation. A feeling of pleasure, strength or even fear and loneliness. You have a sense that your mind took you on a roller coaster ride, you may not like the ride but you can account for the time.

When you are trapped in your thoughts, time slips away. It passes through your fingers like sand and you have no idea where the time has gone. There is a feeling of confusion about how the time was spent. For some people, being lost in thought can go on for days and weeks. It is a feeling like you are walking around in a fog. Or walking around in the dark in with a candle that doesn’t quite light well enough to see your next step. At this point some action should be taken to get back into the light again.

3. People are talking to you, but you can’t register what they are saying or feeling

This is a tough one to recognize without “cold water in the face” reality of another person, most often that person is a partner. When she says, “you are not paying attention”,  “you are not understanding” , “you are not getting it” or “I am not speaking anymore cause you can’t hear me” she is saying eh hm “TURN OFF YOUR THOUGHTS AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME!” read this

It is best to close some programs at this point and listen or get vulnerable and say your concerns and fears around the thoughts you are holding.

How do you unlock your mind and get unstuck from thoughts?  Try these tips:

1.  Get moving

Body movement creates a new circuit in the brain that can pause circular thoughts. The nice thing is any movement can unlock your thoughts. You don’t need to be a marathon runner to take advantage of this. Simply pace in your office,  walk around the block or dance to music. Exercise and yoga are all great ways to get your body moving and to clear your head.  If you are in pinch for time try 10 jumping jacks and 10 toe touches, my particular favorites. Moving will short circuit your mental blockage.

2. Mediation

Spending a few moments relaxing and getting centered is a great way to slow the heart rate and operate your system at slower pace. The change from frenetic energy to soothing energy will help your thoughts slow down. Slowing your thoughts gives you more space to feel the emotion of your thoughts and react in accordance with your highest intentions. Slowing down keeps you from over reacting.  Try a sitting mediation, they can be done anywhere and is a good practice for developing mindfulness.

3. Get Inspired

Reading your favorite quotes, listening to music that moves you and writing can all help you change the dialogue in your head. We get stuck in our heads when we resist the thoughts in our head, that is we don’t want to feel the emotions associated with the thoughts. This sort of disconnection from our emotions is exhausting and makes one feel tense and edgy.  In some way we are not honoring those emotions within us. We make things worse when we project our dishonoring behavior onto those around us.  Inspiration are thoughts that feed up with good feelings. And you guessed it!, feelings are emotions. Inspiration is a way to enjoy thoughts that sink deep down inside of us and nurture us with feelings of pleasure.

4. Laugh

Laughter is a remedy for a lot of what ails us.  according to Socrates laughter is a mixture of both pain and pleasure.  Our emotions and reason react with opposite reactions, the former feelings of pleasure and amusement and the later touches upon our justice or political correctness. This means that laughter touches reason in a place that allows you to laugh at things that may not be totally appropriate. This gives your mind enough of a reason to let go of its serious attachment to its preoccupation. In other words, you are taken out of your head when you laugh, and when you go back to those thoughts you will have more levity.

Every here the story about the guy who bought a brand new jeep Cherokee and sunk it a frozen lake in Michigan while Ice fishing with dynamite?  Its funny and horrible making it grate our sensibilices and tickle our funny bone.

These tips will help you get out of your own head and help you to be more present. Try them the next time you get feedback that you are preoccupied.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

What is desire? Philosophers have been debating the question since antiquity.  It is defined as “ to strongly wish for or want something” . The word has synonyms like: crave, yearn, covet, long, lust, will or wish.  And yet none of the synonyms alone adequately describe the feeling a woman has when you express the true nature of  your desire for her in a way that makes her feminine heart flutter.

For a woman, that feeling of being desired is more encompassing than lust, more gracious than coveting, more nourishing than yearning, more solid that wishing and less expectant that willing.  The words used to define desire seem to have the object of our desire in a less than connected relationship to the one desiring. Obviously this is not your goal or hers.

In romance desire can be seen as the will to devour and consume one’s beloved with the grace to suffer the yearning of wanting indefinitely.  It means feeling the hunger to devour and consume and living in that feeling in a gracious spacious manner. To a woman this is a total turn on. To a man this is as hard as doing… handstand scorpion yoga pose. Not sure what I am talking about… check it out then.

Nicole Daedone, founder and leader of Onetaste, which practices and teaches Orgasmic Meditation, says that the feeling of both having and wanting ( true desire) comes from being full on orgasm and living life in flow.  Orgasm being your life force sexual energy and flow being well flow.  The formula looks something like this :

Desire + Flow(grace) = a full orgasm.

Being full on orgasm keeps ones desire from feeling like hunger. See my blog post on Hunger vs Desire Part 1.

To simplify, hunger and desire differ in expectation. Desire is all the hunger without the nasty agitated, goal oriented maneuvering that she feels as “yucky” in her body. Desire allows sexual tension to build organically, and it radiates a sense of contentment enjoying every excruciating movement of longing for her. Longing that is free of resentment. Get it? Got it… Good!

Desire plays with and feeds off of anticipation. Spoken desire mixed with anticipation is a pleasantly lethal combination that women find hard to resist. This is called building desire and it is key to a woman’s happiness and her feelings of being sexy and desired by you.

The longer and more familiar your relationship with a woman is, the more you will need to work on building desire through anticipation.

Here are a few tips to build desire:

  • Tell her something you are grateful for about her.
  • Thank her for being in your life.
  • Show her an appreciation.
  • Offer to do something nice, to contribute without her asking.
  • Buy a small gift for no reason at all.

And most importantly…

Tell her when you desire her sexually the moment you feel it… and do nothing else but allow her to bask your feelings for her.  Wait in your desire and she will find you irresistible.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

“I don’t want to feel your expectation, your “sex” doesn’t feel good in my body”, that was the report of a conversation between my friend and his partner. 

“what does that mean?” he inquired of me. He was totally lost as to how to respond to her. 

“Do you want sex with your partner?” I asked.

“Yes!, I need it so bad. She just doesn’t want sex as much as I do…..right?.

“Wrong” I say, “she just doesn’t like the way your “hunger” feels in her body but she desires sex, especially from you.” 

“Hunger? My hunger is my passion!” he exclaimed. “she is always talking about wanting more passion in our relationship…” 

“I get that”, I say “ what she wants is to feel your desire and not your hunger.” 

This real life example conversation would be played out in 95 out of 100 conversations  with most males.  So what is the difference between hunger and desire and why is one so lethal and one so potent?

To a man, the drive for sex is a simple straight forward thing. It works like this:  grunt first, then have the thought “I want sex”, then act to seek out a sex partner, next have sex, finally, roll over and go sleep satisfied. Goal achieved!

When the object of a man’s sex drive is a woman, that straight forward, goal oriented motivation of a man, feels full of expectation to her.  Expectation + male sex drive hunger. Hunger feels awful to a woman, unless she is also hungry and then it is just tolerated.

Why does hunger feel awful to a woman?

Male hunger is expressed in agitation, expectation, it is guilt laden, heavy handed and disconnected from the present moment.  Of course the above description would not feel good in a woman’s body.  But wait there is more….  Here is another more important reason why you should learn to drop hunger and operate from desire.

To a woman hot sex is always spontaneous.  Women want “spontaneity” when it comes to sex.  What does it mean to be spontaneous in sex?  Despite what the latest Cosmopolitan says,  it simply means, all the fun, passion, and connection associated with “getting her in the mood” without feeling like she is on a one way street to the bedroom, with no way to change course.

Translation please:  she feels like she is expected to satisfy your hunger no matter whether she feels desirous of sex in the moment.

To a woman, that feels “yucky”. As one woman put it  “it (male hunger) makes me feel like I am less than a person”.

So what is desire?…..we will cover that in part 2.

By George Streeter

All you want to do in that moment is nothing. However, does the following dialogue sound familiar? Her: what are you feeling right now? Him: Nothing, it is just that I don’t like the situation. Her: Well how do you feel about the situation?  Him: “I told you, I don’t like it?”  Her: (Staring incredulously and becoming more irritated, wondering why he is holding back his true feelings with her on the topic.)  Him:  What? (shrugging).

I was asked once to choose just one area for a man to change in himself that would make a huge impact on his relationships with women.  This is a difficult question when you think about the diversity around what women want. Yet the question becomes less complicated when you change the question to:  What is the single most problematic area for men? The answer:  sharing emotions.

Men cause women undue suffering by simply being stoic and keeping their emotions on the inside. According to studies, men miss opportunities to “engage” with their partners on a deeper level, when we fail to share our emotions, especially when a man hides his frustrations.

Men tend to deal with negative emotions by stuffing them down. We don’t often take the time to deal with our own seething angers and let them build into resentments.  Often, underneath male anger and resentment you find a man who has not expressed his real desires, or shared his hurt or feelings of loss.

Women, when faced with an emotionally distant man, will feel disconnected from him and bewildered by the emotion she feels from him that is not being expressed by him. 

When a man is emotional disconnected a couple of thoughts that may cross her mind; She often wonders “Can he handle my emotions, because he can’t seem to get a handle on his own?  Or “Is he willing to invest in this relationship?”

For many men the idea that his frustrations can be a bridge to connection with his partner are… unbelievable.  Shiri Cohen, a clinical psychologist and researcher at Massachusetts General Hospital, asked 156 couples to remember incidents in the relationship that upset them and compared their reactions.

What she found is that “women tend to want to engage around conflict”. She continued, “In other words, women are deriving more satisfaction when they see that their partner is upset. That is telling her (the woman) something about his availability to engage in the relationship.”

Women should keep in mind that men feel exactly the opposite about those moments of conflict and see them as a threat to the relationship.  And men should keep it in mind that If a conflict comes up, a woman is generally looking for a way to penetrate your stoic armor and connect with you and she wants to feel your sadness, frustrations and joy.