By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Every man has heard the following from a woman he has been in a significant relationship with:  “I am fighting with you because I love you”. If not those exact words, some version of that. To a man, the above statement is an oxymoron. It doesn’t compute. What does she mean when she says this? Who knows, but the male translation of her logic goes something like this:

“You are fighting me because you are hyper-emotional. If you love me, then there would be no fights between us. None of the stuff that you are saying is important would matter. You love me and I love you.. so everything is fine. Right?”

Wrong. Her version of the same situation would go something like this.

“I love him and I feel disconnected to him. He doesn’t want to spend time talking, walking, sharing emotions, (fill in the blank), therefore I need to get to the bottom of what is going on with him. I love him and I want to feel connected to him. So I will talk about the walk, conversation, event (fill in the blank) and fight with him to get an understanding.”

Women fight to keep connection, to have understanding and to be understood. Repeat this three times over if you are a man.

For a man this is a funny concept at best and a worrisome one at worst. Here is why It is so tough for us to understand female logic here. It is tough for us to see the connection between going to the hardware store together to pick up the screws we need to finish the deck with her desire for connection and understanding.  Yet, to a woman, a trip to the hardware store means more than simply an errand, because she has connected “the trip” to more things. For example, she might want to get her man’s opinion on the purchase of deck chairs that are at the hardware store. She has connected the trip to the hardware store to further approval of the purchase of the chairs for the deck. So when you want to go without her to the hardware store because the football game is on later that evening and she is not back from an errand, she may be a bit fussy about it. For her, your desire to go without her for the sake of efficiency creates disconnection on many levels that men don’t always see. As a man, you may be left wondering what all the fuss is about.

Just remember, unless a woman has a fear of intimacy, she will fight with a man to keep connection and establish mutual understanding. She might communicate this by saying, “I just want you to know….” “I want to be heard on this matter” or ‘I don’t feel heard.”

What should you do with a woman who loves you so much she is willing to fight with you, just to have more of you? Here are six easy steps to remember when your fight is about staying connected and being understood.

Step 1. Remember she wants to feel connected to you and understood by you, no matter how cold, sad, or angry she gets over any situation. Just reminding yourself of this perspective can help you accomplish steps 2-6 better.

Step 2. Speak from your emotions. Don’t simply go over the facts of what happened or what you want to see happen. Explain why you want it emotionally. Here is an example for the emotionally challenged.

“I want to go to the hardware store sooner, rather than later, because watching the football game makes me feel happy and contented with my life. Watching the football game is a little moment of peace and I get to feel that here in the house.”  Women reading this are smiling right now. This type of statement can get you very far with a woman who loves you.

Step 3. Tone it down. When we get upset, fearful, or angry, our vocal tone changes.  As men, when we don’t understand something or feel we are being challenged, our tone becomes harsh and stern. The saying “it’s not what you say it’s how you say it” is scientifically true.  Studies have shown only 7 % of what we say is actually registering in any given conversation. Yep, so often the words don’t ever matter.  55% of the listener’s attention when hearing any communication is focused on the non-verbal cues of the speaker and a whopping 35% of all communication that is registered in the listener is the speaker’s tone! So you can be saying, “I want to have some ice cream” and the tone can be signaling “Leave me alone. I don’t want to be around you”.  Pay a lot of attention to tone.

Step 4.  Stay in the present with your argument. Keep to the issue of the toilet seat on the day the toilet seat is up, and not on the toilet seat mishap from yesterday or even tomorrow’s potential toilet seat issues. Just as importantly, no matter how complicated the issue is, stay as best you can in the present moment with your emotions and feelings.

Step 5. Stay in contact, literally. Connection can keep an argument contained. Resist the urge to pull away. A relationship is a full-contact sport. Keep yourself open in heart as well as in mind.

Step 6.  Stay engaged. Resist the urge to check out as she emotes at you. Stay fully present. A good way to remain conscious through the barrage of female intensity is to remember Step 1, then engage intensely in your own way. Don’t dwell on details or issues; instead fight for connection and understanding. Do not let her pull away or go into a shell.  If you get angry, do so around threats to maintaining a strong connection to her. Let her know when you think she is not being fully engaged or is retreating. She will find this side of you a complete turn-on.

Happy fighting, ahem, I mean loving.

I teach men how to get out of their heads and into their hearts, this makes life more exciting and more rewarding, and it makes you more desirable to women.  Want a free consultation?

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An interesting thing for men to notice is this: to the degree that your mental boxes overlap, you feel messy and out of control.  It is at this edge of mental mess that you have the greatest opportunity for connection to a woman.

Here is how it works. When you put a woman into a mental check box, she will wonder if you can even see her for who she really is, or worse she will question if you can see her as a complete human being. To a woman the mental check box you use for work, leisure and everything else in life including the mental picture that is held for the “ideal” woman, feels limiting.

When a woman feels that we are more infatuated with the “idea”  of her than the flesh and blood of her she feels “unmet” and that a greater part of her true beauty and personality is undiscovered by you.  It is tough as a man to recognize when we are in love with the idea of relationship instead of the woman we are relating to. If you have ever heard these words “ you don’t even know me” or “you don’t really see me for who I am” she is expressing a complaint that you are not truly seeing her. You may be stuck in a mental image of her and not relating to her in a heart connection. She is also telling you that there are unexpressed parts of herself that she wishes to express but can’t because she feels unmet in the relationship.  This can cause friction in a relationship.

In order to be your “ideal” woman she has to play a role that has very little room for her cultivate her deeper parts, leaving her interior life to “die on the vine” as she tries to match the “ideal” mental picture you have about her. Look, a woman wants the space to explore who she can be with you. Being in your head about the relationship is a hindrance to really connecting at a heart level with her.  And it is this deeper heart level connection that allows you to really get to fully know a woman.

So the first thing to do is to drop the mental picture and get in touch with what you feel about the woman you are relating to.

Secondly, see every women you relate to as a complete and unique set of personality traits. Remember she has a personality and preferences that you both are learning to interact with. Be curious about who she really is.

Thirdly, leave space in your mind for curious exploration of who she is. She is also curious about who she can be in relation to you as a man.  Remember, a woman will be crazy for a man who can reflect back to her more than she every expected to see in herself.

Fourthly, stay in the present moment and never fixate on how things were done the last time you were with that woman. People change moment by moment; let your heart guide you and not your head. It will be more messy but also more rewarding.

Allowing a woman to feel your willingness to connect with every incarnation of her personality and with every side of her emotional life will enable her to trust you in a deeper way.  Trust will make your relationship much richer, rewarding and more gratifying on all levels. It enables parts of a woman that have been shy and hiding to come out and play with you in ways that are exciting and new for you both!

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The Truth Is We Lie

September 17, 2013 — Leave a comment

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By George Streeter Relationship Coach

The truth is that we lie.  As men we typically operate out of integrity. This sounds harsh and it is, but someone has to call a spade a spade. Someone has to free us from the disconnection to each other and ourselves. I am speaking now because I don’t hear the truth espoused anywhere. Why is it so easy for us to live in disconnection?  Because the majority of the messages we receive as men perpetuate a lie. What is this lie? That the world, society, our families can not afford to have us live life as real men.

And so we hide ourselves from the world, society, our families and ourselves.  We hang our authentic selves on a rack like a winter coat, only to be used on especially cold nights. We accept the idea that our true masculine selves are too hard, too intense, too sensitive, too strong and too unpredictable to be a part of the “normal” reality we live in. We shut ourselves down, dissipate our power and disassociate from others to protect our fragile male egos. And there lies the truth.

Some egos are more fragile than others, so they tend to dominate, to push for control, but this is all a form of self-protection. The hard exterior of an alpha male or a type A personality or a cynic, belies the soft gooey middle that is in such need of nourishment, love and connection. Another extreme is the checked out male and the “nice guy” both of whom live in a cesspool of anger and resentment, smiling like a crocodile and stuffing his true feelings about everything so far down that his feelings can no longer be felt by anyone, even himself.

Fortunately the vast majority of us, live in the broad bland space in between the two extremes above.  Yet, in my practice as a life coach I find that men in the broad expanse are more prone to lie to themselves and others in 3 main areas of life.

The need to connect deeply with other men

As men we set ourselves apart from the connection of other males in society.  At best we have our cliché, our small group that supports us in our isolation. We operate as rogue states, protecting our boundaries from other rouge states. Unless we work in a job that routinely puts people from varied backgrounds together for a purpose, like a sports team, or the military, men rarely get the opportunity to feel exactly what they feel about another male (be it dislike, envy, jealousy, irritation, or disapproval) and have the need to stay in connection.

Women, on the other hand, do this all the time. They feel an emotion about another woman, whether positive or negative and they manage to remain connected. Men see connection as approval.  And approval of our negative emotions or even worse approval of a man we feel a jealousy towards is forbidden in the disconnected code of male behavior.  The real truth is that when we connect to another person we like or dislike, what is really being approved of are our own emotions.

That we desire intimacy even more than women.

Ask any sex worker, we want to connect deeply to another human, sex is about more than just sex. Most sex workers spend very little time engaged in actual sex. Men tend to pay for sex as a way to connect with a women. Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist and noted author, has found in her research that men fall in love faster than women almost twice as fast. She also notes that men go into new relationships faster than women and men live longer lives within in a committed relationship.

We also have deep concerns about our adequacy in the area of sex. We over compensate and hide our discomfort of relating with a woman’s desire for connected sex.  It makes sense, our anatomy makes it obvious when we are not feeling sexual. We can’t hide at the moment of passion when our cocks are flaccid, so we hide in the many moments outside of the bedroom when we check out mentally, our we pour ourselves into our work.  A more radical check out is to play so hard in life that we make ourselves unavailable for meaningful connection.

“I feel bored once the chase is over” is something that men relate to me in my coaching practice. Often boredom after the “chase” is over is a man’s unwillingness to play a deeper game in relationship to a woman.   So inherent in the “i feel bored…” comment is a lie about our level of connection. The un-spoken communication is that “I want to check out on the opportunity to go deeper by creating the next opportunity to chase next woman, play the next game, pick up the next woman.

Whatever the method, we short change ourselves and others by not facing our emotions around our desires for intimacy. We stay on a superficial level refusing to get in touch with ourselves so that we can communicate what we need in each moment.  Let me just state for the record, the heart of a woman, when open to a man, is as vast as the diversity in the ocean. And like marine life, fascinating, awe-inspiring and frightening. So dive in.

We lie to ourselves as we hide behind appropriateness. 

At a deep level we convince ourselves we are something we are not. The beings that know what justice is, know what it is to have empathy and understand that love is more than peaceful politically correct feelings, often takes a back seat to a person, who is trying to play small, keep his head down and go unnoticed and just get through the day.

In relationships appropriateness denies our loved ones with our clarity, our tough love, our decisiveness and our passion. We let loved ones live in disconnection with us, tuning them out so that we don’t feel the emotions that our the source of our disconnection.

Truth is integrity and integrity is a two-step process. Step one is knowing what do and step two is doing it.  If you know what to do to maintain integrity and refuse to do it, you are no longer in integrity. If you live life pretending that you don’t know what the next right step is, you are also out of integrity.

So I am asking all men to live in the truth and let’s stop living our little lies.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

The first romantic getaway with your new date will be perfect if you remember these 7 tips for making any getaway a pleasurable one.

Taking that first overnight trip with your new date can be disastrous if you don’t  use these seven tips to make the trip remarkable. To a woman the first getaway is an opportunity to see if the relationship has any real staying power.   If you fail to employ these 7 tips in this phase of your relationship, it be could be fatal to the relationship.

Here are seven things you want to remember about the first out-of-town getaway.

1. How you treat others says everything about how you will treat her.

This may sound ominous and over exaggerated but it’s not. When you head out-of-town with that perfect woman, she is watching everything you do and say to the people you come in contact with and comparing it with everything you did and said in the past, and with her ideals about relationship.

How did you treat the concierge at the front desk? or that snarky waitress at dinner?  She is watching to see how you will respond to the customer service rep at the airport. She wants to see if it is safe for her to show more vulnerable aspects of her personality  to you.

Despite how well you think you know her, there are things, at this stage of the relationship, that haven’t even been spoken between you two. At this stage she wants to feel safety in your presence. She is looking for the degree of openness you have so that she can share herself with you more.

The Take Away:

Be yourself and keep part of your focus on her even when you are interacting with another. So if the bartender skips over you for the tenth time, remember in that moment she cares more about connecting with you while at the bar than being ignored by the bartender. Just keep engaging with her until the bartender comes around.

2. Let her feel your excitement… for anything.

Whether you are type A or less than type A, find something on the overnight trip to get you really excited that is not work related or (pay attention to me here) sex related.  Remember she is watching everything and  is judging your reactions for their potential to make her feel safe enough to be more vulnerable and real with you.

She wants to feel your genuine feelings of joy and your real enthusiasm for anything other than work or sex.  She needs to know your capacity to be happy, and she is measuring your capacity against her own for long-term compatibility.

The Take away:

Here is a tip if you are under 40.  Do you recall the joy and enthusiasm you had about your first Nintendo Gameboy? Well go Nintendo wild about any topic, let that good feeling take over you, and share it with her. She will give you all of that joy back 10 fold.

3. Say “No Thank You”.

We have a tendency to want to give people everything early in the relationship, even at the expense of our own needs and wants. On this getaway let her feel your “no”. When you are not a full enthusiastic yes, clear your throat and say “no thank you”.  It is a kind thing to do. Remember to give her an idea of something you would rather do instead.

Gentlemen this is harder than it seems, but showing her you have a spine and that you are a man who knows what he doesn’t want, will go a long way for building the trust and safety she is craving.

The Take Away:

When you feel a little resistant to anything on the trip, let her know the minute you feel it, but leave room to negotiate an outcome that meets your needs and hers.  A phrase as simple as “ I am not feeling ( fill in the blank) at the moment,  I would prefer to do ( fill in the blank), how would you feel about doing that” will go a long way.  SImple? Yes!  Easy, No!

4. Do all the planning for one of your excursions.

So whether you are going to a dance club,  a sight-seeing excursion or staying in the hotel for a movie and room service that night, take some time and thought to completely handle some aspect of your entertainment while on your getaway.

Remember, her primary motivation is for the success of the trip. When you handle the planning for some aspect of the trip she can relax knowing that you are doing something entirely for your own pleasure.  The knowledge that you are acting make something fun happen for the two of you is a real turn on for her.  This tip will win you many brownie points.

The Take Away:

To find the best local hangouts speak with the hotel concierge or review yelp. If you arrive at your getaway destination via plane, get an area guide at the airport.  Google is a great way prep for any excursion. The key is planning, so make a good plan for dinner and have a back up just in case the menu doesn’t agree. Your thoughtfulness and preparedness will go along way towards allowing her to relax and enjoy you.

5. Recharge when you need time to yourself.

While you are practicing an authentic “no”, also practice saying “yes” to taking time for yourself on your getaway.  Everyone needs, time alone to recalibrate and she may too. Give her permission to attend to her own needs, by getting permission to attend to your own needs. Taking time and space to read, hot tub, sit alone, phone a friend or veg in front of a television are necessary to the proper care and functioning of a man.  So don’t neglect the time you need

The Take Away:

Take a few minutes everyday to let your mind dwell on nothing at all, but only after you incorporate tip #4.

6. Share something vulnerable.

This is the perfect opportunity to get in touch with yourself and share your insights with her.  By now you are well on your way to having more intimacy and a closer relationship than ever before. Take a moment and share some aspect of your life.  Sharing your fears, dreams, longings, the  little hurts that we all feel from time to time over her a glimpse of you. There is also a chance for connection when you come with complete transparency.

The take away:

Do an internal gut check here, if what you have to say doesn’t make you swallow hard just thinking about saying it, then you need to go deeper. When you feel that pit in your stomach, you know you are in the right spot.

7. Keep your sense humor

Humor is a great tension reliever. In fact studies show that a man who can make a woman laugh makes her feel cared for supported. Laughter produces a feeling of security in women. Laughter releases endorphins and endorphins produce the chemical cocktails that leads to sexual arousal. Funny guys have all the fun.

The take away:

There is a difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone else’s expense. This is a very important distinction.  Laughing as the pepper dispenser opens into the plate of food she has just ordered in the restaurant… not cool. Laughing at the white sunscreen that spatters her face like an indian warrior – funny.  The former may cause tension, the later will cause connection.

Following these seven tips will make your next getaway more pleasurable and more satisfying for you both.

Bon Voyage!

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

What is desire? Philosophers have been debating the question since antiquity.  It is defined as “ to strongly wish for or want something” . The word has synonyms like: crave, yearn, covet, long, lust, will or wish.  And yet none of the synonyms alone adequately describe the feeling a woman has when you express the true nature of  your desire for her in a way that makes her feminine heart flutter.

For a woman, that feeling of being desired is more encompassing than lust, more gracious than coveting, more nourishing than yearning, more solid that wishing and less expectant that willing.  The words used to define desire seem to have the object of our desire in a less than connected relationship to the one desiring. Obviously this is not your goal or hers.

In romance desire can be seen as the will to devour and consume one’s beloved with the grace to suffer the yearning of wanting indefinitely.  It means feeling the hunger to devour and consume and living in that feeling in a gracious spacious manner. To a woman this is a total turn on. To a man this is as hard as doing… handstand scorpion yoga pose. Not sure what I am talking about… check it out then.

Nicole Daedone, founder and leader of Onetaste, which practices and teaches Orgasmic Meditation, says that the feeling of both having and wanting ( true desire) comes from being full on orgasm and living life in flow.  Orgasm being your life force sexual energy and flow being well flow.  The formula looks something like this :

Desire + Flow(grace) = a full orgasm.

Being full on orgasm keeps ones desire from feeling like hunger. See my blog post on Hunger vs Desire Part 1.

To simplify, hunger and desire differ in expectation. Desire is all the hunger without the nasty agitated, goal oriented maneuvering that she feels as “yucky” in her body. Desire allows sexual tension to build organically, and it radiates a sense of contentment enjoying every excruciating movement of longing for her. Longing that is free of resentment. Get it? Got it… Good!

Desire plays with and feeds off of anticipation. Spoken desire mixed with anticipation is a pleasantly lethal combination that women find hard to resist. This is called building desire and it is key to a woman’s happiness and her feelings of being sexy and desired by you.

The longer and more familiar your relationship with a woman is, the more you will need to work on building desire through anticipation.

Here are a few tips to build desire:

  • Tell her something you are grateful for about her.
  • Thank her for being in your life.
  • Show her an appreciation.
  • Offer to do something nice, to contribute without her asking.
  • Buy a small gift for no reason at all.

And most importantly…

Tell her when you desire her sexually the moment you feel it… and do nothing else but allow her to bask your feelings for her.  Wait in your desire and she will find you irresistible.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

“I don’t want to feel your expectation, your “sex” doesn’t feel good in my body”, that was the report of a conversation between my friend and his partner. 

“what does that mean?” he inquired of me. He was totally lost as to how to respond to her. 

“Do you want sex with your partner?” I asked.

“Yes!, I need it so bad. She just doesn’t want sex as much as I do…..right?.

“Wrong” I say, “she just doesn’t like the way your “hunger” feels in her body but she desires sex, especially from you.” 

“Hunger? My hunger is my passion!” he exclaimed. “she is always talking about wanting more passion in our relationship…” 

“I get that”, I say “ what she wants is to feel your desire and not your hunger.” 

This real life example conversation would be played out in 95 out of 100 conversations  with most males.  So what is the difference between hunger and desire and why is one so lethal and one so potent?

To a man, the drive for sex is a simple straight forward thing. It works like this:  grunt first, then have the thought “I want sex”, then act to seek out a sex partner, next have sex, finally, roll over and go sleep satisfied. Goal achieved!

When the object of a man’s sex drive is a woman, that straight forward, goal oriented motivation of a man, feels full of expectation to her.  Expectation + male sex drive hunger. Hunger feels awful to a woman, unless she is also hungry and then it is just tolerated.

Why does hunger feel awful to a woman?

Male hunger is expressed in agitation, expectation, it is guilt laden, heavy handed and disconnected from the present moment.  Of course the above description would not feel good in a woman’s body.  But wait there is more….  Here is another more important reason why you should learn to drop hunger and operate from desire.

To a woman hot sex is always spontaneous.  Women want “spontaneity” when it comes to sex.  What does it mean to be spontaneous in sex?  Despite what the latest Cosmopolitan says,  it simply means, all the fun, passion, and connection associated with “getting her in the mood” without feeling like she is on a one way street to the bedroom, with no way to change course.

Translation please:  she feels like she is expected to satisfy your hunger no matter whether she feels desirous of sex in the moment.

To a woman, that feels “yucky”. As one woman put it  “it (male hunger) makes me feel like I am less than a person”.

So what is desire?…..we will cover that in part 2.

By George Streeter Relationship Coach

Scarcity is the most lethal killer of romantic interest in a woman, second only to being a jerk.   It is the silver bullet shot into the heart of the beast known as romantic passion.  Nothing irritates women more than the relentless, selfish motivational energy that is scarcity.

What is it exactly? and how do I know if I am operating in it?

Well for starters scarcity is completely different from hunger or desire, which offer their own unique benefits and problems. Scarcity is the itch on a phantom limb that can never be scratched. It is the idea that there is an inadequate amount to go around for everyone.  Satiation for a person who lives with thoughts of scarcity is an impossibility.

How do you know if you have a scarcity mentality about relationships? Here are three simple ways. There are others of course but a yes to any of theses questions means you have a few issues to work out before you can completely enjoy what you have.

1. You feel jealously and envy of what other men have that you (perceive you) don’t.

If you have a scarcity mindset you see resources as limited, so love and pleasure are resources and de facto limited. This is obviously absurd, because love, pleasure and connection are never limited, but are in fact unlimited. The loss of equilibrium at the thought of someone having something that is unavailable to you…. scarcity mentality.

2. You see other men as threats and rivals.

When you walk into a room with a woman on your arm, do you tense up at the site of a group of men in the room? Do you feel aggressive and over protective? Men are a great source of camaraderie and a group of guys can provide the energy and support needed to help a man get out of his comfort zone and live a little.  If there is an abundance of resources available to you, there is no need to create a rivalry.  If scarcity is your mental state, then even your friends appear to be potential rivals.

3. You feel that you will be forgotten if you don’t take act in your own best interest.

When you feel compelled to initiate every action in the relationship ( to get what you need)  while feeling frustration that you must initiate every action in your relationship (to get what you need), you are in scarcity.  This attitude diminishes the opportunity for your partner to meet you at your desires. Basically you are not giving others a chance to show you how wonderful you are to them.

If your relationship is on a respirator it may be because of a scarcity mindset. Operating as a person who believes in abundance is the only way to break the cycle scarcity,  the most potent killer of romantic passion.