Archives For creating a relaitonship

monogamy love

By George Streeter, Relationship Coach

http://www.georgestreeter.com

This is part of a letter to a person I consider a close friend. Her struggle with the idea of giving up her freedom (to act on her own desires unchecked) to follow a stronger desire for “deeper love and intimacy” in relationship, she has been the catalyst for me to write this article.

I am a relationship coach, so I see the benefit in any number of relationship styles, from conscious single-hood to poly marital arrangements, I can see the pros and cons for every relationship option. Just remember, no matter what your preferences are every relationship style has its own set of limitations.

Every relationship structure has its pros and cons.  No matter what relationship structure you choose there is always a certain amount of hand wringing and gut wrenching that is necessary for love and acceptance to exist between two people.  We are not born with the ability to see and accept all of our partners flaws and short comings.  We learn to do this through the struggle of the relationship.  It seems that no matter how loving, romantic, and drama- less the union is, at some point, for the relationship to become a “romance of a life time” it has to take each participant through the crucible. The crucible is the “fire” needed to heat ones system up so hot that your individual quirks and selfishness can surface and be melted away. The crucible makes you lovable under the pressure of relating.

Often a fascination with finding just the right person, who has just the right background and education, with just the right interests and hobbies becomes an effort to dampen the fire of the crucible so that you won’t have the differences that causes personalities to grow.  Our Mr. and Ms Right syndrome (our rigid preferences) are just a way to cool the fire of the crucible so that no growth or change is possible within the relationship. This we euphemistically term as a relationship with no passion.

So with growth as the guide, I want to take a moment to share some positive thoughts on the topic of monogamy.

To make monogamy work, seek to understand the limitations of monogamy and get in loving agreement with your own motivations for desiring those particular limitations in your life.  In other words, every relationship model has a few fatal flaws and the idea is to pick the poison that offers you the greatest opportunity for sustainable survival.

What is the poison of Monogamy? In every relationship structure you are making a deal with the devil when you enter it, so make sure you are not promising your first-born.  To enter into monogamy successfully know what you are giving up and know for how long you are giving it up for. This will keep you from waking up one day and going to the grocery store and never coming back home again.

The most apparent thing one trades when choosing monogamy is sex with others, however, there are other things people barter with when choosing monogamy.  Here is a short list:  financial autonomy, scheduling freedom (coming and going without checking in), dating freedom (platonic or otherwise), flirting ( following attractions impulses), thought autonomy (who you think about), spacial freedom (what you do with your time and where you spend it).

Understand that sometimes the demands of monogamy changes where you live, how you live, where you work and with whom you socialize. You consciously or unconsciously, trade these little freedoms as you build a partnership of committed love.

Now that you are clear on the type of poison a monogamy relationship can be for you, here are some of the benefits that are most often associated with pair bonding in monogamy.

Monogamy allows for deep, deep connection with a single person. 

Unlike open relationships there are just a few main characters in your relationship. Typically there is your partner, you, your work, his/her work and the kids to think, talk and worry about. Sure there are social concerns, and extended family but these concerns often revolve around work and family.  Monogamy as a structure is optimal for getting to know one another on a deep level. The distraction of other relationships are not present and so there is a natural tendency to focus on one another.

This implies of course that you both are still working on your own personal growth. Monogamy, more than any other relationship structure demands continued self exploration from each partner. Without it monogamy can get boring real fast. And no matter how many social events, dinner’s out or family vacations you have, you still end up looking each other in the face without knowing what to say to one another.

Monogamy allows you to be completely uninhibited sexually. 

Connected uninhibited sex is available in monogamy provided you are able to connect on a deep level ( i.e. continue your own personal growth journey so you have something deep to share).

Despite commonly held beliefs,  being in a more open relationship model, means that you must take more thought and care for all of the physical and emotional needs of your partners. This type of care by its nature is more responsible and less uninhibited.  Important note:  cheating or being deceptive with your liaisons is also by nature less uninhibited.

The uninhibited nature of sex is the main reason why women shelve their desires for variety to have a single partner who can be adequate in bed. The idea is that one man will learn all of her spots and she can safely surrender to him. Interestingly, most of the reasons given for monogamy are for the feeling of safety and security and not the potential for erotic growth that is present with a single partner.

Most are unaware of sexual growth as a motivation and instead focus on ethical, moral or health concerns as the deeper motivation. Deep down she knows that her own sex is like a minefield and is unknown territory even to herself. So the navigation of her own sex feels safer with a single known person… her man.

Monogamy offers the best possible opportunity to curb the distracting force of desire.

Desires can distract us from friends, family and financial concerns.  Passionate relationships feel good, they often feel better than working or focussing on the concerns we have around our day-to-day life.  Which would you rather do? have a hot make out at lunch or read the company email? Our desires can distract us, whether it is within our imagination or in our reality, desires pull us out of our habitual patterns of being and offer us an opportunity to lose ourselves. However, it is this lost feeling that makes us feel so threatened by our own desires and the desires of others.

Monogamy is a natural buffer between our spiritual selves and our desires. The relationship/or partner curbs our urges and impulses. This does not mean that we act like wild dogs when we are in open relationships, but the natural delay of desire in an open relationship is replaced with the natural death of desire that is required in successful monogamy. Don’t believe that?  Then ask yourself is it ok for your partner to fantasize about your best friend on their lunch break? That type of infidelity is typically a no- no in a closed relationship.

Being disciplined in our imagination and thoughts has a benefit.  A person who has restricted his imagination is less free in his thoughts but finds himself more free in his actions. Killing desire frees the mind to think about the concerns of a relationship or of the state of the body and finances.

To a distracted personality, the discipline of monogamy can be like a god-send, and act as a sure-fire way to cultivate new hobbies, interests and skills.

The point here is to enter into and out of relationships with an understanding of who you are and what you want. And to accept and make room for the obvious pit falls of any relationship structure you choose. Just make sure you have an open, honest dialogue to agree on what that your relationship looks like.

By George Streeter – Relationship Coach

We are inundated with sexual misinformation on what “good” sex is from the porn industry and magazines. Both give us a false picture of what “good” looks like in sex. The focus is on the intensity, duration, positions and techniques. But hardly any material out there focusses on the heart of the matter… showing up in a way that is authentic to how you are feeling in the moment.

Men put pressure on themselves to be show up in the bed room like the Marvel comic book super hero Batman.  That is, both men and women expect, a man to be a lover who will have the exact right gadget to get them both out of any unwanted sexual situation.  Low libido? pop a pill. Low sensation? try the latest porn position. Sexually bored?  How about a new fetish.

The expectation is that he will know what to say and do to handle any unwanted situation.  Men feel like they need Batman’s utility belt (of tricks and techniques) to please her, or the sex has the potential for being a joke.

But men don’t have utility belts and sometimes we feel less than “super” in the moment of intimacy. What do we do then?  Here are three simple things we can do to go from mediocre to super in her eyes.

 Own our own feelings.

73% of men and 75% of women suffer from speech anxiety. That is the fear of public speaking. One of the techniques used by great speakers to overcome this fear is to admit “I am nervous” just before speaking.  Just saying the words reduces anxiety in both mind and body and releases the right chemical cocktail to help the speaker perform better.  This will work in the bedroom as well. Verbalization in the moment is one sure fire way of “owning” one’s own feelings.

Refrain from blaming your partner. 

When I feel pressure, the first thing I want to do is remove the “thing” that I feel is pressuring me. Often in relationship when one refuses to own their own feelings, we will blame another person for causing our feelings. Blame makes another person responsible for our own internal state. It is a bad idea when you have your clothing on, and blame is an even worse idea if you intend to connect in the bedroom.

Stop!, take a moment and feel into the pressure you are feeling to perform. Verbalize to reduce that feeling of pressure and don’t say a word about how your partner is showing up in that moment.  Keep the focus of your mind and energies on the navigation of your own internal space. And once you are there, don’t blame yourself either!

Finally, change your expectations of the situation.

Performance anxiety is all about living up to the mental images we create in our own minds. Often our partner has no clue about film footage that is running in our minds, that is causing us to be less than present in intimacy with our partners.

Turning off the imagery in our minds and focussing on the visual information from our pupils, is the single best way to respond to your partner in the present moment. Try this the next time the “film footage” is taking you out of your game.

Bring your attention to her body. Noticing every inch and curve of her landscape is the best way to create a hot steamy present moment picture in your mind.  Take as long as you need to admire her, give your eyes a smorgasbord of her body.  And women stop being self conscious and give him the opportunity to appreciate what he already likes about you.

So whether you play Batman or Superman in the bed room, owning your own feelings, refraining from blame and stopping the sexual “film footage” in your mind are three quick ways you can please her every time.

Contact 415 766 0397

By George Streeter

Creating the type of relationship that you want is similar to going on a trip to a destination you have never been before. A “destination” being the type of relationship you want and a “map” being the conscious thought you apply to have it. People often start creating a relationship with no idea of where they want to go, or some vague general idea of what the relationship destination will look it. To get from point A to point B the best way is to use a map.

A  good map helps you reach a desired destination, using the most desired path, at the most desired level of efficiency. In other words you go where you want to go, along the path you choose, at your own pace and level of difficulty.

No matter how good a map is,  you can’t expect your map to have all of the obstacles conveniently located on it, with sure fire short cuts to guide you past every obstacle. Real maps don’t work that way and neither do relationship maps.  Having a map is definitely the best way to begin a journey, but the map alone won’t ensure a successful journey.  Every journey has it’s own obstacles and barriers that can act as roadblocks on your journey. So having the skills and tools to navigate roadblocks and obstacles are also critical.

A roadblock in life or relationship can be overcome with insight.  What is insight?  It is a fresh thought that you have never had before or a deep intuitive understanding that leads to fresh perspectives and solutions.  Dr. Gary Klein in his book Seeing What Others Don’t: The remarkable was we gain insight, notes that there are four reasons why people miss insights that could help them:

  1. “Tenaciously” holding on to flawed beliefs. Sometimes we take historical data and use it successfully to trend in the present moment, but often historical thinking about a person or situation only leads to the same old solutions or worse it limits fresh ideas. It is like we get stuck in the same old neighborhood. Dr Klein noted that staying clear of erroneous beliefs is a quick way to gain insight.
  2. Being too comfortable in a narrow set of experiences.  Lets face it change is hard and sometimes we like to live in our comfort zone. Being able to have experiences outside of our comfort zone gives a person a greater breadth of knowledge from which to tackle potential roadblocks.You gain more tools with more experiences. Making you ready to tackle persistent problems in fresh ways.
  3. Being passive instead of actively seeking new questions and answers in life.  Asking ourselves the hard questions and actively seeking answers to those questions helps us gain insight. Every time I take a chance, whether I fail or succeed, I learn something, and that allows me to gain “new questions and answers in life”.
  4. “A fixation with concrete reasoning” that restricts playful hypothetical reasoning.  We bolster our confidence with a long list of reasons why. But seldom do we formulate a long list of reasons for  “why not”. We can think of a lot of reasons why it might be a bad idea to bungie jump off of bridge, but can you think of just as many for why it would be a good idea? Being able to adapt our line of reasoning adds to our capacity to gain understanding and insight.

With map in hand, a destination in our hearts and a few mental tools we can navigate the creation of a relationship that we want.

I help people navigate the creation of the type of relationships they want.  Contact me at http://www.iwantthescore.com/