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monogamy love

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

This is part of a letter to a person I consider a close friend. Her struggle with the idea of giving up her freedom (to act on her own desires unchecked) to follow a stronger desire for “deeper love and intimacy” in relationship, she has been the catalyst for me to write this article.

I am a relationship coach, so I see the benefit in any number of relationship styles, from conscious single-hood to poly marital arrangements, I can see the pros and cons for every relationship option. Just remember, no matter what your preferences are every relationship style has its own set of limitations.

Every relationship structure has its pros and cons.  No matter what relationship structure you choose there is always a certain amount of hand wringing and gut wrenching that is necessary for love and acceptance to exist between two people.  We are not born with the ability to see and accept all of our partners flaws and short comings.  We learn to do this through the struggle of the relationship.  It seems that no matter how loving, romantic, and drama- less the union is, at some point, for the relationship to become a “romance of a life time” it has to take each participant through the crucible. The crucible is the “fire” needed to heat ones system up so hot that your individual quirks and selfishness can surface and be melted away. The crucible makes you lovable under the pressure of relating.

Often a fascination with finding just the right person, who has just the right background and education, with just the right interests and hobbies becomes an effort to dampen the fire of the crucible so that you won’t have the differences that causes personalities to grow.  Our Mr. and Ms Right syndrome (our rigid preferences) are just a way to cool the fire of the crucible so that no growth or change is possible within the relationship. This we euphemistically term as a relationship with no passion.

So with growth as the guide, I want to take a moment to share some positive thoughts on the topic of monogamy.

To make monogamy work, seek to understand the limitations of monogamy and get in loving agreement with your own motivations for desiring those particular limitations in your life.  In other words, every relationship model has a few fatal flaws and the idea is to pick the poison that offers you the greatest opportunity for sustainable survival.

What is the poison of Monogamy? In every relationship structure you are making a deal with the devil when you enter it, so make sure you are not promising your first-born.  To enter into monogamy successfully know what you are giving up and know for how long you are giving it up for. This will keep you from waking up one day and going to the grocery store and never coming back home again.

The most apparent thing one trades when choosing monogamy is sex with others, however, there are other things people barter with when choosing monogamy.  Here is a short list:  financial autonomy, scheduling freedom (coming and going without checking in), dating freedom (platonic or otherwise), flirting ( following attractions impulses), thought autonomy (who you think about), spacial freedom (what you do with your time and where you spend it).

Understand that sometimes the demands of monogamy changes where you live, how you live, where you work and with whom you socialize. You consciously or unconsciously, trade these little freedoms as you build a partnership of committed love.

Now that you are clear on the type of poison a monogamy relationship can be for you, here are some of the benefits that are most often associated with pair bonding in monogamy.

Monogamy allows for deep, deep connection with a single person. 

Unlike open relationships there are just a few main characters in your relationship. Typically there is your partner, you, your work, his/her work and the kids to think, talk and worry about. Sure there are social concerns, and extended family but these concerns often revolve around work and family.  Monogamy as a structure is optimal for getting to know one another on a deep level. The distraction of other relationships are not present and so there is a natural tendency to focus on one another.

This implies of course that you both are still working on your own personal growth. Monogamy, more than any other relationship structure demands continued self exploration from each partner. Without it monogamy can get boring real fast. And no matter how many social events, dinner’s out or family vacations you have, you still end up looking each other in the face without knowing what to say to one another.

Monogamy allows you to be completely uninhibited sexually. 

Connected uninhibited sex is available in monogamy provided you are able to connect on a deep level ( i.e. continue your own personal growth journey so you have something deep to share).

Despite commonly held beliefs,  being in a more open relationship model, means that you must take more thought and care for all of the physical and emotional needs of your partners. This type of care by its nature is more responsible and less uninhibited.  Important note:  cheating or being deceptive with your liaisons is also by nature less uninhibited.

The uninhibited nature of sex is the main reason why women shelve their desires for variety to have a single partner who can be adequate in bed. The idea is that one man will learn all of her spots and she can safely surrender to him. Interestingly, most of the reasons given for monogamy are for the feeling of safety and security and not the potential for erotic growth that is present with a single partner.

Most are unaware of sexual growth as a motivation and instead focus on ethical, moral or health concerns as the deeper motivation. Deep down she knows that her own sex is like a minefield and is unknown territory even to herself. So the navigation of her own sex feels safer with a single known person… her man.

Monogamy offers the best possible opportunity to curb the distracting force of desire.

Desires can distract us from friends, family and financial concerns.  Passionate relationships feel good, they often feel better than working or focussing on the concerns we have around our day-to-day life.  Which would you rather do? have a hot make out at lunch or read the company email? Our desires can distract us, whether it is within our imagination or in our reality, desires pull us out of our habitual patterns of being and offer us an opportunity to lose ourselves. However, it is this lost feeling that makes us feel so threatened by our own desires and the desires of others.

Monogamy is a natural buffer between our spiritual selves and our desires. The relationship/or partner curbs our urges and impulses. This does not mean that we act like wild dogs when we are in open relationships, but the natural delay of desire in an open relationship is replaced with the natural death of desire that is required in successful monogamy. Don’t believe that?  Then ask yourself is it ok for your partner to fantasize about your best friend on their lunch break? That type of infidelity is typically a no- no in a closed relationship.

Being disciplined in our imagination and thoughts has a benefit.  A person who has restricted his imagination is less free in his thoughts but finds himself more free in his actions. Killing desire frees the mind to think about the concerns of a relationship or of the state of the body and finances.

To a distracted personality, the discipline of monogamy can be like a god-send, and act as a sure-fire way to cultivate new hobbies, interests and skills.

The point here is to enter into and out of relationships with an understanding of who you are and what you want. And to accept and make room for the obvious pit falls of any relationship structure you choose. Just make sure you have an open, honest dialogue to agree on what that your relationship looks like.

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

Overt and frequent communication around sex is the only way to ensure you are getting the truth about how good you are in bed.  When I ask men the question, “How do you know if you are pleasing to a woman in bed?” I often get the same nervous defensive answer from them, “Well she hasn’t told me I am doing anything wrong.” I reply, “Has she told you that you were doing anything well?” a question to which I usually receive silence.

erotic potential photo

As I teach men and women how to reach their erotic potential in my seminars (click here for more information), a class will often come to a screeching halt as I reveal the truth around sex and communication in a typical relationship.

The truth is this: Women don’t tell us the truth about what they want more of, what they don’t want any more of, or what they feel needs to be improved in sex, because they fear bruising your ego.

As I lead the discussion, woman after woman confesses that she doesn’t make requests in bed or ask for something different from her lover because she is:

Concerned you will get angry

Concerned she will hurt you

Concerned your ego will be bruised

Concerned your cock will not get hard

Women would rather endure your unskillful touch than tell you the truth. This is because you haven’t given her overt permission to tell you the truth in bed. If you want to create an atmosphere where your sex life can be truly hot, raunchy, and uninhibited, then create intimacy with honest dialogue around the topic of sex.

Here is how to make your sex life uninhibited and super hot:

1. Give her permission to tell you what she likes in sex.

Women are afraid to hurt your ego, so they will often change the subject or avoid answering directly when you ask the question, “How is our sex life?” so don’t ask. Before your next hot make-out, give her permission to speak frankly, openly, and honestly about every aspect of your sex life.

2. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.

Talking about sex is something women love to do! Give them an opportunity to say their thoughts around the subject. Women are conditioned to believe that sex talk with a man must necessarily lead to sex. Talking about sex in a situation where an innocent conversation remains a conversation.

3. Don’t get angry or hurt.

If you do, it will reinforce her fear that telling you the truth about your sexual ability will alter the relationship for the worse and she will never tell you the complete truth. She will need to be coaxed into delivering the awful, awful thoughts that will bring her into greater ecstasy. And believe me, the idea of bruising your sexy animal is a far greater fear than unsatisfying sex. 

4 Be playful around sex.

The more light-hearted you are around the issue of sex, the more sexual confidence you exude and the more space you create for her to be honest with you on the topic. Remember, you are creating an atmosphere of honesty so that you can have a hotter more connected sex life. What is so serious about that? Stay playful.

5 Tell her your hurts, before they become resentments.

Let her know what you like and don’t like as well. This will relax her in bed. She can feel your emotions even if you don’t tell her what you are thinking. Speak what you are feeling, because if you don’t she will think your withhold is about her and feel self-conscious with you. Being self-conscious is the opposite of being uninhibited.

Be the 1 of 100 men to do these tips and see how quickly your sex life moves from mediocre to marvelous.