By George Streeter Relationship Coach
“I don’t want to feel your expectation, your “sex” doesn’t feel good in my body”, that was the report of a conversation between my friend and his partner.
“what does that mean?” he inquired of me. He was totally lost as to how to respond to her.
“Do you want sex with your partner?” I asked.
“Yes!, I need it so bad. She just doesn’t want sex as much as I do…..right?.
“Wrong” I say, “she just doesn’t like the way your “hunger” feels in her body but she desires sex, especially from you.”
“Hunger? My hunger is my passion!” he exclaimed. “she is always talking about wanting more passion in our relationship…”
“I get that”, I say “ what she wants is to feel your desire and not your hunger.”
This real life example conversation would be played out in 95 out of 100 conversations with most males. So what is the difference between hunger and desire and why is one so lethal and one so potent?
To a man, the drive for sex is a simple straight forward thing. It works like this: grunt first, then have the thought “I want sex”, then act to seek out a sex partner, next have sex, finally, roll over and go sleep satisfied. Goal achieved!
When the object of a man’s sex drive is a woman, that straight forward, goal oriented motivation of a man, feels full of expectation to her. Expectation + male sex drive hunger. Hunger feels awful to a woman, unless she is also hungry and then it is just tolerated.
Why does hunger feel awful to a woman?
Male hunger is expressed in agitation, expectation, it is guilt laden, heavy handed and disconnected from the present moment. Of course the above description would not feel good in a woman’s body. But wait there is more…. Here is another more important reason why you should learn to drop hunger and operate from desire.
To a woman hot sex is always spontaneous. Women want “spontaneity” when it comes to sex. What does it mean to be spontaneous in sex? Despite what the latest Cosmopolitan says, it simply means, all the fun, passion, and connection associated with “getting her in the mood” without feeling like she is on a one way street to the bedroom, with no way to change course.
Translation please: she feels like she is expected to satisfy your hunger no matter whether she feels desirous of sex in the moment.
To a woman, that feels “yucky”. As one woman put it “it (male hunger) makes me feel like I am less than a person”.
So what is desire?…..we will cover that in part 2.
- What Women Want Matters, a Lot: Welcome to the Sexual Revolution 2.0 (ecosalon.com)
- Not Tonight, Dear. What Happens When He Isn’t in the Mood for Sex. (elephantjournal.com)